Feeling lonely and want to vent

I’m learning that.

Thank you for such kind, wise, and thoughtful words. Beautiful.
I wish you all the best also. You sound like an amazing and wise person.

I have written about this before, but now I think things are worsening. I have always been more of a loner. I was extremely shy and had an abusive mother. My therapist diagnosed me with extreme PTSD. Now I am a widow. I do not participate in anything. From experience I find that when I try to participate in any kind of a group I feel excluded. To me this is more hurtful than staying home. I go to the grocery store, the bank and the library. That's it. I cry a lot. I am now looking back at some of the events that have happened when I feel I did not act or say appropriate things because of the bad things that were wired into me by my mother. I did not know this at the time. I cannot do them over but I grieve about this and it causes me pain.

Well, first of all, you are not alone. Before we get sick we have some idea that getting sick causes our loved ones to smother us with love and take care of us.

I have been in support groups for 20 years. Many of us report the exact opposite. Family and friends just walk completely out of our lives.

It is truly horrible.

I had carbon monoxide poisoning in 2003. Including all family and friends, since 2003, only 4 people showed up at my house. And 2 of the 4 only showed up once. Would go for weeks without a single phone call.

Truly horrible stuff.

That being said, life doesn't end. We find new ways to cope.

New ways to have peace and happiness.

It is certainly a bigger struggle, but we learn new coping skills, new ways to do things...and we get by. And yes, we get by with less. We get by sometimes in very different ways than what life was like before.

Now, I know the names of all the birds that visit . Well, I don't know their first and last names, but I know the different types of birds. I have learned a lot more about the constellations. I cook and bake more. I do creative writing, visual art...whatever it takes to fill my day with positive things.

And comparing our life now to what we had before? That is a super big problem. For me, I had to stop doing that and just focus on what is possible now.

Today, my wife and I just went around the corner to a little hot dog place....and just had cheese steaks and onion rings. Not a big deal, in one sense, but it is what we could get done today...and we just enjoyed being able to do that, you know, rather than get upset that we are not going to the Big City to a fancy steak place and the theater.

That comparison thing was a big problem. But we both completely enjoyed our cheese steaks and O-rings. And this local place makes amazing ones.

Anyway, I feel for you, new to this transition. For me, the transition was not easy and not fun.

Wishing you to find some peace and joy through the difficulties.

Take care now.

This is really tough, I know.

I have too much time on my hands, and not enough energy because pain deprives me of sleep. My thoughts easily turn negative -- and stay that way.

If there's a foolproof method to break that I haven't found it, but sometimes what works is to decide to come to Mayo Connect and try to cheer someone else up. Nobody gets too many kind words.

That helps others, and it helps me.

But sometimes I'm just too tired, too sleep-deprived, and just too damned cranky for that. I just endure.

I really try to avoid re-hashing old mistakes. There are no do-overs, and even if there were, what would really be different? Yeah, I wish I'd had the nerve to ask out the pretty blond girl from Advanced Biology my senior year. Jan S., if you're out there, would you have said yes?

What if, if only. What if, if only. Talk about the highway to frustration!

And there are times it doesn't work. My younger son and family threw me out. He told me hateful things. I sent him a long email. I accepted responsibility for any things or words I said that were deemed to be hurtful and then I apologized. Heard nothing. So there you are.

I consider myself lucky: I never get lonely with a pet or two around.

I'm 67 and have recently been ghosted by a life-long friend. I'm pleasantly surprised at how quickly Im getting over it.

Meh.

Everybody's different.

Cheese steak and
O-rings ..... now I'm really hungry!

@ellie80 You have read some interesting responses here in your quest for understanding it all when it comes to feeling lonely, and having people around you to help you. It certainly is difficult to reach out to others when that is what we have been taught or experienced, and then it is not reciprocated, right?

Something that I have repeated to myself, is this: You can use the situation [no matter what it is] as a stepping stone to move beyond it/rise above it, or you can see it as a millstone around your neck, holding you back. You get to make that choice. You alone. Listening to the counsel of others is good, but you make the final decision.

Here's sending you sincere wishes that you are feeling better, and not so alone, today.
Ginger

Ellie:
I'm sorry you are finding such disappointment in your "friends." That happens to all of us at one point. My husband has lung cancer and we ran into the same thing. What we did was research local taxi's on Yelp for doctor visits, etc. Many of the taxi companies had bad reviews stating drunk or high drivers, dirty cabs etc. So we went one level up to limousines. A little more expensive but very dependable. We found a great company that we use all the time. Clean, beautiful cars and courteous, sober drivers. This is for when you go to the emergency room in the aid car but have to get back home or one is in the hospital and visiting may run into the night time hours etc. Basically we use the limousine service when one of us doesn't feel safe driving. It also works well for getting to the car repair place and not having to wait or the airport.
Best wishes,
PML