Becoming tired & depressed due to hubby's physical decline

Time to get tough, my dear. My therapist encourages me to think of myself; I encourage you to do the same. It sounds cruel, but when things such as you mentioned are the norm around here, I just say I am going out for a while. Not being mean spirited, just matter of fact. I start getting ready; it doesn't take long before my husband realizes he has been "difficult" and realizes how important I am to his life. I have left, but rarely; I am making a point without words; words just do not work due to emotions being high or due to dementia, etc.
You can say "I'll call your daughter so she knows you are alone."
You can also arrange appointments to get you out of the house--especially with a therapist. They are as important as medical doctors as they are skilled at helping with these types of circumstances. It gets you away--and gives you the means to deal with your situation. And Medicare pays for these sessions; be sure to get a therapist that accepts medicare. Or find a Support Group (hope you use the Internet); gives you a regular time to leave. Be honest; say to your husband, "I need help dealing with our current situation." Or just a regular appointment with a friend--just have a life of your own occasionally.
Or a doctor appointment for you--alone. Medical doctors can deal with depression and have many suggestions besides medication; they know community resources. You must be your own advocate--and you are not alone! You will not be the first to bring these problems up to your physician.
Next time he wants to go to the ER, say you are calling 911 to take him.
Your husband needs to understand that you are a person without whom he would be "toast." He needs you desperately at this time; he's probably hanging on by bullying you because he is afraid.
Always remember there are options; you just have to find the ones that are comfortable for you. It is up to you to be your own advocate; so difficult when you are overwhelmed--but make one small step for yourself. It will help your husband in the long run too when he realizes you value yourself. Be an example by taking care of yourself. Like the airline flight attendants say, "Put your own mask on first." Good thoughts from this support group go your way...

Carrie40 has given you the kind of advice you need!! And I totally agree. Stand up for yourself and I imagine some of his controlling tactics will change. Yes, he has problems, but he has to realize he is taking advantage of you. As for the daughter, pin her down. Give her several appt dates and tell her to pick one.
Bless you.

You are dealing with a lot. The advice others have offered is great but I understand how difficult it can be to stand up for yourself in this situation. When I ruffle his feathers hubby says cruel things and that can go on for hours. Yesterday when he was complaining about some imagined slight I just walked out of the room. First time I've done that and the complaints stopped. You never know what will work.

I told him the caregiver was paid by Medicare even though I'm actually paying them. I gave them instructions not to discuss payment with him and he's amazed at how good medicare is. It's taken 4 weeks but he's finally glad to have them coming twice a week. Once he gets used to the same person I'll be comfortable leaving the house for extended periods.

I pray you're able to find tactics that work for you before you find yourself in the ER.

It is a good morning despite being woken up by the phone's ringing. A guy wanted to sell us a policy to change our health insurance. Still, I should say thank you to him because it turned out that my LO's tee, disposable pants, and side of the bed were saturated with urine. The bright spot is that the urine did not get through the second barrier topper, so I will not have to spray Pooph odor eliminator on the mattress. It is a small blessing, and I'm taking it. -- I also use a walker. Two back surgeries and two knee replacements make it difficult to stand for more than 5 or 10 minutes. It is impossible to do what it takes to make sure my husband's and my own needs are met. -- I have used every suggestion from those who have given advice above, and they all work. Lie if you must. Talk truthfully with his daughter about the reality of his needs and make her an ally (if possible). It will also make you feel less isolated, and who knows, the gods may smile, and his daughter may even contribute to her father's care. -- As soon as possible, find a doctor to help you deal with your depression. In January, depression hit me with a vengeance, and I am grateful to the doctor who helped me handle it. What I learned was that ignoring my own needs would only make a bad situation worse. -- Whatever it takes, put your foot down when his demands are unrealistic. If he goes on and on, leave the room. Put in earplugs and listen to music. It is not cruel, it is dealing with reality. -- It is hard to take care of someone when you have needs of your own that must be attended to. Make him feel like he is part of a team. This morning, for the gazillionth time, I laid out my dream rule. He must change his disposable underpants three times a day. And I actually apologized to him for not reminding him last night to change his underpants because I was too tired. When I said we shouldn't fight about something that we could solve together, he agreed. I am hopeful. I guess hope is the fuel we all use to get through our days. -- But, I think the most important takeaway from this morning's message would be that we must be an advocate for ourselves before we can be one for another. The support on this forum is solid. Take advantage of what we have to share. GloRo

Thank you; I really appreciate your reply. I read all the replies and understand that you have to put compassion in your behavior as a caregiver. But you have to consider the behavior and condition of the person being cared for; one who is capable of controlling him/herself can be encouraged to do so in a positive way IN MY OPINION. Things will just get worse if the caregiver has a breakdown, either mental or physical.

You sound so much cheerier--good for you! I can't imagine doing what you are doing with your own challenges. You are amazing.
I do understand as I have (had??) pancreatic cancer (chemo, Whipple, radiation, 84 yrs old) and now have kidney difficulties that require stents from the kidney to the outside world. But I can walk and feel strong (most of the time) and my husband just has dementia starting and is grumpy. Used to be a bully, but not so much any more due to my following my own advice. ("I need some self-care time; I'll be back in an hour or two). Just don't put up with it, but in a non-judgmental way.