Aren't you tired of living and waiting for things to get better?

I have felt the same way ever since I had a psychotic episode at age six, fifty-four years ago. I rate my level of suicidality on a scale of 0 to 10. Zero means no depression (which has never happened) 10; I'm dead. Most mornings, I wake up at about 8. By late afternoon, I can work my way down to a 3. By the time I return to bed, I'll be around 5.

I've recently tried to treat my depression like any chronic illness that needs daily management.

Here is what I do:

I wake up at 6:00 am every day. I get right up before I can start thinking.
I am usually out of the house by 7:30 after going through my morning ritual. I am still trying not to think, just act.
I exercise for two hours every day.
I then have coffee at a local place and collect my thoughts. By now, I can think without dropping into hell.
I work on projects that are meaningful to me until five.
I read or watch TV (I hate television but I live with my mother and she likes it).
In bed between 9:30 and 10:00.

Weekends are more challenging as they are less planned.
It sucks having to keep such a rigged schedule. For now, it's working, so I stay with it.
I also try not to eat food that makes me feel worse. For me, that is refined sugar and highly processed foods.

I also use my phone to keep track of my thoughts. I am a very different person at a three than I am at an eight. Sometimes, when I'm eight, it helps to read things I felt as a three. It also allows me to see how tragic my thinking was when I was eight or worse.

I believe I have been depressed for so long that the neuropathways leading to depression are like super highways. I know my brain can reroute these pathways. I try very hard to change my thinking as the negative thoughts creep in. Once they get a hold of me, it is difficult to impossible to change them.

Depression, for me, is a chronic condition like diabetes. I can treat it but can't cure it. I still bounce back and forth between wanting to die right now and just looking forward to when my life will be over. My work gives me purpose every once in a while, and I don't actively think of dying.

I wish you peace and good health.

I have felt the same way ever since I had a psychotic episode at age six, fifty-four years ago. I rate my level of suicidality on a scale of 0 to 10. Zero means no depression (which has never happened) 10; I'm dead. Most mornings, I wake up at about 8. By late afternoon, I can work my way down to a 3. By the time I return to bed, I'll be around 5.

I've recently tried to treat my depression like any chronic illness that needs daily management.

Here is what I do:

I wake up at 6:00 am every day. I get right up before I can start thinking.
I am usually out of the house by 7:30 after going through my morning ritual. I am still trying not to think, just act.
I exercise for two hours every day.
I then have coffee at a local place and collect my thoughts. By now, I can think without dropping into hell.
I work on projects that are meaningful to me until five.
I read or watch TV (I hate television but I live with my mother and she likes it).
In bed between 9:30 and 10:00.

Weekends are more challenging as they are less planned.
It sucks having to keep such a rigged schedule. For now, it's working, so I stay with it.
I also try not to eat food that makes me feel worse. For me, that is refined sugar and highly processed foods.

I also use my phone to keep track of my thoughts. I am a very different person at a three than I am at an eight. Sometimes, when I'm eight, it helps to read things I felt as a three. It also allows me to see how tragic my thinking was when I was eight or worse.

I believe I have been depressed for so long that the neuropathways leading to depression are like super highways. I know my brain can reroute these pathways. I try very hard to change my thinking as the negative thoughts creep in. Once they get a hold of me, it is difficult to impossible to change them.

Depression, for me, is a chronic condition like diabetes. I can treat it but can't cure it. I still bounce back and forth between wanting to die right now and just looking forward to when my life will be over. My work gives me purpose every once in a while, and I don't actively think of dying.

I wish you peace and good health.

My depression is always worse when I wake up also. Even if I take a nap, I awaken with profound sadness and anxiety. I wonder why this is? 🤔

Both physical and mental. Mostly mental because after taking a shower, I get a bit of energy but it disappears throughout the day. I'm 37. Just very very exhausted from life overall. I think I've been this way since I was a kid and nothing has changed. I don't have any specific diet but I'm not overweight or anything. I'm just tired of being on earth, I guess. I feel like I have no purpose here. All suffering.

I saw someone else say, "All this advice from people who don't know what it's like." They're right. Anyone who gives your advice and says you need to be positive...they think they can imagine what it's like for you, but they're just full of good intentions. I also don't want to live another day, or hear that I should call 988, or talk to my doctor about it. You feel this way because you have tried it all. Even hope can be too hard to manage. Thank you for being honest, and not using humor or false hope to make it easier to swallow.

I saw someone else say, "All this advice from people who don't know what it's like." They're right. Anyone who gives your advice and says you need to be positive...they think they can imagine what it's like for you, but they're just full of good intentions. I also don't want to live another day, or hear that I should call 988, or talk to my doctor about it. You feel this way because you have tried it all. Even hope can be too hard to manage. Thank you for being honest, and not using humor or false hope to make it easier to swallow.