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Arlene, You and I have probably have something in common. I am 84 and my husband is 89. He has been in a care center for almost 3 years now, but before that I cared for him at home for about 4 - 5 years. I miss him and try to visit every other day even though it is a 45 mile drive. We couldn't find anything closer that would accept Medicaid and had skilled nursing in their Memory units. For the last year or so he has been in the regular skilled nursing unit as he can not walk and is no risk for wandering, etc.

I meant caregiver. I have decisions to make as to what is the best way to take care of my husband and myself in the near future.At my age of nearly 87 and with my physical problems it is becoming too hard for me to care for Jim. Actually, I am physically internally fine. My problem is so much pain. I have chronic lower back pain and rods in my back, scoliosis, spinal stenosis, neuropathy and arthritis. I do everything that it takes to care for the two of us plus the paper work my husband always cared for. It is time to either place Jim in a memory care facility or find a live in person to do most of the chores.
I’d like some feedback from anyone who has faced a similar problem.

Hi @arlenejc I am sorry to read about your husband's journey and your health issues as well. I was my wife's caregiver during her 14+ year war with brain cancer. For me caregiving sure was super demanding and having one's own health and pain issues can make it all even more overwhelming than it already is!

During my wife's illness she suffered from many dementia-like symptoms along with the physical decay from the cancer.

I know every patient, every disease, and every journey is unique, but in our case we found that home hospice was a positive solution for us. I know it is not for everyone nor is it possible for all, but I just wanted to raise it as a possible option.

Wishing you continued strength, courage, and peace!

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding. It helps more than I can tell you. The best to you.

Hi @arlenejc, I'd like to add my welcome as well. You may also be interested in the discussions in these related groups:
- Caregivers: Dementia https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers-dementia/
- Spine Health: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/spine-health/
- Scoliosis and Chronic back pain https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/chronic-back-pain-2c72ae/

Arlene, you ask a good question. When is it right to consider seeking a place in a memory care facility vs getting someone to live in and help with chores and caregiving, especially as your own physical abilities limit your abilities to keep up with the increasing physicality of caregiving. I'm bring @coloradogirl @harriethodgson @maryterry and @providence1960 into this discussion too. Part of me thinks that "it depends". It depends on the availability of facilities, financial resources and the type of accommodation one can offer to having someone live-in.

My mother had vascular dementia which, according to her doctor, was like Alzheimer's. When the temperature in Minnesota reached 35 below zero and the wind chill was 45 below, Mom decided to leave her studio apartment and go back to Long Island to visit friends. (All of them were deceased.) I called her physician and he wrote orders for nursing care in the same facility. This is where she died. A friend of mine opted for home hospice, did some minor renovations to facilitate this, and it went well. She hired a caregiver to spend the night with her husband so she could get some sleep. These were efficient, costly solutions. A facility that offers memory care would probably be the best solution. Before you sign up, ask about fees, such as an extra shower. Where do residents eat meals? Find out how many staff members are on at night. Is there an activities program for those in memory care?

Hello, @arlenejc it certainly sounds like you have a lot of difficult decisions to make. You might want to look at this discussion from the Caregivers group. It has a list of resources that you may find helpful. https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/caregiver-resources/. Check it out and see what you can find. I hope some of them help!

Good morning @arlenejc I’m wondering if you have been able to find any answers/help with caring for your husband and yourself? Have you checked with the local agency on aging? They might have some good answers. How are you both doing right now?

Hello! My name is Monica and since August (my mother passed away), I'm the primary caregiver to my 86yo father. Life as I know it has changed. I've been able to set aside many of the feelings that have surfaced because I recently sold their home and am now in the final stages of getting everything cleared out. Today I've experienced so many emotions. I've not choice but to feel my feelings because they will come out sideways.
Blessings to all! I look forward in getting to know your stories.

Welcome @soberhoumom We’re an online community that shares experiences, stories and helpful advice about our shared health journeys. We’re not doctors so we can’t give medical advice, just suggestions based on our own experiences. We’re you also your mother’s caregiver? It must have been so difficult for you and your father when she died. What have you done to be able to cope with all theses changes in your life?