Problem Taking Showers

Taking showers is just one thing that I find difficult, but I think it’s because I really don’t care much about anything. Don’t get me wrong, I take them but, just like everything else, I have to force myself. I used to read one or two books every week from the time I learned to read. I’ve been reading the same book for about six months now. I just can’t seem to do it and it’s one of my favorite authors. e I’ve suffered from depression for over 40 years without ever having a break. I take 2 antidepressants. Really I just wanted to recommend bathing shoes if you’re afraid you might fall. After 2 falls I started to wear them and I feel much more secure.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.
Before I go into other therapies that I’ve tried or have been recommended for treatment resistant depression I need to preface that for 30+ years I was with the same psychiatrist and therapist who I trusted therefor able to be a ”Guinea pig”for every medication that came out starting with the 1st roll out of Prozac.
Therapist retired, psychiatrist got PTSD in 2017 when a natural disaster hit So. CA. rendered our city immobile, parts wiped out and washed away and several friends died. Then I lost my primary 2 months later.
No choice but to see Medi-cal providers I was shuffled through 15 or more, most of whom I saw 1 week to 3 months max. Wrong meds, wrong diagnosis, turn over so high, psychiatrists became medication managers with 10 minute sessions, knew nothing about my personal life, opioid epidemic severely impacted meds, therapeutic doseage, psychs and therapists wouldn’t collaborate with each other, some didn’t respect or approve what the other one was doing. I gave up. So for 8 years I’ve just done what I was told. Lots of abandonment with turn over leaving me cold turkey (not fun) followed by over or under prescribing, etc. Nightmare!
So trust, safety, and competence is HUGE issue I never had to deal with before.
I wanted EMDR, saw 4 providers one gave me unknowingly some kind of bio neuro feedback brain stimulation something like that without doing protocol brain mapping.
One out of pocket sucked $$ out of me for weeks insisting I begin with my trauma in the womb, another out of pocket promised EMDR but said I needed to be more stable before trying EMDR. I quit after 15 months still in “stabilization”. That’s the 1st time I ever quit a provider.
Long history, sorry.
My newest psychiatrist (3 sessions via telemedicine wants to put be me back on MAOI’s. I didn’t tolerate it 20 years ago bc I’ve always had slightly lower blood pressure was fainting right and left till I looked like a battered wife. He’s also suggesting TMS, Ketamine, MDNA, mushroom therapies which kind of terrifies me never having done recreational drugs in my life except marijuana in high school under peer pressure which I never liked.
I need a break to regroup and be able to secure my regular meds on a regular basis. 2 out of 3 times with new psych I’ve been left w/out timely refills. Cold turkey Alprazolam is deadly. I’ve been on that for 45 years unfortunately unaware of the dangers at the beginning so whatever damage to my brain cells is done. Years ago I self weaned to a quarter of the dose I was given so at 65 years old I’m not giving it up until I get competent help and won’t need it anymore.
Not subscribing to “cart before the horse” concept.
Last 8 years added a whole new trauma to deal with!
Thanks for listening, I hope you understand my trepidation for right now. Am not giving up but can’t imagine I’m unscathed by what I’ve been through not to mention what it’s done to my brain chemistry and neuro plasticity.
PS. I did voluntarily ask for ECT in 2015, something I could have never ever considered! My psychiatrist was trying to get me into UCLA but I had to get off Alprazolam for that. Weaned 10 months before I got a letter saying my Medi-cal wouldn’t cover it.
I’m glad I didn’t end up doing that.
@andytheman

Hi @nscappa
I just wrote a big reply but phone battery died and lost it all. Adressing financial problems, I definitely deal with that big time. Wish I hadn’t lost my entire response but I read someone suggested therapy and I highly recommend it (despite my miserable experiences). Try to find a good one that does a sliding scale for your income, sometimes it’s as low as $10-20.
SSI is my only income $1,100.
living in CA. with the highest inflation, food, rent, gas in the country. Have a car but can’t drive it, can’t afford registration, it’s almost 2 years without current registration, not to mention other basic necessities. Are you getting any financial aid; SSI, food stamps, section 8 housing, medi-cal health insurance etc.
I apologize for such an intrusive question. Not meant to be answered it’s just a possible (untenable) solution?

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.
Before I go into other therapies that I’ve tried or have been recommended for treatment resistant depression I need to preface that for 30+ years I was with the same psychiatrist and therapist who I trusted therefor able to be a ”Guinea pig”for every medication that came out starting with the 1st roll out of Prozac.
Therapist retired, psychiatrist got PTSD in 2017 when a natural disaster hit So. CA. rendered our city immobile, parts wiped out and washed away and several friends died. Then I lost my primary 2 months later.
No choice but to see Medi-cal providers I was shuffled through 15 or more, most of whom I saw 1 week to 3 months max. Wrong meds, wrong diagnosis, turn over so high, psychiatrists became medication managers with 10 minute sessions, knew nothing about my personal life, opioid epidemic severely impacted meds, therapeutic doseage, psychs and therapists wouldn’t collaborate with each other, some didn’t respect or approve what the other one was doing. I gave up. So for 8 years I’ve just done what I was told. Lots of abandonment with turn over leaving me cold turkey (not fun) followed by over or under prescribing, etc. Nightmare!
So trust, safety, and competence is HUGE issue I never had to deal with before.
I wanted EMDR, saw 4 providers one gave me unknowingly some kind of bio neuro feedback brain stimulation something like that without doing protocol brain mapping.
One out of pocket sucked $$ out of me for weeks insisting I begin with my trauma in the womb, another out of pocket promised EMDR but said I needed to be more stable before trying EMDR. I quit after 15 months still in “stabilization”. That’s the 1st time I ever quit a provider.
Long history, sorry.
My newest psychiatrist (3 sessions via telemedicine wants to put be me back on MAOI’s. I didn’t tolerate it 20 years ago bc I’ve always had slightly lower blood pressure was fainting right and left till I looked like a battered wife. He’s also suggesting TMS, Ketamine, MDNA, mushroom therapies which kind of terrifies me never having done recreational drugs in my life except marijuana in high school under peer pressure which I never liked.
I need a break to regroup and be able to secure my regular meds on a regular basis. 2 out of 3 times with new psych I’ve been left w/out timely refills. Cold turkey Alprazolam is deadly. I’ve been on that for 45 years unfortunately unaware of the dangers at the beginning so whatever damage to my brain cells is done. Years ago I self weaned to a quarter of the dose I was given so at 65 years old I’m not giving it up until I get competent help and won’t need it anymore.
Not subscribing to “cart before the horse” concept.
Last 8 years added a whole new trauma to deal with!
Thanks for listening, I hope you understand my trepidation for right now. Am not giving up but can’t imagine I’m unscathed by what I’ve been through not to mention what it’s done to my brain chemistry and neuro plasticity.
PS. I did voluntarily ask for ECT in 2015, something I could have never ever considered! My psychiatrist was trying to get me into UCLA but I had to get off Alprazolam for that. Weaned 10 months before I got a letter saying my Medi-cal wouldn’t cover it.
I’m glad I didn’t end up doing that.
@andytheman

I've been through the same thing, after years of feeling worse leaving my appts I gave up on mental health too. My daughter is dead, I went through her texts and medical papers, it's unbelievable the immaturity, lack of competency, unprofessionalism of the people who were supposed to help her. The mental health system in this country is dangerous!

No intrusion here. I did get food stamps but now I don't get any, they went as high (for me) $22.00 and I was getting $23.00, so $1.00 really doesn't get much. : ) Wow, you only get $1,100 a month? I get $1717.00 a month. I have worked for about 45 years so that's why I get what I do. Actually, if I hadn't started collecting at 62 I would have gotten more. As far as talk therapy, my nurse practitioner has recommended it but I haven't gotten to it yet. I need to find one who is in my network. I really wonder what I would talk about at 76 years of age. Mostly the past I would assume. It's amazing how your young years can affect you at this age but it does. I'm rambling. BTW, I lost my car (it died) over two years ago and I knew I was in trouble because my friend also lost her car due to an accident. I'm a bit isolated where I live so that's another problem. (Hope I didn't mention that in my other comments.) Well, do take care of yourself. Nancy

Thank you for your supportive response. I am not in an isolated area, in fact I live in one of most beautiful places in the world, Santa Barbara, CA. but I am isolated primarily due to finances, same thing with my car, I have one, can't drive it when didn't pass smog and so it's been sitting there for a year and half. Losing everything I had worked for, limited ablity to participate socially (how many free walks on the beach can one maintain friendships with for 15 years), a meal out, having friends over for dinner , travel even for a weekend all too prohibitive and then not wanting to burden friends with any of this. I was not allowed to work on SSI, and have tried finding something to substitute the $359. p/mo of SSI income so I can get off of it. I've lost all confidence in myself and it shows during interviews. I used to very creative and had an entreprenual spirit in my approach to life. After years of socialization decline, isolation, and SSI "conditioning" the harder it is to just to leave the house just go to the grocery store. I'm still looking for therapy despite a gazzilion horrific experiences, but am very careful with who and what treatments involving my brain health I attempt.

I agree, our whole healthcare system including mental health is driven by incompetency, big Pharma, lobby, State and Federal agencies, Congress etc. I used to trust my Dr.'s but no more which makes it hard to want to schedule even basic annual primary care check ups let alone therapists, physiologists, psychiatrists.
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, my heart go out to you.

I agree, our whole healthcare system including mental health is driven by incompetency, big Pharma, lobby, State and Federal agencies, Congress etc. I used to trust my Dr.'s but no more which makes it hard to want to schedule even basic annual primary care check ups let alone therapists, physiologists, psychiatrists.
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, my heart go out to you.

I'm not sure about your comment about my daughter. I don't have a daughter but my sister did die in 2015. Maybe this post was meant for another member.