My husband only Whispers: What can be done?

I have an adult son with special interlectual needs who I have always and always will look after. These things that husband is doing is actually taking away time from my son and my son gets upset understandably if husband says cranky at him.

@terrinan - OMG! (And, to the "perpetrator": Grrrrrrrrr! 😫)...

I'm afraid you've said it - in a nutshell.

For me, it MAKES me lean in, in an effort to hear, and since I so highly value "connecting", I can't help but have that natural reaction. And then right after, when this is the situation where I'm feeling 'manipulated' by the other person who's only making the slightest effort, I get mad at myself. But what's the solution?

I've mentioned it, I've brought it up time & time again, and just recently, out came my words: "You're killing me". It kills my spirit to be doing what I feel is 'all the work' to be available, to hear/listen, make efforts, while the other party (my "partner" - apologies to the universe for my quotes!!) just sits there with no response or a blank look, or worse, indifference....that's how it makes me feel: like I'm alone, the only person making an effort, doing what I feel is/should be natural behavior between two people who are in a relationship and say they care about each other (i.e., "trying").

Hope I haven't gone too far off from center for this string. But maybe it resonates for others in similar situations.

Thank you for responding and sharing your experience. I really DON'T KNOW what the answer is. Have brought it up in Zoom therapy, but at some point I suppose we have to do couples therapy (he won't probably get into it, though I could be wrong). Just trying to sort out my own bucketload of stuff before trying to help him & us & take on even more than I feel I can handle right now.

Onward to the day! Best wishes...chime in any time, of course!

Would it help to repeat (often) to your son, some version of “Dad’s brain is sick, we love him and he loves you, but he’s not the same dad now, he can’t help it”.
I can just picture your son’s hurt and bewilderment when Dad is mean or lashes out.

My husband has been whispering to me for a while now. I thought it was because he can not hear. He has hearing aids but his hearing loss is so bad the hearing aids do not work very well. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s with characteristics of Lewy bodies. I ask him to speak louder because I can’t hear him then he forgets what he said. He also mumbles and half sentences. He also speaks clearly in his sleep. It is so frustrating I can only imagine how he feels. I have been reading mayo comments for about a month. I have found a lot of similarities reported that I was not aware that were characteristics of this disease.

yes, sounds familiar. My brother also whispered, and then stopped talking completely. The last 2 years he needed his food pureed and even then frequently aspirated. It's not an easy journey, buckle up, it's a bumpy ride, with my very best wishes

My husband does just the opposite of whispering. He doesn't get louder than normal, but he does make all kinds of noises or says things that don't make sense. And this is very annoying because I can't hear the tv without turning it up, etc. When I ask him to whisper he says "ok" but then he doesn't. Not that I wish any of these awful symptoms on any of our loved ones, but I wish he WOULD whisper at times.... especially when he talks to himself when trying to go to sleep.
Hugs and Strength to all

Good morning @immaggiemae! I am so glad that you brought up this topic. My husband, Larry, has Lewy Body dementia. He's been whispering now for a couple of months. His ENT doctor asked about his whispering when Larry was at a checkup for the tubes in his ears. The ENT doc wanted to do a scope. However, when I explained that I thought this had something to do with the dementia, he sighed and told me he had seen it before in other patients with dementia. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! When another person walks into the house, Larry speaks normally. As soon as they leave, Larry whispers again. I have excellent hearing but it's still so annoying! As soon as the hallucinations were 24/7, that's when the whispering began. Sometimes I think the whispering is because he doesn't want his hallucination people to hear what he's saying. I feel for all of you going through this with your LO, but I am glad that I am not alone. Stay strong on the journey!

Welcome to the world of the weary. All anyone wants to do is matter; and frankly I don't feel like I matter to my husband who doesn't know me or my name. I can take that, but the constant shrug of the shoulder instead of a response is driving me crazy. I use the phrase, "Kill me now" out loud to myself. It is the same as "you're killing me." I get how you feel; it is very lonely because you are alone. You may be living with and taking care of your spouse, but it is all one way. Nothing back. A friend sent me an email with "thank you" on it just because, he said, "I bet you haven't heard that lately." Reach out and find support from friends and family; it isn't going to come from your spouse, and it isn't his fault. It is a very sad, unpleasant, isolating, lonely situation. I find solace in the fact that my husband is in no pain and enjoys a good meal..maybe not with the best manners..but that is OK. Look for what he can do and celebrate that; otherwise ALZ/Dementia will win and take you both down.

This whispering discussion reminds me of a family friend who suffered a stroke. He couldn't whisper or speak aloud, but he could sing. He was an opera fan and could have communicated with his wife and family, but flat out refused. It seems to be a grab at control when the patient feels they have none. My voice is MINE, and I'm not going to share it. Having others mime and guess and cajole the patient is a form of passive/aggressive behavior. When you have nothing, maybe that is at least something necessary to feeling human.