Introductions: Are you caring for someone with dementia?

HELP !! I have a brother diagnosed with schizophrenia , in denial for 40 years now. He went through college, grad school, and law school; practiced law for 30 years. Lived in a pig-sty, lived off credit cards, didn't pay taxes. etc etc We have picked up the pieces endlessly, paid back taxes and credit cards. Now "retired," he is only getting worse. We support him, and in return he is abusive (verbally). Made himself diabetic through terrible eating habits. Now he is becoming physically impaired as well as mentally. We are now older and just can't take it anymore. Another close relative tells us that taking care of him beyond financially (no matter how bad it gets), is a "test from God." It seems to me that a man who has 3 advanced academic degrees and (however badly) practiced law for 30 years, has some responsibility for himself. Any opinions or suggestions will be welcome.

@hoprful33250- Thank you, it's good to have some support for my thoughts. Everything is overshadowed by the mingling of theology into a practical matter. I am indeed a Christian, but I just think that enabling is not the best way to go.

When you love a person, the term "enabling" is a difficult concept to understand. You want to help those you love. Supporting their bad habits that injure their health is not really being helpful because you are making excuses for not doing better in the end. I finally stopped enabling my husband and it didn't cause an improvement in his attitude, except he quit drinking for three months at my insistence, but then went back to it thinking that was long enough time to satisfy me. Moving to another bedroom was a good solution for me but then he would come in, wake me, and cause a tantrum about imagined problems. That's when I knew that dementia was happening. He actually liked having the bedroom to himself so he wouldn't have to address his snoring and breathing issues.
I thought he would die any day from his stopped breathing but he only fell out of bed one night and bruised his eye badly. I just learned to live through it all, and avoiding supporting his bad choices, until the end. There was nothing more I could do to help. He ended up in Hospice care for six weeks, never ate a bite, was paralyzed, and on a drug pump. I don't know what the answer is but I know you must understand what "enabling" entails. Dorisena

@hopeful33250 Teresa, the links you provided are interesting. My acupuncturist just recently told me that he had seen some research indicating that a ketogenic diet could help delay decline in cognitive function and even restore some cognitive ability in Alzheimer patients. I thought that was very encouraging.

Hi @jshdma - I agree with @IndianaScott and @hopeful33250 - I don't think God sends us those kind of tests. Your brother's situation sounds like one that you've dealt with for a very long time and it sounds as if it is deteriorating. I think Teresa's idea of contacting an attorney and a counselor is excellent. In addition to that, could you contact your local Council on Aging to see what other support services might be available - for him and for you?

@debbraw Good suggestions, which I would love to implement. Problem is--no family agreement. My sister will die for him, if that's what it comes to. If I drop out, that will happen. Indeed, there are support services, but my brother will not allow or accept anything. I used to go over and clean his apartment. Then he changed the locks and shut me out. So my sister is paying for maid service.

Fine, debbraw. Let your sister pay for maid service. I doubt that your sister will actually die for him, but she can make a fool out of herself before she reaches a reasonable limit. I really understand the situation, as my sister-in-law enabled her brother who lived in a car with a dog and had her get his prescriptions for him. She finally got him some kind of assisted living until he died, but she kept his dog at her house for him. She already had a dog, in the house, of course. When your brother changed the locks, you were under no moral obligation to continue to be involved much. I reported a couple of relatives to the county health department because I knew they had programs to get involved and improve the lot of the people with dementia. One nurse went to court and got my aunt put in a nursing home because she was in bad shape and recognized no one. The nephew got access to the CD's and their savings disappeared, as well as a basement full of valuable antiques. That upset my sister, but I just laughed and was grateful the county took care of the couple.
Most of the time there is not family agreement to helping with care, so we do what we think is the right thing, including for us. My daughter, who manages my money and pays my bills, refused to allow me to contribute to my sister's benefit because my sister would have used it for her grandson who kept her in poverty most of the time. We must make decisions and not feel guilty. Dorisena

Fine, debbraw. Let your sister pay for maid service. I doubt that your sister will actually die for him, but she can make a fool out of herself before she reaches a reasonable limit. I really understand the situation, as my sister-in-law enabled her brother who lived in a car with a dog and had her get his prescriptions for him. She finally got him some kind of assisted living until he died, but she kept his dog at her house for him. She already had a dog, in the house, of course. When your brother changed the locks, you were under no moral obligation to continue to be involved much. I reported a couple of relatives to the county health department because I knew they had programs to get involved and improve the lot of the people with dementia. One nurse went to court and got my aunt put in a nursing home because she was in bad shape and recognized no one. The nephew got access to the CD's and their savings disappeared, as well as a basement full of valuable antiques. That upset my sister, but I just laughed and was grateful the county took care of the couple.
Most of the time there is not family agreement to helping with care, so we do what we think is the right thing, including for us. My daughter, who manages my money and pays my bills, refused to allow me to contribute to my sister's benefit because my sister would have used it for her grandson who kept her in poverty most of the time. We must make decisions and not feel guilty. Dorisena