1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Spouse has very early dementia?

Posted by cbmb Cathie @cbmb, Jul 22, 2024

Hi I am fairly new here. I believe my husband has something going on cognitively but I am so confused. We cared for his mother when she had Alzheimer’s off and on for about 8 years but don’t know if that is what is happening with my husband. Very different than with his mom. But I feel like I don’t know this man I’m married too. He will not go to our doctors. I’ve talked to our doctor and he has tried various ways to get him to make an appointment. He can go to the VA also. He did start to go and his doctor sent him for therapy ( Depression) but he does not tell the therapist everything. He will not let me go with him. I’m sure he does have some depression but there is something else going on. He won’t do anything anymore. He doesn’t take care of our yard etc… only mowed 1x this year. He loves fishing and has always fished and hunted . He literally sits and watches tv day after day. His hygiene isn’t as good. He never wants me to leave the house. When I do he tells me I’m always gone. His newest passion is grocery shopping. He looks at the ads as soon as the post online Wednesday morning ( 12:00am) . I am 63 and he is 66. We have been married 44 years. His personality is different . He talks stupid things like he’s a teenage boy? Gives me nicknames that I hate and calls me that all the time till he thinks of a new one. Right now I’m Scraper. He will ask me if we are ok a lot. If I’m in a different room he’s constantly asking what I’m doing. We no longer sleep together because about 2 years ago he started telling me he couldn’t sleep with me I kept him awake? We have a non existent sex life, once in awhile he calls something a odd name. I’ve talked to him several times about these things he has a reason for everything. We bought supplies to redo our trim 3 yrs ago (it needs replaced) it still sits in our garage, wire fencing for our yard also and lattice for around our deck. He has called Turkeys Robins, a cookie sheet a scraper, a coaster for a drink a puck etc… he sleeps 8-9 hours a night but always lays down later and takes a nap. His penmanship has changed and is really squiggly. I’m just in a place of limbo because he’s very different, personality etc… everyone ( our kids , grown grandchildren , friends) have noticed he’s different. I guess I m wanting a Doctor to confirm there’s something because I feel guilty thinking it. But I know in my heart it’s something. What ? Not sure. We have always had a good marriage, good sex , spending time together , doing things etc… Right now I feel like a roommate. I’m so sad yet scared at the same time. This has been for over 2 years.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

cbmb Cathie | @cbmb | Jul 29, 2024
In reply to @janet7 "As we age, our memory changes naturally and it looks different than it did when we..." + (show)
@janet7

As we age, our memory changes naturally and it looks different than it did when we are younger. This can create a lot of uncertainty about whether the changes in memory are caused by normal aging or whether they are warning signs for dementia.

When we age, it might take longer than normal to complete a task like cooking a familiar recipe, or getting used to a new form of technology. We may also lose keys or phone from time to time. That is also normal. Oftentimes, misplacing things comes from a lack of paying attention, not dementia. The forgetfulness that accompanies normal aging may be frustrating, but we can still handle independent and normal life.

Forgetfulness that interferes with our ability to live our daily life may be a warning sign of dementia. This could include forgetting a long-used recipe, no longer being able to use appliances that were previously easy to move or no longer being able to navigate familiar neighborhoods.

For a more detailed differentiation between normal aging and dementia, the National Institute on Aging has helpful resources including the video below detailing the difference between normal aging and dementia. Visit this webpage for more information.

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Thanks, I have read a lot about normal memory and aging etc… it is helpful to understand. We helped my mother in law a lot and when she had Alzheimer’s many years back. I cannot say this is what l am dealing with . I can say that it’s not normal aging though.

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janet7 | @janet7 | Jul 29, 2024
In reply to @cbmb "Thanks, I have read a lot about normal memory and aging etc… it is helpful to..." + (show)
@cbmb

Thanks, I have read a lot about normal memory and aging etc… it is helpful to understand. We helped my mother in law a lot and when she had Alzheimer’s many years back. I cannot say this is what l am dealing with . I can say that it’s not normal aging though.

Jump to this post

I totally agree with you, and what you are experiencing with your husband is not just old age.
If I were you, I would find a Dementia/Alzheimers group, perhaps asking your doctor for his advice. You can take your husband with you and you will learn and get help with his condition, whatever it may be. The more you learn and are with other caregivers, the more confident you will be as his caregiver.

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Rubyslippers | @triciaot | Apr 6 6:16pm

Do you suspect that from the beginning of when his difficulties started that he was scared that he might be like his mother? Perhaps scared that admitting anything, or being diagnosed, would mean that he would have to face a devastating diagnosis that he doesn’t want?
I realize my question is not giving you a solution, and I hope not painful, but if he is/was afraid it might be a part of why he is resistant to act. You have done a really good job of summing up what has been happening, and have covered so many of the areas that he is having difficulty with. You are a very caring person!

The VA may be able to schedule his next medical checkup as a home visit? It might be more evident to a medical person that there are issues during an annual check-up, if they saw him at home. That may trigger a more detailed evaluation.

Many doctors will not discuss their patient even with family. I was somewhat more successful when I told the doctor I had information for him. I was not asking for information. I was not asking to discuss their case. I only have information that might be helpful. HIPPA and privacy laws prevent medical staff from discussing their patients and some doctor’s take it to mean not talking with spouses, as well.

Regardless of a formal diagnosis, you know what level of functioning is happening. You can track if it is a downward spiral. Trust yourself. You know your husband, and you’re able to determine the issues. While you’re worrying about him, and trying your best to get him help, please take care of yourself!

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larryg333 | @larryg333 | Apr 7 10:16am

Quick Reminder Re: Very Early Dementia...

If your loved one hasn't already had a will drafted, it's imperative that this be done NOW. Waiting may jeopardize his ability to legally have one prepared.

All the best!

/LarryG

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judimahoney | @judimahoney | Apr 7 10:30am
In reply to @cbmb "He’s retired. I couldn’t answer as to planning and doing because he literally does nothing other..." + (show)
@cbmb

He’s retired. I couldn’t answer as to planning and doing because he literally does nothing other than cook and sometimes dishes. He was suppose to rebuild our back porch last summer. We had bought the wood etc… he built the original porch when we moved here 27 yrs ago. He kept putting it off and we ended up hiring someone to build it. He sits in his chair all day. Some days he doesn’t even get dressed. This is not who he was at all. I feel like I’m going nutty. I know I’m grieving the life we had and what we won’t have. What I had thought we would do after retirement. Other than to go to the store and once in a great while he will go to our daughters. Other than his appointments @ VA he doesn’t do or go anywhere or do anything. I’m exhausted because I’m doing everything. Caring for our chickens all of it. I have been on disability for 10 years. It’s hard on me physically but I think emotionally it’s even harder. When he has said the wrong word for something and I say something about it he tells me he did it on purpose cause he knows I think something’s wrong. I call bull on that though . I’ve seen his face when he has done it and he doesn’t know he said the wrong word. I also told him that it would be relationship defeating for him to do it on purpose as he knows how I’m feeling. I think I just want to know what’s wrong , what’s going on with him and then I can deal with it better. Not knowing but knowing is hard. I guess I’m wanting a doctors confirmation. A medical diagnosis so I can believe totally. Not one person we know does not say what’s up or what’s wrong with _ _ _ _ .

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Hi, it looks like you haven't written for awhile.
I read your post, and I could have written it myself, our situation is so similar. One difference is that my husband did not resist going to the doctor, was referred to a Neuro doc and after 2 appointments in two years diagnosis went from Mild Cognitive Impairment to Frontotemporal dementia.
You really must seek some form of support, and even though it may fall on deaf ears, you need to let him know how he is affecting you, and what your needs are.
When I share how my husband's dementia affects me, he just says, 'oh'. It's so tragic that he has mostly flat affect when discussing emotions, or he has inappropriate reactions to emotions (e.g., laughing when someone is crying or when he hears sad news).
I am in more than one support group: a dementia support group through our local medical office, and the Mayo Clinic virtual Caregivers support group that meets weekly online.
Good luck to you! 🫂

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