Caring for a Strong-Willed, Controlling Spouse - How do you do it?

@royce Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I’m so glad that you found the site and feel comfortable enough to post your needs. I think there are lots of members here who have been in your shoes and will gladly give you some tips. Again, welcome!
My husband had to become my caretaker when i got an autoimmune disease that impacted my brain. At first, it was hard for both of us, but I’ve come to accept his way.
There are some things that you can do proactively.
1. Have your wife set up the bedroom and living room to make it easier and safer for her to move around,
2. Enlist the aid of her friends to be there when you can’t be,
3. See if you can find a housekeeper for 1-2 months,
4. Will neighbors/friends be agreeable to starting a “meal train”?

This list could go on forever, but I think you get the gist! What are some things your wife enjoys doing (reading, music, art work, etc) that you could plan for in advance?

Thank you, Becky. We have set up a place for her in the bedroom and in the living room. We can improve it by making a medications organizer of some kind. We live kind of isolated in the country and plan on selling and moving closer to my sons family some day. So far my wife mainly gets her news from the internet, watches TV shows (especially detective shows and documentaries), and I will try to find out what more I can set up for her. She does like art and gardening.

@royce Hi! My name is Marian I am a caregiver too, you are doing a great job, it’s not easy, maybe ur church might have some volunteers who can help with meals and stay with her every so often. Maybe have art supplies near her so she may want to do, or a little bonzi tree than she can kind of nurture alittle at a time..it feels good to take care of something, and in difficult days pray, maybe a little walk with ur favorite music and please stay connect to this group, I have found this to be great even tho I don’t know them they have become my heart friends and I am so grateful they are there, I just don’t know how navigate the tech things. But will keep u both in prayer.

Hi @royce .
It sounds like you got a lot on your plate and you're doing a good job. My wife has been a cancer survivor since 2018. (Brain tumor in 2013, then multiple myeloma 2017). It was quite a struggle for me and my daughter during the time of the brain tumor. Surgery, ICU, rehab etc. Then the trip to City Of Hope for two months in 2017 for her stem cell and chemo. My sister flew in from Texas to stay here a month at the house with my daughter who was still in high school. Then my sister in law drove down from Monterey Ca. to stay another month when my sister flew home.

The cancer tx's left their mark. (radiation, chemo). Iv'e had to be extra eyes and ears for her. She has cognitive delay and spatial awareness deficit. She broke her rt arm recently and the amount of extra work I have to do has been overwhelming @ times. She's also very particular about how she wants things done in the house. I feel like I'm still in orientation. She's finding new things for me to do. Our calendar looks like a bingo card with only a couple of empty spots. PT and Doctor appointments etc. It's nonstop. And yes , I get chewed out a little bit here and there. For the most part I've been able to embrace the changes/responsibilities. Her frustration with the loss of control is something I try to pay attention to. I like to surprise her with unexpected hugs and kisses. They go a long way. Making her laugh is also therapeutic for both of us. Preparing her favorites to eat is a big deal as well. Hang in there Royce. And don't forget to bring her flowers.
In His Grace
Ernie

It sounds like your doing a great job adjusting. I'm sure it's hard for your wife having so much control and now she has very little. This control should be thought as independence. How can you help her feel independent and in control in the space and situation she has?

Can you ask her to write you a detailed To Do List? She can detail it, and also help with your loss in communication due to your hearing. This may also help you prioritize your schedule to let others help or just help you from feeling overwhelmed. Having a friend come visit will also give her autonomy.

It's OKAY to tell her Thank you! You have done so much and it's ALOT. It's my turn to help, but understand it's not going to be perfect.

I'm a caregiver to my spouse going from heart failure to transplant recipient. The double work load is hard. Give yourself grace. Plan some fun activities: movie and popcorn, game night. Keep the situation as light as possible.

The surgery went well last Ftriday and my wife is recovering well. She may be ready to come home tomorrow. I have visited every day, walked with her, and brought her things like bottled water and clothes. When she comes home, we have discussed how to set her up and keep the cat away. I will do everything to keep house and care for her as she wishes. We will await new about what kind of cancer we're dealing with. The Dr. said that he thinks it is the a common treatable ovarian cancer. So we await for information on return appointments to remove staples and receive chemo treatments. My daughter and son helped by notifying family and providing flowers. My wife smells the flowers every time she gets up.

We're at home now with a follow up appointment on May 9th. My wife is on blood thinners now, so we are watching her steps and she is taking it easy. She navigates me through how she wants her breakfast, how she wants the clothes washed, and all those kind of things. I will go shopping later to make sure we are stocked up on the foods she wants.

Your situation sounds challenging. I can empathize because I have been the support for my spouse through joint replacements, cancer and traumatic falls.
I am thankful for what we have, but do need my own time to recuperate from being the caregiver. That time can be difficult to find sometimes, but I do keep looking for my own time. I do this for my spouse, adult children and grandchildren so I can maintain my roll in their lives.
The world needs more people like you!
Best wishes to you!

So happy your home. I hope all is going well!

It was pretty tough the first three days after the first round of chemotherapy. We went twice to the ER. Once for shortness of breath and next for constipation. That's all sorted out now and she takes Mirolax every day at noon. She has steadily improved. The next chemo session is Tuesday and a new chemical will make the session last 5 1/2 hours. The day before I get a squamous cell carcinoma removed from my right wrist, but that is routine for me and won't affect my driving. We're soldiering on with life.