Problems with adult children being extremely critical

I always thought that I was a very good mother. I gave everything I had to raise them the best I could. I dedicated all my life to them. I thought that they were happy, until they got married and started getting older. The criticism is depressing. After covid and political differences everything became worst. I think that they also have unsolved issues and they seem to blame me for everything. One of my closest daughters have become very angry and changed after she lost a baby ten years ago. She never got therapy for her loss. My other daughter is very sweet, but is constantly criticizing me about everything too. It's exhausting. Is about what I eat, everything I say or do. I really never expected to find myself here.

I have a son who's learning disabled and dyslexic. He got a virus called Kawasaki. It damaged his heart and I have to take care of him. My husband was diagnosed with dementia and after 13 years they took away the diagnostic. He is pretty absent and doesn't get involved with any issues. He was passive, but now with medications is worth. So, I'm left with listening to the complains and dealing with two sick people that live with me. I also have Lupus, Sjogren's, and Raynaud. I think that they don't want to be left with taking care of any of us. One of my sons had an issue and we discussed it openly and he changed his attitude towards me. While they were growing up I thought that I always gave them the opportunity to express themselves. They resent that my son is always with me. He doesn't have a family and lives with us. It's a very difficult situation. I don't have money to go to a therapist every month, since my dentist is charging me a lot of money to fix only a side of my mouth. I guess that it is what it is, unfortunately.

I’ll try to keep it short. Husband & I married ages 45 & 48; no children. Adopted a 6 yr old boy from Russia. Lots of problems ( mother was alcoholic etc). He left school at 18 , moved to another state as he had met a 16 yr old online & told her parents we were horrible etc. They let him stay as long as he attended school, he did graduate & then they told him to leave ( found out what he was really like ). After a few years of more problems he was in & out of our house, jail ( minor stuff). Married during Covid, wife’s idea to get pregnant one month later. Now not living together but have a child custody agreement (not legally separated or divorced ). Wife will not let us see granddaughter now 2-1/2. She doesn’t know us at all. Our son works at a good job, but financially strained due to child support etc. Tells us he contemplated suicide, very seldom tells us anything ( lives 70 miles away, doesn’t drive). He did tell me he has seen a doctor us on anti depressant & adhd med. Does it ever end?

I’m in a similar situation. My three daughters are not talking to me . My Son is very supportive and I talk with him at least once a week.
I’m depressed and sad. I’m in a lot of pain every day. My life has taken this turn where as I can barely walk with a walker. I’m 70 and feel 90. Last November I was struck with RA and I have had Crohns for 25 years. My life feels over.

When they are little they step on your toes; when they are grown they step on your heart!

What a heartbreaking problem to face. I have found peace by remembering the times was not a "perfect parent" and forgiving myself - I did the best I could. During therapy, I also apologized to my daughter for not recognizing her side. Eventually (without pressure ) they seem to migrate back.
Sue

Thank you. Our children seem to think there is some book that we had and did not purposely follow. Many of us either repeated our parents or were raising them by the seat of our pants while we too were trying to mature. My daughter and I are estrangled. She disowned me many years ago in her teenage years. Yet, due to my driving her back and forth from the South to the North when she was younger, she learned the boundaries of NYC did not have to restrict her and as a result, she has gone farther than I could imagine. She has traveled to the Caribbean, Paris, and now lives in Nevada having been a traveling nurse and not afraid to go where they send her. She became a traveling nurse and now a baby nurse, RN which the background she selected to return to would not have had her striving to become someone of that profession. Ultimately, we are in my opinion tasked with the responsibility of raising our children to be independent, viable citizens of society. We hope they won't go out into the world and without having taught them how to learn from their decisions boomerang back to us for us to support them as adults. Although far from a perfect parent, the excuses that won't be shared here are very much part of why she is independent, a viable citizen, and contributing to society. Everything else and whether she eventually forgives me for what I did not know then. What was beyond my control or knowledge is up to her. At her age of 42 and I approaching 65 shortly, I feel at times, even when her decisions and life choices sadden me, I have done my job back then the best I knew how so the burden of guilt is not one I wrestle with daily.

I have as similar problem. I have post on before. My son moved home in dec. With a 40 year old woman. He's 27. She I believe is on opiods. The 2 of the don't sleep for days, wonder around at night , don't pay for anyth ing. They don't like rules, they fight and yesterday had an opp officer come as they had a fight at a car wash. I have done so much for him . He recently went thro a horrible separation lost his 2 kids , got a duo which in Canada cost $12,000 plus. Paying for his insurance .etc...I recently told her not to be on my property. I thought it would give him a safer home at least.. I'm at a loss......

Sally - You need to take a hard look at whether your support is helping your son, or you it is enabling him to live an unhealthy lifestyle at your expense.
Unless he is disabled in some way, why are you paying his insurance? Why is he living in your home without paying his way? If hos companion is using, and his behavior is similar to hers, it sounds like he is doing the same.

Please safeguard yourself, and your physical, mental and financial safety. If you knowingly let them stay (and use) in your home, you are at risk. Do you have someone you can talk to about getting him and getting his companion out of your home?
Sue

@aislinn2 I am in the same and can totally relate. My oldest daughter is 43 and I am 77. Unfortunately she bore the brunt of my ineptitude in parenting, but I too flew by the seat of my pants. Had no support whatsoever from anyone - not even my husband at the time.

I learned from our mistakes with my first and applied what I learned to the two who came after, but made new mistakes with each.

We lived and learned … but it is difficult for our kids to relate.

My previous story coming to an end, son called to say his wife is divorcing him, he was served papers. Unfortunately she wants full support, child custody and maintenance ( alimony); ( they are living apart without a legal separation but child support papers, which he pays as well as partial payment for daycare). She will not let us see our granddaughter. She is supporting herself with pole dancing despite having 3 licenses for beautician, barber & manicure work. Son cannot afford lawyer and can’t use legal aid services because she is! Despite my reservations I told him get this mess resolved asap.