Time for Memory Care

@trishaanderson We are all here to hold your hand, offer a tissue and a hug. You and your daughter have done a lot of hard work caring for him and giving him the best possible life - for a very long time.
Now it is time to bring somewhere that can deal with the very real 24/7 disrupted sleep and wake cycles of advancing dementia, and the additional physical labor that will be required as he progresses.

That gives you the opportunity to visit as often as you wish, monitor his care, and restore your own health and energy. I have walked this road with loved ones, though not with a spouse, and know how exhausted you must be.

My daughter was a memory care nurse for a number of years, and I still remember the compassion she and her staff had for "their" people. I remember them making sure one resident had her beloved doll to cradle, another man had his decks of cards to shuffle (though he could no longer play even simple games), each person got their desired beverage, in their own cup at meals and snacks, and others had their favorite quilts or spots at the table.

Sending you a virtual hug - please come back and let us know how he and you are adjusting.
Sue

@trishaanderson. I realize that this is a difficult and overwhelming time for you and your daughter. I think you might want to read and/or participate in this discussion about placing a loved one in a facility.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/placing-a-loved-one-in-a-facility/
This is also an article my sister sent me that has many positive points about nursing homes. My sister ‘gifted’ the article to me so I hope it’s still available.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/03/health/dementia-spouses-nursing-homes.html
I’m sending you many hugs as you continue your journey.

My heart is hurting with you and wishing you very large hugs to ease your pain! You are a very loving wife and deserve to know you are doing the very best for someone who means the world to you. Treat yourself well and rest in knowing he really is going to be safe as you have promised he will be. Come out from the heavy rug you have been living under and do some girly things of pleasure like have your nails done. We are all with you and wish you kindness and love!

@trishaanderson I'm making the same decision right now with my husband who has dementia caused from alzheimers. He's almost non verbal, in as, alot of what he says doesn't make sense, and/or he can't get his thoughts or words out so then it becomes a mumbled mess. So I just nod and agree with him and he's totally ok with MY responses. He also talks about wanting me to leave or he wants to leave, especially when he doesn't like what i have to say. He's wandered off twice and the I think the second time REALLY scared him because he hasn't done it again. When he "threatens' to leave I always ask him where he's going? And then I have to tell him that it's cold and nasty outside and "I" don't wanna go outside and I don't think you should either and then he's okay with it and "comes back" to me. I don't feel in danger of my safety and I don't want to experience it either so I know my decision to place him in a memory care facility(with the support of my bff) is the best thing for both of us. I wish you and your daughter all the best.

Does anyone have experience with dropping the love of your life off at memory care?
What do you tell them? How do you tell them they are staying in this unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people? But I'm leaving and going home without him.
My heart is breaking, and I don't know if I can go through with it.

My son and I had a recent experience with my wife and it was very difficult for all of us. As it turns out,my wife was not ready for memory care so the stay only lasted 12 days. We had expected her to settle in but she devolved each day. We told her it was for her own safety but that did not help. I know each person and facility is different so I wish you the best. Your husband sounds well beyond where my wife is on the timeline.

Thank you for your response.
What do you mean by she devolved each day?
Trisha

She was refusing her medication and skipping meals and becoming more and more delirious each day. The staff admitted that she really need 1 on 1 care in the mornings to get showered and dressed. If left to herself, i would fine her with 2 pair of socks a 3 pair of underwear on when i came to visit. She also developed diarrhea so it became clear she would be better off at home with home health care assistance.

Such a difficult decision- but it sounds like you know it’s time. You’ve done an amazing job of caring for him during his journey and making it the best for him! Now the best thing is a professional care facility, and I hear that many times you can enjoy your time with him more when you visit him there, without the incredible stress of being 24/7 at home. Big hug to you and your daughter.

I do not yet have that experience, it sounds like it really feels painful, and I’m so sorry for your hurt. You can visit and maybe he will be happy, that’s possible! Sending positive vibes for a good transition for both of you.