Recovering from loss: How do I get back to my old self?

I was 14 when my Dad died and I was a Daddy's girl. It tore me apart and at that age and back in 1964, there was no help for me. My mother was in her own grief so I really didn't get much consoling from her. I was just left to deal with it however I could. Well, I'm 72 now and I don't think I ever really did so now that I'm older I have lost many many more. My brother in 1978 he was 36 married with 2 boys. Both parents, brother, grandparents and aunts and uncles and two babies are gone and many friends recently. How do you deal, it's life. I have no answers obviously, I'm here! I was able to deal with anxiety somewhat in earlier years but now seem to be having a harder time. My heart goes out to you, I know the pain but I wish I had some wisdom for you. I'm trying meds and therapy, so far no real help from meds and therapy should have started many years ago. The one thing I can pass on, make as many friends as you can because as you get older you lose them too. Keep active, join organizations or a church where you always have people. That helps you the most I think. Good luck, sincerely.

very very sorry for your losses and difficulties.

Back in the 90s, I worked for a non-profit. I would frequently have to go over the house of one of the Board members, and get her to sign some checks.

Pat was 85 back then. She came from a very large family, maybe had 10 brothers and sisters. She was one of the youngest. Her father was 60 years old when she was born.

I have taken therapy. It helps. It is not some perfect solution, but it helps...

She lost many people, and from a young age.

When I would bring over the checks, she would make me tea and serve me cookies. And we would sit for a minute, before she signed the checks.

One day she told me, "Sam...not a day goes by that I don't cry for someone I lost..."

It was enormously moving and powerful for me.

And now, in 2023, my mom died, my wife's mom died...and several relatives are now battling cancer. It's been so hard.

Hi Sharron. Yeah, it sucks. It's so hard.

I went through a five year patch during which I lost every member of my birth family. And it didn't help that all the deaths were expected. So as soon as one passed, I had to turn my attention to the next. I never processed any of them. I never had time. And in the midst of all of it I also lost two close longtime friends, one of them a former partner I had remained close to long after we let each other go, and who was absolutely foundational to the course my life took from there. She went unexpectedly. We'd lived together, we made love together, and while I've never once questioned our mutual parting as a couple (we were simply headed in very different directions), my affection and gratitude and feeling of connection to her has still never left me, even though I've long since married and raised kids.

It was a really hard period.

I suppressed it all, and during the five years that followed, I dropped into the worst depression of my life. And depression has been a companion since childhood, so I know now how bad it got. It was amplified by an antidepressant that flipped me, something that can happen to about 1-1.5% of patients who used them according to a British Medical Journal article I stumbled on (if you are on them, work closely with your doctor, because they're pretty powerful medications, and while they can be quite helpful for many, there is a risk, so you want to pay attention to that one). I went into a very deep hole, almost catatonic at times, got pretty self-destructive, turned away from friends (the pandemic worsened that one), started turning to self-harm attempts, and wound up suicidal and in the hospital as a result. You don't want to reach that point. Trust me.

Now I'm in counseling and on a different class of medication that seems to be helping. And now I'm finally processing all that suppressed grief. The tenth anniversary of my sister's death recently passed (she was the first to go), and after never doing so since she died, I've been crying and crying and crying and it's been damned hard and the best thing I've done to deal with it all. I still have several other deaths to work through, but I'm on the road.

I know this sounds cliche, but therapy is so important. I wish I'd entered it a decade ago. It was in my therapist's office, while discussing the night my sister died, that I finally broke down and cried. A couple of months later I'm still doing so almost daily. It's both painful and joyful. It's what I didn't do for ten years. I just hid it, and hid from others as a result. So I've been there. I understand.

I'd recommend finding a therapist you feel comfortable with and then start talking. It takes time to build a relationship of trust, especially when you already feel vulnerable. You have to be patient, but once you get there, you can finally start letting it go in a place that is safe.

I was lucky, I found the right person on the first try, although she recently was assigned to a rehab program and I had to switch to a new one. But she helped me dig my way out of the hole, which I had to do first, and depression is her area. I'm now with someone who is more specialized toward grief, and thanks to my first therapist, I was able to walk into the second one's office ready to talk immediately. And talking is what you have to do. I waited too long, and did myself some serious damage as a result.

I'm also lucky enough to have a good support system, and three good friends in particular have been immeasurably helpful in just listening and letting me spill it all out. They're people I've long known and trusted (and one is a therapist herself), but who aren't in my daily life. So there's some objectivity there that my wife can't provide (she saw me at my worst, and it began to threaten a thirty year marriage, so she's still kind of unsure if it's even over; when I'm ready, I'm going to have her come in to a therapy session with me, but I'm not there yet). One of those friends was even closer to my sister than she is to me, so there's shared grief, and she understands the dynamic of my relationship with my sister in a really helpful way. If you have a couple of close friends like that, draw them in. It's another chance to talk it out, and you need that.

A lot of my communications with those friends has been via emails and Facebook messages, and writing it out helps in a way talking doesn't. It gives me a chance to really organize my thoughts in a way that oral communication doesn't. Try writing. Even if it's only for yourself.

I've recommended the following site on multiple threads here. It's a daily mood tracker and it's free. You can build a pretty good record of your ups and downs, and there's room for notes. I record not just the mood swings, but the context of them. What was going on in my life right then. As a result, I've been able to learn what signals tell me I'm needing to pay extra close attention to myself.

Here's the link: https://emoodtracker.com

Grief never goes away. It's something you'll be feeling for the rest of your life. But it is possible to make peace with it and find your way back to normalcy. It will be different normalcy from what you have previously known, that's inescapable, but you'll be able to fully function again.

This forum is a good place. I got on it while I was still in the hole, and it's another place that has helped me tremendously. I'm glad you found your way here. Keep sharing your journey.

I don't think you ever get back to the way you were. My husband died 2-1/2 years ago. It was not expected. We were married for 59 years and together for 62 years. How can you expect things to "get back" after a lifetime of being together? I have had grief counselling, but I am still in deep depression and mourning and I expect I always will be.

You are right. Things will never get back to the normal it used to be. My husband died 2 years ago this August and I probably think about him daily and talk to his picture. I moved into senior housing where everybody here is a widow. We do activities together like movies, bingo, coloring, exercise class, pizza night, Sat morning coffee, make your own Sundae, etc. You recognize what a funk you are in by writing to this forum. I read something not long after he died that said "It's not fair! I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with him! Then I realized that he spent the rest of his life with me."

This is exactly how I'm feeling. I lost my father with only two weeks to absorb the fact that he was dying. He was my anchor. I feel like I've completely lost myself. I'm letting myself go and isolating myself (though I was already pretty isolated.) I feel I'm losing the ability to feel joy in things that you used to bring me joy. I know my dad wouldn't want this for me. Did you find a way to help yourself? I feel I should be moving forward but nothing seems to "stick."

@jaidkat Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect, even in the face of such sad times for you.

It's never easy to lose a parent, even when we have time to muddle through the process for a while. It seems like you have answered yourself with the knowledge your "dad would not want this for me". Take some time to sit down and write a letter to him. Ask him what he would say, what he would suggest you do to take a few small steps to start back on a healthier track. You might find it helps you feel closer to him, and then listen for what his responses might be, and write those out, too.

Sometimes we need to turn to a professional to help guide us, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. Do you have d=fellow family members to talk things out with, or close friends to lean on for support?
Ginger

Maybe there is a new normal during & after grief, although I don't think
there really is an "after," as I will always grieve for my husband. I keep thinking
I just have to figure out how to live the rest of my life in some meaningful way,
whatever that is. I need a purpose. So, to me the question is how do I find
a meaningful purpose now.
Anyone have any ideas??????????? Any & all welcome........... K

K -- I too will be interested in any responses. My wife passed away unexpectedly 13 weeks ago, and we were married for 52 years. I too have been thinking about how to live the rest of my life in some meaningful way. My adult children have suggested being a volunteer in some manner. I agree with you, I think grief does not end, I believe it just changes over time. For me, it is still early. Yet looking forward, having a purpose will be important. Just need to find it. Best to you.

My son passed away in a fire a little more than a year ago. I know I will never be the same, grief changes you. I am still trying to figure out how to get back to something that resembles normalcy but I needed to find a purpose to keep going.

I started a 501(c)(3) in his honor and it helps support something that was his passion. While this is very hard at times it also gives me something to keep his memory alive and his best friends are all on the board. Handling events and other business for the foundation gives me a reason to keep moving everyday.