Introductions: Are you caring for someone with dementia?

Hi @clayton48 This is indeed a tough issue. It was one of the tougher early issues with my wife's diminished mental capacity. We took her to Mayo and they had an electronic set up for driving testing. It was magnificent. Measured reaction times, signals, etc.

Her results were just slightly under acceptable and her doctor kindly told her she could not longer drive. Period. It saved a lot of anguish and arguing with family members. With my MIL, the family tried to do it all themselves and it took far too long. She came very close to injuring a pedestrian before they finally laid down the law and took the keys.

While the independence issue of driving is undoubtedly a difficult one, sadly it will not be the last nor the worst.

I wish you courage and strength,

This is exactly the way I approached it with my husband - concern for the safety of others, and doctor's orders. In addition, since he no longer drives, whenever he wants to go somewhere, I drop everything and we go. I know how I would feel if I no longer had the freedom to jump in the car and go, so I try to give that back to him. I don't get much done around the house, yard, etc., but he stays a bit more content.

Macbeth

I would like to read the advice of others too. My sister is exactly the same. She wants to drive but I am only making excuses to be going where she wants to go and not facing her lack of concentration and slow reflexes.

I found this information on the AAA website about driving and cognitive impairment:
- Driving & Dementia http://seniordriving.aaa.com/understanding-mind-body-changes/mind-cognition/driving-dementia/
- Professional Assessment http://seniordriving.aaa.com/evaluate-your-driving-ability/professional-assessment/

As Scott says, it may be a conversation that your doctor has directly with your husband in Clayton's case or your sister in Sallysue's case. I can imagine your suggesting that they get a clinical driving assessment would not be well accepted. But if their doctor "prescribed" the assessment, it would be more difficult to refute.

Driving -- this has been our second biggest issue/hurdle to work through thus far. It is only natural since independence in life is something that we grow into and own as an adult and its loss is incredibly difficult. About 7 years ago I started doing most of our driving .... my husband could still drive at the time but it was simply easier for both of us if I drove when we went someplace together (or so we thought). When his doctor said he could no longer drive (three years ago) my husband blamed me -- because I had "taken over" driving and that had caused him to lose his skills. In conversation we still deal with this loss on a regular basis although he has not driven in over a year — it has definitely become one of the markers in our journey that we must work through each time. It takes great patience but I only have to think about being told that I must stop driving to understand how frustrated and frightened my husband must feel. It is hard - I wish you all well in figuring out the best approach...

My husband was in the car business, a car lover and a mechanic, he had a commercial garage and taxi business and was a car collector with 30 vintage cars and trucks at one time, (that he rented to movies etc.) and he essentially drove me around. Although at the time I didn't get it, he started making mistakes (probably related to the ALZ) around 7 years ago, including driving mistakes. He got a left turn ticket and I don't remember the exact details but he failed to pay some fine so the government pulled his license as punishment for a year. I took over driving then, all our cars were always old, and I hated driving them. Then after a year for some reason he had to retake the drivers test to get his license back and he passed (but this was 4 years ago or so).

Something scary happened then, the neighbor told hubby to take his car into the garage (for repairs) and hubby "disappeared", for hours I couldn't reach him on his cell. It was late, dark, winter. The neighbor asked where he was. Finally he picked his cell, I said where are you, he said he was out of gas in Niagara Falls! What??? How could I find him? He was suppose to be at the garage or emission test center. It was when he got bad, (sundowning), and he was disoriented. I asked him to look at the street signs and tell me the name of the cross streets which he did. Then I googled it and found he was not in Niagara Falls at all but entirely opposite, way out in Pickering near the lake far east of Toronto. So he had driven for miles on the super highway in a daze. But something in his subconscious mind could still do it. I called the tow truck companies and they said they would not tow him that far. I got in the old car and went out to get him with a gas receptacle, then we had no choice but for him to follow me home in the neighbors car. Luckily we made it safely.

Then our very old car broke down and was scrapped. I got a new (used) one for myself and he NEVER DROVE AGAIN nor asked to, so I'm grateful. Something told him he shouldn't drive, though generally he denies the ALZ. During the past 4 years we sold every one of the collector cars, and he doesn't have the garage. Now there is only my car. Sometimes I say I'm going to get a brand new car and he says then you'll give me your old one, right? I say yah but I might have to trade it in.

The doc asked if he drives and we said no, (though he still does have a license). So far she let it go. I think they make one take the test again at 80, that'll be in three years, I doubt he'd pass again and we won't bother taking it. He just carries the license for ID and dignity.

Thank you for all of your advice and input. I, too, am the sole caregiver and I am forced to make all decisions relative to his life and mine. I'm a strong person and I have worked in the legal field for 30 years. However, there are times I don't want to be strong, I don't want to be the decision maker and I want to be taken care of. I know that is unrealistic but you lose yourself when you are the caretaker. I have always been the dominant spouse, Clayton is sweet, kind and caring, my heart breaks to watch him struggle and become angry. We have been blessed that he has continued to have good cognition for three plus years and he can take are of himself while I work. I am 61 he is 69, I have to work another three years. The driving has been my biggest hurdle and I also believe it is one of those "milestones" that you have to deal with that he really does have ALZ. I don't want him to have it, I want my husband back! I pray daily that God gives me grace and wisdom so I can manage the worsening symptoms in him and the anger I have for slowing losing my sweet, loving husband. I continue to pray for a cure, I know it won't come in Clayton's life time but I pray that our children and your, will not have to be faced with this terrible disease.

Merry Christmas and many prayers to all.

@clayton48, How well I can relate to your situation. We have been in this situation since we retired ten years ago but during the past two years, I have almost lost my husband completely. Like you, I was always the dominate one but now the load gets pretty heavy some days. I am having a good Christmas because my only child and only grandchild are visiting us for ten days. They both are trying to take care of Mom. My daughter insisted I go to the doc for a pretty major problem for which I am having an MRI tomorrow. Take a little advice from me and don't ignore your pain or discomfort. I am in a situation now that I may be required to take my husband to a facility for a few weeks while I recuperate. Take care of yourself. Be angry - it's OK. It's much better than holding it all inside and then exploding someday - which you will. Life you, I pray for a cure even though it won't come in time to help my hubby. Know there are others in your situation and we all understand those things - like praying for grace and wisdom. If I can help, please let me know. I've been living this life for several years. Merry Christmas and warm hugs.

Having to tell my husband he could not drive anymore was one of the biggest worry my family had, but luckily we didn't have to make that decision. I had been doing most of the driving when we went any distance or used "my" car. He had an older pickup that he drove around town and not more than 5 miles from home. Then he had a Dr appointment in April and when the subject of blacking out and falling several times came up, the Dr. very emphatically said he shouldn't be driving and reminded him that he could black out while driving. We drove home and he has never mentioned driving again. The pickup sits in the yard and I have driven it a few times when we needed, but he has not protested to getting in the passenger side at all, and I am very thankful for that. We thank God everyday that the decision was made for him and he accepted it.

He still has his license, but had been having trouble with the vision test and needed affidavits from his eye Dr to get his license the past two years. I'm hoping he will accept the suggestion that he should just get a Photo ID in March when his current license will need to be renewed. I'm sure he couldn't pass the drivers test as he doesn't have enough mobility in his legs from several small strokes he has suffered in the past year.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year with family and friends.

I am right there with you in every aspect of this post - hating to lose my sweet husband by degrees, missing his old self, missing being a partner, rather than a caretaker, hating the disease, praying for a cure. Only, I HAD to stop working five years ahead of time, due to a surgery that left him much worse, and unable to be left alone - now having to pay for individual insurance, no longer paying into pension, etc...oh well, you gotta do what you gotta do, and pray - if you can still believe - for things to work out o.k.

Thoughts and prayers,

Macbeth