Preparing to Age in Place

@edsutton - EXCELLENT point about trying to perfectly control in anticipation of a future, more limited life, and risking missing out on appreciating today's quality of life.

It (this last third of life) IS a journey.

It almost seems like that image I've shared in another post...of the quiet stream, becoming a babbling brook, then growing into a vibrant flowing river, and, sooner than expected - if it was even expected to this degree - the approaching, unavoidable "edge" of unseen (Niagra!) falls dropping into the bottomless maelstrom below.

Not to sound dramatic, but that ceaseless "pull" along this sequence kind of feels inevitable to me, unavoidable, yet ... the "edge" isn't here ... yet!

Brandysparks wrote: "But I do wonder if you could elaborate on one thing I find hard to escape - I have a pared-down (but still comprehensive!) collection of lifetime memorabilia, school notebooks, souvenirs, accomplishments, etc. that I think may fall into some of the kinds of collections you are paring down now.
I feel like 'once these things / items / evidence of a life (mine!)' are gone, they ARE GONE.
Somehow I greatly fear I will not give myself credit for them unless I can see them."

Brandy, our friends give us credit for being who we are, with little concern for our resumes. How I wish we could do the same!

You have expressed our attachments very well, and I believe everyone can relate similar feelings. As I think of the homes I know fairly well, it seems we each find our ways of living with our memorabilia, and that often the course of our lives has something to say. In some homes the memorabilia really communicate joy and love. In others, they just seem to pile up.

As an extreme, a friend of mine wound up owning two houses, each filled to the brim with memorabilia, mostly of the first 25 years of her life. Ever notice how formal family photos are often made in multiples? And her family loved those visits to the photographer's studio! When her health forced her to move to a retirement community, she had to hire someone to help her pare down her possessions. It seems to me that this has given her ten years of renewed energy.

My life experience has been somewhat atypical. A career change, a house robbery and a late marriage helped me edit my "collection" along the way, and my family took lousy photos when they took any. On my parents death their home and possessions went to a disabled nephew and I took a few carefully selected things which we use daily, with love.
My office files were filled with materials relating to a career from which I have retired. Recent technologies have made my articles largely obsolete...easy to throw away!
My mother did extensive genealogical research, and I have her family charts. When I want to reminisce I time travel through generations with her.
I still have two bank boxes of memory things, mostly letters and personal writing. Whenever I visit them I find a few things to toss or give away.

Brandy, I do know your concern. A few days ago I finally tossed my college transcripts and my hope of one day going to graduate school. The teachers who really shaped my life are still with me every day...and many of them were not college professors!
When I find myself caught in the "what if, what if?" worry, I put my feet flat on the ground and look out the window, taking a moment to remember that if everything was lost, the world and I will still be here.

We decided to age in place, but first change the place. We left a beautiful home which required a lot of maintenance and had upstairs bedrooms.

We moved to a different state, and into an Independent living apartment. We downsized and now have a wonderful apartment with beautiful views, in a place that has everything we need as we age “in place”.

So, “ age in place” can be done with some forethought, to insurance the years to come are also taken care of. We still have our walks, and I have my gardening, and when something goes wrong in the home, we don’t have to do anything but let the front desk know, and it is taken care of for us.

I too could so identify with what you are going through! My husband passed away last July, and I - sometimes had to and sometimes wanted to - get rid of his obsessions. I felt I gave his life away! It’s hard!
One lesson I’m learning, knowing downsizing is necessary: I’ll keep what I really treasure, give away items I know family members appreciate, then donate, and trash. Have to close my eyes and grit my teeth sometimes.
Bet a lot of us going through the same very difficult situation.
Let’s hang in there!

Good morning! Thinking about clearing out all of our treasures can be both emotional and daunting. But, last summer my husband and I had a HUGE garage sale. As we sorted through each room, we would ask our children what they might want, if anything, and then proceeded to put price tags on the remaining items. We were surprised at how little our children actually wanted. What we saw as treasures they saw as clutter. We understood. They’re making their own memories! We did pass along baby photo albums to them, but then I pared down the remaining photos to one small box. We sold so much it was crazy and cathartic. What we didn’t sell, we donated. Of course, we kept things that just had too many feelings attached to them, but they were few and far between. It wasn’t as emotional as I feared and we made some extra money. We hope our treasures will allow other families to start making their own memories. Going room to room, closet to closet, cabinet to cabinet worked for us. Our goal was to make it as easy as possible for our children when we ultimately pass. Trust me, we still have “stuff”, but nothing like we had pre garage sale. I wish you well on your paring down journey.

More thoughts…
My previous husband died having Alzheimer's.
The one thing that was pleasurable, especially when times were hard, for him and for me, was looking at a photo album of our volunteer work. He felt so good about it! It made him happy.
I will keep that album forever.
Another thing, every day I look at memory pictures of my last husband and our activities.
Positive memories indeed become a treasure. They keep me smiling.
I think I went off topic. Grieving. Talking helps me, I hope it may help someone else too.

Ah yes, memories - and the photos to trigger them, are one of the few things not on my list to "pare down" but we are working to copy many of them to our digital picture frame that runs a continuous slide show. Our grandsons love looking at old pictures, seeing Mom, Auntie and us as our younger selves and learning about places we have been and things we have done.
After 3 rounds of "decluttering" I am to the point that almost nothing is hidden in cubbies or closets - it is organized on accessible shelves, and there are even a few open spaces.
Sue

@edsutton thanks for picking up on my joy. My joy comes from the Lord! He is holding my hand and leading me through this situation.

I do have a Social Worker. She has given me both some great resources, and a kind voice.

At the suggestion of my neurologist, I am labeling the backs of old photos for the younger generations. My family is not big and I’m about the only one who knows who is the pictures.

I have a 1000 piece puzzle in process on the table, and I like to paint. My family tree on Ancestry still keeps me busy. I hope to continue these activities for a long time.

Enjoy your day!

These are wonderful experiences, thoughts and feelings we are sharing.

I'm seeing there is a relation between down-sizing, decluttering and grieving.

As long as we are here, we will need to continue our journeys through life, and we all struggle at times to discern between what really helps us and what is just excess baggage.

It's not easy! Some of those memories, even the sad ones, give our lives richness, and we need to find ways to treasure them.

I'll be starting my memory book, a large ring binder to hold photos and memory documents and papers. I look forward to organizing my memories, and expect I can reduce at least one box to one large notebook.

I'd like no share a little story:
Many years ago my father gave me a coat.
He said "I don't want you to be cold."
For my father, this was a very tender thing to say, and I secretly loved that coat, thinking of him when I put it on.
My father died and eventually the coat wore out beyond repair.
I bought a coat that looked similar and began to call it "The new coat my father gave me."
That coat finally wore out, and I now have a new "surrogate" coat from my father.
Sometimes when I put it on, I think "This is how my father hugged me."
So, I let the worn out coat go, but I'm keeping the love.

Consider the culture we are in and of. We are taught throughout our lives that things give meaning to our lives and without things we do not exist, measure up. I have felt much freer to find out who I am without all of these attachments to pieces of paper, photographs, etc. I know who and what I am without. I am a bit of dust soon to return to the great cosmos.