At what point are you considered alone forever?

Posted by texasguy1962 @texasguy1962, Apr 24 11:00pm

From reading a few posts, this sounds like a place to sound off at the very least, and hopefully find some thoughts of others on a subject. I honestly just signed onto this system so forgive me if I misunderstood.

I recently turned 60. I have been divorced 20 years. My kids are grown and on their own, so it is just me and my dog. I wonder at what point do you just decide you will probably be alone until the end? I mean, I have family and my kids are only an hour away, but the majority of my time is spent home alone. I go out and do things, but just not every day. But most of those things I do alone. I meet friends for a drink or lunch every now and then, but that's not even a weekly occurrence. I am retired and don't need anything but really don't want to go back to work, so I have days between busy and nothing. But again, I don't want to do anything some days.

I know most would say I am lonely and depressed, but I don't feel like I am. (Not being a jerk but would I feel like I was if, in fact I was? I don't know). Anyway, I don't have thoughts of harm, I don't sit and wish someone would call, and honestly, I laugh at myself quite a bit. I have one really good friend (no romantic attraction at all on either side) and we talk sometimes 3 times a day on the phone while she works... I think she is bored...lol.

I have dated off and on, more off than on recently, but I get exhausted because so many women in my age range are looking for immediate marriage and I am just not sure I want to do that. I don't have a problem with a living together situation but what is the benefit to marriage at this point in life? Religious stuff aside, if I were to get married I would not change my will or my financial stuff, or anything like that, so what is the benefit in a certificate? But they want marriage and they want it now. I had a long-term friend with benefits (sorry, but it's true and neither one of us wanted anything more) but she moved across the country a couple of years ago.

I do admit I would enjoy sitting on the couch with someone in the evening and watch tv, rub their feet, and just relax. I would enjoy going places with someone, either for the day or on a road trip, going grocery shopping together, and just enjoy and live life. I would be okay with being "in love" like that again, but at this point will be happy with compatible and stable and just liking each other a lot....lol.

Is there something wrong with me or am I looking for something that doesn't exist?

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Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | May 6 3:47pm

In reply to @reecie1950 "Alone forever? When you quit hoping, quit looking. Hoping you have not. Hoping to hear from..." + (show)

@reecie1950, it is kind of you to offer your email. As per the Community Guidelines (https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/about-connect/tab/community-guidelines/), your email address was removed. We recommend not sharing personal contact information or location coordinates on the public forum. See guideline #9.

pjane53 | @pjane53 | May 6 5:04pm

I have been alone a very long time, 14 years. I was engaged & that didn’t work out, which I’m grateful it didn’t! Prior to that, I was married 18 years, husband passed away.
Sometimes I think about having a partner but I’m not sure I could do it. I’m very independent, enjoy my friends, family, etc. Come & go as I please. It’s not that I’m closed off to it, it’s just not any sort of priority at this point in time. My kids are grown & married. I have 3 sweet granddaughters, and I’m still working full time. If it’s in the cards for me to be alone for the rest of my days, so be it 🙂 If not, the connection would have to be the absolute right thing at the right time for the right reasons in both of our lives 🌻☀️

fireflysurvive | @fireflysurvive | May 6 8:13pm

In reply to @mikaylar "Alone is not a bad thing. Besides......you have yourself and God, so you are not alone...." + (show)

Being alone and being lonely are not the same, right!

jennifer0726 | @jennifer0726 | May 6 9:31pm

In reply to @pjane53 "I have been alone a very long time, 14 years. I was engaged & that didn’t..." + (show)

@pjane53 Very well said!

dloos | @dloos | May 7 10:02am

In reply to @pjane53 "I have been alone a very long time, 14 years. I was engaged & that didn’t..." + (show)

I think this is the perfect attitude. Enjoy the great things in life. Stay open to another relationship, but don’t make it your main priority.

Sounds like you already have a full life. It may be harder for people who feel more “need”.
To those people... think about how you can enrich your life rather than seek a romantic relationship.

pjane53 | @pjane53 | May 7 4:39pm

@dloos - thanks. I’m a firm believer in ‘if something is for you, it will find you’ - sure we can ‘make’ things happen but oftentimes, there’s a price for that. There’s an ebb and flow to life and that is true of everything, including relationships. Being alone is manageable & can also be fun and empowering but, being with the wrong person just to avoid being alone can be soul crushing. Who needs that? 😏

dloos | @dloos | May 7 5:47pm

In reply to @pjane53 "@dloos - thanks. I’m a firm believer in ‘if something is for you, it will find..." + (show)

Yes, I couldn’t agree more.
Some people search for “that feeling” (new love, sexual attraction, romance) at the expense of everything else. It never ends well.
Learning to live a full, independent life can be challenging , but ultimately is the healthy thing. If love comes along....then that’s great. Also, you are a better partner if you are not needy.

cleopepper | @cleopepper | May 9 5:13am

I relate to being content to be alone. It is like being on a personal retreat. I also feel a tug to make efforts to connect, because we really do benefit so much from connection with others. Seems like you are getting out with others, I don't think you ought to feel any agenda on yourself to partner up, unless you really want that. How much connection you have and need is something to be attuned to. But it should come from that attunement, vs from a feeling of societal expectation.

binky1956 | @binky1956 | May 16 3:08pm

Dear Tex ~
I just read your post. This is the first time I'm posting...mostly because of your question. In my opinion, there is no exact time or place or epiphany for this decision. We can not determine what the future will bring. You are still young and healthy! Plus, according to you, you DO have friends! You're active socially and you're still involved in life! I lost my husband, the love of my life, three years ago. We were married for 30 years, and I know there will never be another love like that in my lifetime. Besides my cat, I am truly alone. You are so lucky to have friends! Please be grateful when your phone rings. Mine doesn't ~ unless it's someone trying to sell me something! We all have a purpose ~ a reason why we're here. Try to find THAT! Be well.

marcosandrew | @marcosandrew | May 17 1:23am

Hey @texasguy1962

It sounds like you're in a reflective phase of life, which is completely normal and healthy. Wanting companionship and connection while also enjoying your independence is a balanced approach. There's nothing wrong with you for desiring a meaningful connection without rushing into marriage.
Many people, regardless of age, seek companionship that fits their lifestyle and values. It's about finding someone who aligns with your desires and preferences, whether that's sharing quiet evenings at home or going on adventures together.
Keep being true to yourself and open to possibilities—you're not alone in wanting a connection that feels right for you.

Thanks