1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Dementia: When the other parent (spouse) isn't helpful

Posted by buggirl55 @buggirl55, May 11, 2023

I find my dad isn't helping much with my mom's care at this point. I am staying there 5-6 days a week and caring for her and finding I am caring for him as well. I understand he is 86 and very overwhelmed and checked out at this point but I work full time, with a husband and 2 dogs that I hardly ever see now. I left to go to work today and told him to give her some meds prior to the care giver showing up. he didn't do that. so now she is taking those meds later than I wanted her to and closer to the time of the rest of her meds being given to her. Not ideal. I cannot be there 24/7 though at this point and not sure what else I can do. He does do laundry, clean dishes, but when she is calling for him, he ignores her, watches tv and doesn't have his hearing aides in on purpose. He does help me in changing her as I cannot do it on my own but I need him to be engaged with her. He wouldn't put her into a facility and said thisis working well while I am getting 2 hours of sleep a night for 3-5 days at a time. I am exhausted and want to be home more. I do get 1-2 days/nights a week when my sister or nephew can come over. My nephew though can't change her, doesn't know how to give her meds, etc. my sister is fantastic. How do you handle the parent when they are not responding to their spouse? I feel like half the time I am trying to care for 2 parents now and it is overwhelming to me.

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deb6858mom | @deb6858mom | Mar 25 8:09pm
In reply to @becsbuddy "@deb6858mom Wow, you’ve got a lot on your hands! Your mom’s 92 yr old partner may..." + (show)
@becsbuddy

@deb6858mom Wow, you’ve got a lot on your hands! Your mom’s 92 yr old partner may be just as confused and upset by all that is happening around him. Making such a phone call is probably beyond him. I made a call to 911 several weeks ago and it was nerve wracking! They talk to fast and ask lots of questions and i could barely hear them. And I’m not 92!
Have you given any thought to having your mom in a memory care unit? Maybe the partner’s family could work with you so they could both go to a safe place. Is that somethng you could think about?

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Well, after talking to the doctor and the neurologist, they seem to think this is a mimic dementia caused from the UTI she had in February and now from her not taking Thyroid medication (she had her thyroid removed when she had thyroid cancer). I was able to get all her thyroid medication set up along with her blood pressure, meds, and anxiety meds. So the neurologist has asked us to wait six more weeks to get retested waiting for the thyroid meds to get in her system to see if it helps. And so far within just a few days, she was already doing better… She has a while to go, but I see an improvement already. Her Home Health Care team has really helped out and she has three more weeks of that and hopefully will get recertified. If not, then I will have hospice care coming in to help her.

REPLY
bayviewgal | @bayviewgal | Mar 27 10:03pm

@buggirl55 I understand your dad's pain in the sense that his situation (and yours) is very overwhelming and thinking that he can handle it. My 63 year old husband was diagnosed 3 years ago with dementia caused by alzheimers. I have been his only caregiver with little to no outside support from family and friends and it has been very frustrating, but i keep hanging in there and do the best that I can, although I will admit that I have gone thru the denial phase of this as well, and the frustrations and impatience and everything else that goes along with it...not to mention the same little amount of sleep as you get. Not only does he have dementia and alzheimers, he also has aphasia so it's hard to communicate effectively about almost everything. This disease has progressed alot faster that I thought it would and I too am grieving the loss of my husband. My best friend of 25 years who has been the one and only real help for me convinced me it was time to get professional help. As hard as it was to hear that, I knew she was right. But because I couldn't imagine someone else taking care of him like I do, or better, I kept putting off making those phone calls, let alone of where to begin. Soooo she started the process for me and i've gotten great information, qualified for placement services and am feeling better about it now. I'm looking into placing him in memory care facility which is where he needs to be. I'm still in the process of getting things finalized up but like my social worker told me.... " you don't want to burn out. Let someone else be his caregiver and that will give you the "best" part of your husband that you can enjoy when you do see him" And those were my thoughts exactly.
I know the situation with your parents is a hard one and i wish you all the strength from above to help you with this journey.

REPLY
1 reply
deb6858mom | @deb6858mom | Mar 31 8:22am
In reply to @becsbuddy "@deb6858mom Wow, you’ve got a lot on your hands! Your mom’s 92 yr old partner may..." + (show)
@becsbuddy

@deb6858mom Wow, you’ve got a lot on your hands! Your mom’s 92 yr old partner may be just as confused and upset by all that is happening around him. Making such a phone call is probably beyond him. I made a call to 911 several weeks ago and it was nerve wracking! They talk to fast and ask lots of questions and i could barely hear them. And I’m not 92!
Have you given any thought to having your mom in a memory care unit? Maybe the partner’s family could work with you so they could both go to a safe place. Is that somethng you could think about?

Jump to this post

She actually is doing better… After taking her to the neurologist, and after getting her back on her lifetime needed thyroid meds that she had not been taking and after getting her UTI cleared up she is starting to do better with her memory. She has a ways to go, but we will be going back to the Neurologist at the beginning of May and see how she’s doing compared to her first visit. The Neurologist felt that most likely from her not taking her thyroid medication and just getting healed up from the UTI that possibly this is a mimic dementia. If she is still having memory issues, but is doing better he will give her something to tweak her memory and help clear up the brain fog; and if this is dementia the prescribed memory med will slow down the process. Home Health Care has been a blessing and hopefully they will recertify her next week and if not, then I will be getting hospice care requested for three times a week until she is able to take care of herself better. And yes, I have had to ambulance a few times and it is very nerve-wrecking… If I had not called an ambulance twice now, she may not be here today.

REPLY
1 reply
gregd1956 | @gregd1956 | Apr 1 11:11am

My mom was with my brother. 24x7, but he called the right way the company took my mom at her house that did a few things3xday. Thankfully my brother (in the 70s) took care of her. Sure, he was mad for taking care of his mom, but he took care of cleaning, feeding her.. my mom died when she was 86 yo, 3-4 years ago

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Apr 1 4:36pm
In reply to @deb6858mom "She actually is doing better… After taking her to the neurologist, and after getting her back..." + (show)
@deb6858mom

She actually is doing better… After taking her to the neurologist, and after getting her back on her lifetime needed thyroid meds that she had not been taking and after getting her UTI cleared up she is starting to do better with her memory. She has a ways to go, but we will be going back to the Neurologist at the beginning of May and see how she’s doing compared to her first visit. The Neurologist felt that most likely from her not taking her thyroid medication and just getting healed up from the UTI that possibly this is a mimic dementia. If she is still having memory issues, but is doing better he will give her something to tweak her memory and help clear up the brain fog; and if this is dementia the prescribed memory med will slow down the process. Home Health Care has been a blessing and hopefully they will recertify her next week and if not, then I will be getting hospice care requested for three times a week until she is able to take care of herself better. And yes, I have had to ambulance a few times and it is very nerve-wrecking… If I had not called an ambulance twice now, she may not be here today.

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@deb6858mom Your mom is lucky to have you!

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logeo21 | @logeo21 | Apr 2 2:33pm

I’m experiencing the same situation with my parents at the moment! A google search brought me to your post. I noticed it is a year old. @buggirl55 may I ask what your solution was?

My Dad is 83 and very OCD and schedule driven so nothing can interrupt that routine in his mind- he completely ignores the medical staff that comes in and if someone is here he leaves. He is the sole caregiver at night, but I’m only 10 min away if help is needed. I’m concerned he doesn’t understand the magnitude of care she needs. She has Parkinson’s dementia so she is at the point of needing 24/7 care. I don’t think he can provide the care she needs and like you I work a demanding full-time job. We do have morning care givers plus hospice- but I’m the fill-in when someone doesn’t show up and also cover afternoon shifts and evenings. I’m also the person who communicates with the care team because my Dad says call my daughter. I’m fortunate to telework if needed or leave early for afternoon shifts but currently can’t manage that as my Dad sees me and leaves or does his chores which leaves me exhausted and trying to cram work in when I get home. Something has to change!

REPLY
1 reply
Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Apr 2 8:54pm
In reply to @logeo21 "I’m experiencing the same situation with my parents at the moment! A google search brought me..." + (show)
@logeo21

I’m experiencing the same situation with my parents at the moment! A google search brought me to your post. I noticed it is a year old. @buggirl55 may I ask what your solution was?

My Dad is 83 and very OCD and schedule driven so nothing can interrupt that routine in his mind- he completely ignores the medical staff that comes in and if someone is here he leaves. He is the sole caregiver at night, but I’m only 10 min away if help is needed. I’m concerned he doesn’t understand the magnitude of care she needs. She has Parkinson’s dementia so she is at the point of needing 24/7 care. I don’t think he can provide the care she needs and like you I work a demanding full-time job. We do have morning care givers plus hospice- but I’m the fill-in when someone doesn’t show up and also cover afternoon shifts and evenings. I’m also the person who communicates with the care team because my Dad says call my daughter. I’m fortunate to telework if needed or leave early for afternoon shifts but currently can’t manage that as my Dad sees me and leaves or does his chores which leaves me exhausted and trying to cram work in when I get home. Something has to change!

Jump to this post

@logeo21 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! This is the perfect place to find answers and support.
I’m really sorry that you are in this predicament. Do you have siblings who can help? I don’t see how you can keep up with your work and caring for your mom. Maybe now is the time for your mom to be in a nursing home or memory care unit. I know it sounds awful but….
I’m sure that @buggirl55 will see your message to her and respond. There are more discussions on this very topic so you may see other options.
What is one thing you would like to see happen for your parents?

REPLY
andipandi1223 | @andipandi1223 | Apr 3 8:25am
In reply to @bayviewgal "@buggirl55 I understand your dad's pain in the sense that his situation (and yours) is very..." + (show)
@bayviewgal

@buggirl55 I understand your dad's pain in the sense that his situation (and yours) is very overwhelming and thinking that he can handle it. My 63 year old husband was diagnosed 3 years ago with dementia caused by alzheimers. I have been his only caregiver with little to no outside support from family and friends and it has been very frustrating, but i keep hanging in there and do the best that I can, although I will admit that I have gone thru the denial phase of this as well, and the frustrations and impatience and everything else that goes along with it...not to mention the same little amount of sleep as you get. Not only does he have dementia and alzheimers, he also has aphasia so it's hard to communicate effectively about almost everything. This disease has progressed alot faster that I thought it would and I too am grieving the loss of my husband. My best friend of 25 years who has been the one and only real help for me convinced me it was time to get professional help. As hard as it was to hear that, I knew she was right. But because I couldn't imagine someone else taking care of him like I do, or better, I kept putting off making those phone calls, let alone of where to begin. Soooo she started the process for me and i've gotten great information, qualified for placement services and am feeling better about it now. I'm looking into placing him in memory care facility which is where he needs to be. I'm still in the process of getting things finalized up but like my social worker told me.... " you don't want to burn out. Let someone else be his caregiver and that will give you the "best" part of your husband that you can enjoy when you do see him" And those were my thoughts exactly.
I know the situation with your parents is a hard one and i wish you all the strength from above to help you with this journey.

Jump to this post

I, also having been going through the same scenario with my husband who is 72 years old. As hard as it’s been I finally have someone that comes in and cares for him at night which allows me to sleep and then I have a daycare lady that comes in a half a day. It has been unbelievable how much more calm I am. Family and friends come by to visit but they have their lives with work and their children. I’ll pray for you.

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