How do I stop hating myself?

For me I think self-hatred connects to being a violent crime victim. I have met many folks who have been victimized and abused by others. And, for some reason, it turns into self-hate.

For me, I think regular therapy has helped. To get out of that mind frame.

Hi, my name is Aaryan and I’m 18 years old. I do not like who I am as a person. I feel like I’ve let down my family by not being as successful as my peers and not living up to their expectations. I keep making mistakes with my girlfriend, everytime we are doing good I do something to mess it all up, I feel like I don’t deserve her. I hate the person I am right now, I have nothing that I am good at, I’ve let down everyone that I care about, and I can’t stop thinking about how I don’t deserve these people in my life and they’d be better off if i just left. I am a terrible son, brother, and boyfriend. I have no redeeming qualities and at this point I think leaving everything is the solution. I can’t stop listening to my negative thoughts they control my life and I can’t escape it. They are constantly in my head. I am having thoughts about suicide but ik I can’t I don’t want my family or my girlfriend to go through that.

@aaryans, turning your thoughts around takes time and work. And YOU. ARE. WORTH. IT.

I encourage you to read the helpful posts that members shared in this related discussion.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/i-hate-myself
Here are a few first steps that you can take:
1. If you find the thoughts of suicide overwhelming or just want to talk to a real person, text or call 988
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org

2. Learn about CBT (cognitive behaviorial therapy)
CBT really works. It can help reframe the negative thoughts you are having. You can do it with a therapist one-on-one or in a group.

Have you worked with a therapist or talked with a social worker?

I know how you feel. I am no stranger to self-loathing.

As I've written elsewhere, there are no easy answers, but a good place to begin is with some questions. First, I think it's important to get some perspective.

If you're going to compare yourself to others, be fair to yourself: Who is worse off than you? For example, you mention a girlfriend. Aren't there a lot of people who don't have anyone? You say you're not as successful as others, but surely you know you're better off than many. Are you in prison? Under indictment? In bankruptcy court? Addicted to illegal drugs? None of those, I bet.

I'm not being facetious. Many parents cry themselves to sleep every night because their 18-year-old is headed for catastrophe and they can't stop it.

You're obviously bright, sensitive and caring. Do you think there are too many bright, sensitive, caring people in the world? (If you're wondering -- there aren't.)

I could go on, but I'd like to make one important point: Who you are at 18 is no predictor of who you'll become...unless you let it.

I was a pathetic mess at 18. And 19. And 20. And 21. But I turned out okay -- better than okay, to be honest. People, like a lot of other things, bloom at different rates.

A few months ago, someone gave me an orchid plant that they thought was a goner. No growth at all, let alone blooms. With some TLC and patience, it is now blooming on my windowsill. (See attached photo.)

Don't give up on yourself before you've had a chance to grow and bloom.

And just so you know...I had a stroke more than five years ago that permanently disabled me. But I haven't given up on myself. I'm using my experience to reach out and help others, despite the obstacles. (For example, I'm typing this one-handed, a slow and frustrating exercise. I wouldn't do this much work for just anybody.)
Take a look: https://www.youtube.com/@srlucado/videos

Think how much good you can do for others -- if you hang around long enough to do it.

Aryan,

I felt like you, feel like you:actually. Please call 988 and talk, you can talk about anything. Please, you are worth it.

Love too much, Apologize freely, accept love, Look for the good in you, that you look for in others. God bless you. Please make the call 988

I find that "I wouldn't do that to my relatives, especially my adult children" is a good way to turn away from thoughts of suicide. Also, make a plan for what to do when those thoughts are overwhelming. Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org is a good place to start. Stop before you are thinking about ways to hurt yourself. For me, it is almost like turning physically away from negative thoughts. A gratitude journal or telling yourself that is good about the day - the weather, a shopping trip, an outfit you like, a friend, something nice that happens -- That can lift your spirits. A walk or bike ride in good weather. Hobbies, groups, poetry, distractions can help, too.

You are wonderful and valuable to the world. Stop beating yourself up. I hope you do well.