Narcissistic partner, struggling to cope as I am leaving.

@redtulip I understand. Had parents like this, especially my father. Haunts me to this day, and I dearly love/d them both.

I know it is different in important ways when it is family - esp. parents - versus a personal relationship. Somehow I've avoided (unknowingly?) relationships with narcissists - to my knowledge. Been single all my life, and the closest I got was a few months' relationship with someone who a psychologist later described as a sociopath. He took pleasure in making things up, setting things up, lying...all of which I found out just a few months later. But the experience haunted me for years.

All of this is to say - you are far better off, long-term, in removing yourself from this relationship. He doesn't deserve you, he can't get his "narcissistic supply" from you any longer, and, as narcissists do, he moves on to new feeding sources.

For me, the hardest part of being exposed to narcissistic parents firsthand is what you mention: how others never see the "inside" reality of their being, what devastating consequences their coldness has on those daring to relate to them.

I haven't found an answer to that, except to vent my experiences in therapy. It hasn't solved or resolved the issues I struggle with having grown up in this environment, but it does give some solace that I was not crazy to oppose their behavior, find it abhorent to observe how they treated each other growing up, and vow to never be like them or with others like them in my lifetime.

I hope you will find a productive outlet, like therapy can be, for sharing your experience in a safe environment. That is what we who post here on MCC find so helpful and welcoming - the lack of judgment, the sharing of familiar experiences, and the safety in doing so.

I wish you well, and that you protect and value yourself as you emerge from this depth. I think you will surface with much knowledge and insight and caring. I hope it will serve you as you find others who value your struggle and your progress moving forward.

Hugs.

@redtulip54 is there a women’s shelter you can go to temporarily while you sort things out? It always is better to leave “now” than “later” because the longer you delay your departure the harder it gets to get out.

@redtulip54 What you're going through is no way to live! I hope you find your way out of the relationship sooner rather than later.

I'm not suggesting that it's true for you, but often when an abused person wants to leave or does leave, negative feelings surface. Things like guilt, shame for staying, feeling like you're a quitter, thinking there was something you could have done to turn the abuser around... I understand some of the dynamics because I've been through it, not with my family, but with bosses and peers and people I thought were my friends.

I've been working with therapists for 18+ years, and I can vouch for their value in working through trauma and relationship issues. Even if they don't provide solutions, it's really helpful to have someone to talk to. Please seek out a therapist who has a specialty in abuse - I don't believe you'll regret it.

I trust the interaction with others here will be encouraging, as well.

One warning - beware of anyone telling you what to do, or trying to give inappropriate advice. Unfortunately, there are well meaning people who give wrong advice.

Our daughter is a therapist in Washington who has worked with clients many times who are in a similar situation. She and all of the therapists in her clinic know what the resources are and they know how to guide people toward their safe place.

Be safe and take care of yourself.

Jim

Hello,
He is not abusive; he would not dare to touch me. But I have so many things here that will need to be moved, as well as other logistical stuff. Yes, it is super tough to stay, because my memory plays tricks on me. I remember good times and how caring he was a long time ago, in the beginning.

Thank you very much for sharing your story and kind and helpful suggestions. The days at the moment are all blending into one, I go to work and then try to numb myself with being active. I have to stay a bit longer for personal logistical reasons. I envy people who avoided meeting a hard-core narcissist on their life journey. I know I will find peace again. At the moment, it is one day at a time....

After growing up with a father so narcissistic that he didn't see anything wrong with my brother beating me I have PTSD. People responding to me with a lack of empathy sends me into panic. It is uncontrollable and therapy is really helping. Yes, one day at a time.

Hi Jim,
Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. At the moment, I feel, like I am swimming in the ocean with big waves. I get a gulp of air and then fight the waves, and the pattern continues. The waves are memories mixed with the pain of reality and gulps of air are my will to live a good life and hope for the future and some good people I come across during my days. I will do therapy once I am out. I have a very good insight myself now, I see how people can get manipulated by narcissists. I know what I am and what I am not, my good sides and sides I try to improve. I am still in the same house; it is not that easy sometimes to just to leave. But I will. Thank you

@daun44 - Boy! Can I relate to what you just posted in that one sentence: "People responding to me with a lack of empathy sends me into panic." !!!!

OMG is all I can write right now. Thank you. I've expressed this in some very recent Zoom therapy sessions, but have not had any acknowledgment or insight into this VERY strong reaction I have to lack of empathy. It is understandable, but my tolerance of it is wearing thin.

It has been growing - my magnified reaction to wholesale, consistent "blank face" reactions to my observations, concerns or expressed discomfort, whether it is from my sibling or my partner. Recently I had to say to my fiance: "You're killing me." I am fairly certain he is not a narcissist, but his lack of expression, often complete lack of response to any number of things I say - just normal, everyday talk - has become breath-stopping. Otherwise he is a sweet, creative partner. But I know I can't go any further with our relationship (i.e., into marriage) if this doesn't change; and that is fine. Marriage is no longer a goal for me, especially now that I seem to have achieved more financial independence than I've ever had in the past...and that is only to say: if I can't find a compassionate life partner (which I've spent my whole life searching for), at least I will be able to afford life's necessities and a few treats here and there. But that doesn't mean I won't long for that connection.

Well, this is maybe something for a separate topic on mental health concerns in relationships, but it takes a toll, especially the lack of validation, being "seen", literally and emotionally being "heard", and otherwise just generally feeling valued and comforted and safe.

As a woman, I'm concerned about wanting to feel safe because I had an odd mix of feeling safe while growing up under narcissistic parents. However, I wonder if that may have been - instead of safety - actually giving up my individuality for some perceived sense of protection. Because my individuality would (& did, on rare occasions), naturally, question (at great fear of abandonment) the 'status quo'.

I need to leave it at that for now, as I'm not sure I'm conveying what is for me a great mixture of sadness and grieving over the price of loss associated with growing up in a narcissitic environment. There was little to zero sense of support, and now that I'm in my mid 60s and still never resolving or getting beyond its burden, in spite of many outward successes and things to be grateful for, I don't want this grieving to continue for what is left of my life.

I welcome anyone who can relate similar experiences or a general sense of grieving and awareness of loss, and how they keep their head above water in spite of the cast iron weight of that constantly there to pull you down.

Best wishes to all - as I've said before here - along this bumpy, convoluted path of life.

@daun44 - Boy! Can I relate to what you just posted in that one sentence: "People responding to me with a lack of empathy sends me into panic." !!!!

OMG is all I can write right now. Thank you. I've expressed this in some very recent Zoom therapy sessions, but have not had any acknowledgment or insight into this VERY strong reaction I have to lack of empathy. It is understandable, but my tolerance of it is wearing thin.

It has been growing - my magnified reaction to wholesale, consistent "blank face" reactions to my observations, concerns or expressed discomfort, whether it is from my sibling or my partner. Recently I had to say to my fiance: "You're killing me." I am fairly certain he is not a narcissist, but his lack of expression, often complete lack of response to any number of things I say - just normal, everyday talk - has become breath-stopping. Otherwise he is a sweet, creative partner. But I know I can't go any further with our relationship (i.e., into marriage) if this doesn't change; and that is fine. Marriage is no longer a goal for me, especially now that I seem to have achieved more financial independence than I've ever had in the past...and that is only to say: if I can't find a compassionate life partner (which I've spent my whole life searching for), at least I will be able to afford life's necessities and a few treats here and there. But that doesn't mean I won't long for that connection.

Well, this is maybe something for a separate topic on mental health concerns in relationships, but it takes a toll, especially the lack of validation, being "seen", literally and emotionally being "heard", and otherwise just generally feeling valued and comforted and safe.

As a woman, I'm concerned about wanting to feel safe because I had an odd mix of feeling safe while growing up under narcissistic parents. However, I wonder if that may have been - instead of safety - actually giving up my individuality for some perceived sense of protection. Because my individuality would (& did, on rare occasions), naturally, question (at great fear of abandonment) the 'status quo'.

I need to leave it at that for now, as I'm not sure I'm conveying what is for me a great mixture of sadness and grieving over the price of loss associated with growing up in a narcissitic environment. There was little to zero sense of support, and now that I'm in my mid 60s and still never resolving or getting beyond its burden, in spite of many outward successes and things to be grateful for, I don't want this grieving to continue for what is left of my life.

I welcome anyone who can relate similar experiences or a general sense of grieving and awareness of loss, and how they keep their head above water in spite of the cast iron weight of that constantly there to pull you down.

Best wishes to all - as I've said before here - along this bumpy, convoluted path of life.