Emotional aftermath following breast cancer treatment

I began this post almost two years ago, because I felt like a little truth-telling would be good for me. People around me were acting like life was moving on (and on one hand, I was so glad for not being thought of as the woman with breast cancer), and yet I was still feeling so many emotions on the inside. I wanted my emotional equilibrium back (now, wondering what that ever looked like in the first place?), and I wasn't sure if it would ever return.

I am just over four years cancer free from TNBC. While my body looks normal on the outside, I am left with being physically "high maintenance" as my adult children call it. I can't take a lot of medications and I react to almost everything. We call me the "canary" in the mine. . .you know, when miners used to take a canary into the mines to make sure it was safe for them to be there (or to get out when the canary died)? The light-heartedness can help me adjust to my new normal, but then, at times, I can get a little weary of being the canary.

I've learned there are women who more seemingly move through this aftermath of breast cancer, and there are those who feel like they just do not recover. The jury is still out for me. For the most part, I have reentered my life, adjusted to the new normal, and dive in. I have fourteen grandchildren (almost fifteen), own my own business, and have a wonderful husband. I'm guessing, no one would ever know I still struggle emotionally from looking at me from the outside. Thing is, though, that my emotional topsy-turvy has me reacting to things differently than before. and I yearn for more stability in those emotions. I've seen a wonderful Christian psychologist a handful of times, but I left the office before my last scheduled appointment began. . . I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. I leveled with my medical provider about being down for the past two years, and she gave me a pep talk to exercise. . "It's summer!" and then walked off and waved saying (cheerfully, I might add), "Have a good day!" Um. . . let's just forget I had that experience. . . it's almost laughable, in fact, it is. Oh good grief. I have a master's in therapy and counseling. . . . I told myself that my provider did not and moved on.

There are times I grieve my old self - both physically and emotionally. . . my natural breasts are gone, along with all the sensation. Numbness replaced all that. My uterus and the remaining parts are all gone, too, due to a second cancer diagnosis after TNBC. Things are not the same as before, but I tell myself it's okay. There are just some days I don't fully receive that truth. And to that point of my provider with "go exercise! :D!" - it's not a lack of motivation, but it's deep aching on the inside that can sometimes stifle that highly driven woman I used to be. The new woman on the inside is tired, often. That can be hard to explain to another person. . . and then, the road is primed for guilt, shame, and sadness to follow because I find myself overweight and out of shape. But the good news is that I continue to TRY.

Our journeys are so individual . . . there is no real "right" or "wrong" way to do them. I think one of the best ways to help myself continue to learn how to walk this new journey is to give myself grace and time. Invest in the now. Give myself permission to have those times when things don't go as well as I'd hoped, or I didn't respond in the way I wanted to. Realize my emotional buttons are still a little more pronounced, and it doesn't take a lot to push them. Just BE OKAY, and let that be enough. I believe with my whole heart that God makes things beautiful in His timing . . . and daily, I learn to look to practice thankfulness and pray for my heart to heal from the trauma I experienced. And with time, I think it has. . .no, I know it has, and it continues to. Take a deep breath in and out. And then let God take the rest of it. I want my life to honor Him, and I want to honor those around me. Sometimes, that looks a little haphazard, I know, but if I want to be honest, things looked a little haphazard before BC. It's just now I understand more fully the value of this life and wanting to get it "right" more often than not. In the end, it is just about living life fully, and being okay in that fullness - whatever it now looks like.

My heart walks with all of you who have experienced this breast cancer journey. I'm trusting God to make something beautiful out of it for all of us. hugs 'n blessings to you all.

abnormal mammo 4/29 did,nt get next mammo 5/16.biopsy pretty quick,but a month before I could get a MRI and before I met the surgeon.She was.nt available.Maybe vacation.Probably another month before surgery.Too late to find another doc now. So technically from 5/16.I'm a mess.

It's been 10 weeks on a journey i thought would be cut and dry.BOY! was I mistaken. Biopsy,lump and lymph node.O.K. get it out! no,Need am MRI to see if there was anything else.Found another lesion.Now I have to have another biopsy.Bone scan coming up.Hope they don't find anything else. So far all organs are good,but who knows what they will find when go in there .So 2 and a half months and still unsure about what is going on and no surgery scheduled.I hate my new life with cancer!

That was a beautiful post rhongirl. Many of us can echo your emotions and struggles.
I was diagnosed at 70 in Dec 22 with ILC which was TNBC in one breast and IDC in the other breast. We live in MI but we ended up going to Mayo and then I was to have the surgery. However I had developed a large hematoma from the needle biopsy in my hometown so the Mayo surgeon had to delay my surgery for 5 weeks because the hematoma could hide pathology after surgery. He said because I was stage 1
it would be ok to wait. I was a nervous wreck about waiting, I'm sure you can all relate. I also had 2 spinal compression fractures from osteoporosis during this time. I felt like a total mess. So we went home and I am a great believer in prayer and I was praying morning noon and night. I started reading books about positive thinking and how it affects your health. During this same time I was to lay flat on my back for 15 minutes a day to help with the spinal compression fractures. So I decided this was the perfect time to get my mind in a positive state. So I started what I call my " Optimistic Self Talk" and I still do it each and every day. I know it has helped me immensely. As I am laying down I put a 15 minute timer on my phone. I close my eyes and I start with a prayer. Then I repeat over and over for the 15 minutes, "Love, Light, Optimism, Wellness and Healing. I am staying in a remission, I am staying free of cancer anywhere in my body. I am a Survivor and I will stay a Survivor. I am well and healthy, I am just fine, all is well in my body. Thank you for my healing and healthy body. ". Then I just keep repeating that for the 15 minutes. I know it has made a big difference for me. Hopefully it can help some of you. Whenever I have a negative thought now about my health I just repeat some of my optimistic words to myself and it really helps me. Sending Love and Wellness Wishes to all of you. ❤️

abnormal mammo 4/29 did,nt get next mammo 5/16.biopsy pretty quick,but a month before I could get a MRI and before I met the surgeon.She was.nt available.Maybe vacation.Probably another month before surgery.Too late to find another doc now. So technically from 5/16.I'm a mess.

Thanks for the 15 minute meditation idea! I love it!

I have heard more than a few statements to hating myself or being angry at myself for getting this disease.
I think a lot of that is because we keep hearing about breast cancer is a modifiable risk. I think this is a horrible thing to say to a breast cancer patient. Especially since they can’t really say for sure if YOUR cancer was from a “modifiable” cause. They say lung cancer is mostly caused from smoking too, but the person who started smoking in the 70’s didn’t know, what we know now. If I knew that, I would have bought apple stock in the 70’s too.
Please stop beating yourself up. We are all just trying to live the best life we can live, ours is tough enough with breast cancer without beating ourselves up as well.
My doctors look at me now as an overweight older lady and presumed had bad habits causing my cancer.
I was never overweight until 8 years ago after a bad accident. I was actually considered a little too thin. Because I worked and played hard and felt like eating and sleeping were optional. I have friends who are vegetarians, rail thin and never drank or smoked in their life and still got breast cancer.
Please give yourself the benefit of the doubt regardless of who you are or your previous habits. Cancer beats you up plenty, don’t give it an extra hand to hit you with.💕