How do you deal with the Guilt of placing someone in Assisted Living?

@slhayton Oh, so many of us have been there!
I remember my Mom and Grandpa crying together almost 50 years ago when they had to move my Grandma, then with my father-in-law, my Mom, and finally watching my sister and brother-in-law and his siblings (so 5 of them try to manage) caring for his Mom & ultimately deciding a care facility was best.

If someone has not been the "in the trenches", they cannot possibly understand the frustration, the exhaustion, the isolation, the sheer volume of work to keep doing it every day. And in the end, it "takes a village", and that village is often in an assisted living or skilled care situation.

Maybe you can try to look at it another way, like my sister and I finally were able to do with my Mom. Mom's assisted living staff became part of our "village" Having them with her, dispensing meds, providing meals, doing the cleaning and laundry, helping her shower, freed us to manage the other parts of her care - medical appointments, managing her bills, getting her hair done, bringing her little things like her favorite cookies (that were often lost in the exhaustion of day-to-day.) So, you are now the executive, and they are your Mom's staff, and you can look at it not as "failing" but as recruiting a team for Mom.

This is not to say there won't be some bumps in the road as she and you adjust to this new normal. She may want to go "home" and just needs to be repeatedly reassured "this is home now" - point out her favorite things - pictures, pillows, etc. You and she may be unhappy that staff does not always do things your way, or as quickly as you would like. As long as they are keeping her clean, safe and healthy, not ignoring her meds or leaving her behind, just calmly reassure her. Any discussion with staff needs to be out of her hearing. Here, your mantra could be "Just because it's not done my way doesn't mean it's not done right."

Sometimes now, if I sit back and reflect, I think a lot of my sense of guilt was concern about what "others" thought - my siblings, her siblings & friends, my friends. In the end, they don't matter! Just Mom's well-being and yours.

Do you have a clergy person, a counselor or a close and understanding friend you can talk to?

I cried for 6 months before placing my brother in a facility. I discovered I had a good time with him on visits and then could go home without feeling angry and resentful that I was giving up my life to take care of him. I think he also had a better quality of life having more friends, going on outings etc, which I wouldn't have been able to provide him with. Life isn't easy for anybody, and you need to weigh the positives and negatives.

@slhayton A parent with Alzheimer’s needs more care than you can provide. you’re not moving your parent just to make your life easier, but to make them safer. I remember trying to help my mom. My sisters and I were telling her about Assisted Living. She wanted to remain in her apartment with her “pretties” around her. We knew that she couldn’t stay and we were too far away to be of help. We finally got her downstairs where her apartment had been recreated, though on a smaller scale. What mostly bothered us, is that she died 1 month later , just after her 99th birthday.
I found this article from the NYT that helps explain the feelings we have. It’s a very good article. Read the entire article.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/03/health/dementia-spouses-nursing-homes.html
Please share the article with others who are interested.
Question for you: how close will your home be to the assisted living facility. Be sure to tell me how the article fits your situation, I’d really like to know what did the doctor said about dosing.

We hated having to place my mother-in-law in a nursing home after she lived with us for 18 years BUT we knew she needed the 24 hour care we could not provide (we were still working). We kept telling ourselves it was better & safer for her than staying in our house. However, we continued to have guilt about our decision until she died. We still have the guilt (and I'm not sure if it will ever go away) but we know it was the best decision for her. I was working remotely, so I could visit her at odd hours and the staff at the nursing home didn't know when I would show up (which was sometimes before she woke up and sometimes after she was asleep). some days I would take her out to lunch at her favorite place (hot dog, fries and a milk shake) and we would be gone for over an hour. I still cherish those days.

I know. After my mom died I made it a point to visit my dad for a few days EVERY MONTH FOR 12 YEARS! He lived just 2 hours away. When the rest of the family talked him into assisted living at the age of 96 the guilt took over. I was unable to participate having just had heart surgery. He died at the age of 98 two years ago and I still can’t let go of the guilt. Maybe I need therapy.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda only goes so far.

You did a magnificent job caring for your father.
Don't feel bad because you aren't superhuman.

Becky….@becsbuddy
Wanted to read the article you referenced, but it requires a subscription.

For years I argued with my sister, who wanted to move our mom to a facility…(she had help at home, and was safe) -finally I agreed, and Mom died a month later. It’s tough when family members disagree on something so important.

Assisted living is the best place at that stage of life. Some places are like luxury resorts with very caring and professional staff. You just need to visit as often as you can and keep on eye on things, even in the best places. The secret is to not have any guilt whatsoever. In fact congratulate yourself for making the right decision.

@slhayton I just clicked on the newspaper article just now and got the article. No subscription, just a lot of interference by ads. Try it and let me know if it works.

@sueinmn - Beautifully stated and shared! Thank you.

With our mother in "Personal Care" my sister and I are dealing with the same issues, concerns, struggles. I don't have any advice for now from our experience other than to do the best you can, with genuine concern for the welfare of the person, guided by love for them in your heart. We are not responsible for the condition/s they are suffering from, but we can do 'our part' to try to reduce the impacts.

What I - and my sister, I believe - also struggle with, to keep it brief for now, are that neither of us have family of our own, just a partner or spouse. Who will step up to take care of us?

Without going into it further here, we made our choices in life, but some of it was a reaction to what we grew up with (i.e., NOT wanting the misery of a relationship our parents had, choosing to NOT have children, thereby not having a codependent relationship with those children or others to the extent of robbing them of their happiness and their identity).

So in our mid-60s, we find ourselves helping that remaining parent, those expectations, and yet still struggling with our own growth issues that will pretty much never be resolved or resolvable.

I hope - for my sister, and I - that we still have time to get through and beyond this to live our own lives more authentically. We've spent our lives in this struggle, not getting much further with therapy and meds. Sometimes, even with the best of efforts and resources, there just aren't any answers, let alone resolution.

My best to everyone on this journey.