No more Driving

Loss of independence--driving, horses, handling money--remain the the high stress elements of my wife's MCI.
There's an aphasia element in her decline, written and spoken communication has become almost impossible. She was denied a driver's license renewal last September, because she wasn't able to answer basic questions on the application form: name, address, DOB, Medical History, etc. If someone is with her in the car, she is technically a competent driver, but I, family, and friends, feel she is unsafe because she can become seriously confused in unexpected situations. I probably allowed her to driver longer than I should have, and I was relieved when the MVD refused to renew her license. However, she really doesn't understand why she can't continue to drive. I've become the bad guy. Explaining that she no longer has a license or auto insurance doesn't help. She is relentless in her efforts to take the car. We live in a small town and everyone knows her. About two years ago, another woman here with diagnosed alzheimer's drove off the highway onto a relatively remote two track and was found dead two days later. As you can imagine, pressure against mentally incapacitated individuals driving in our town is immense. It would not go unnoticed. For now I'm the enforcer, a job I obviously don't enjoy. I've considered trying to find some one to serve temporarily as an advocate who will take her through the license application, or even a medical opinion from our primary provider, thereby shifting the blame away from me. I've already talked with the PP and she agrees that my wife should not be driving. I don't see this problem ending quickly or easily and am wondering if anyone might recommend a strategy.

Oh Mary, How frightening for both of you! Give him a hug for me and tell him I said someone was definitely watching over him. I remember going through this with Mom - she went to her grave blaming me for taking her to "that mean guy" who explained after extensive testing that she could no longer drive - No dementia, but she had serious visual perception and reaction losses after a stroke.

We are having the "driving discussion" with my cousin's kids right now, and they just want to swoop in and take the keys. They don't comprehend how devastating it is to take away someone's wheels freedom to come and go, especially in a Texas suburb with no local transit service. I truly hope I talked them into a gentler approach.

Not looking forward to the day we have to surrender our keys - the time will come and I hope I have the wisdom to recognize it.

Sue

Loss of independence--driving, horses, handling money--remain the the high stress elements of my wife's MCI.
There's an aphasia element in her decline, written and spoken communication has become almost impossible. She was denied a driver's license renewal last September, because she wasn't able to answer basic questions on the application form: name, address, DOB, Medical History, etc. If someone is with her in the car, she is technically a competent driver, but I, family, and friends, feel she is unsafe because she can become seriously confused in unexpected situations. I probably allowed her to driver longer than I should have, and I was relieved when the MVD refused to renew her license. However, she really doesn't understand why she can't continue to drive. I've become the bad guy. Explaining that she no longer has a license or auto insurance doesn't help. She is relentless in her efforts to take the car. We live in a small town and everyone knows her. About two years ago, another woman here with diagnosed alzheimer's drove off the highway onto a relatively remote two track and was found dead two days later. As you can imagine, pressure against mentally incapacitated individuals driving in our town is immense. It would not go unnoticed. For now I'm the enforcer, a job I obviously don't enjoy. I've considered trying to find some one to serve temporarily as an advocate who will take her through the license application, or even a medical opinion from our primary provider, thereby shifting the blame away from me. I've already talked with the PP and she agrees that my wife should not be driving. I don't see this problem ending quickly or easily and am wondering if anyone might recommend a strategy.

Hi @harleyshaw, after reading your post, I watched a video of Teepa Snow on how to talk to a loved one with dementia about not driving anymore. She said when something is taken away, something should be substituted in its place.
You said your wife is relentless in her efforts to take the car. What does she want it for? Are there errands she wants to run, friends she wants to visit, does she want to go to church or cruise?
Are there transportation services in your community liked a shared ride service she could use? Any friends who will take her shopping or other places? Would she be willing to go to a day program if one is available?
I was determined for my husband to keep driving as long as it was safe, but I watched him like a hawk. One day he didn't see a STOP sign. Luckily, the car on the other side of the sign yielded.
The next day we had a Zoom visit with his neurologist. He asked him to draw a clock, then 10 after 11 on the clock. He couldn't do it. The neurologist recommnded it was time for him to stop driving.
I explained this to my husband and I think he was relieved. Driving was probably a bigger stressor for him than I realized.
Every once and a while he mentions that "they won't let me drive anymore." I explain that he couldn't draw 10 past 11 on the clock, that's when people aren't supposed to drive anymore, and if he got into an accident, we could lose everything.
He accepts it and always compliments me when I drive.
Good luck. I know I had a pretty easy time with this development.

I deeply appreciate your comments. My wife is conscious of and missing the freedom to just get in the car and go. Her family home is about 6 hours away, and she'd like to visit there as in the past. Truth is that she can no longer manipulate a gas pump or use a credit card. She tries to talk to everyone and is a perfect candidate to be a victim if alone. She simply rejects the idea that they wouldn't renew her license. We do have people who will drive her, but she feels insulted when they offer. She loves to tell them how to drive, when a turn is coming, and how fast they should be going. Its a difficult time, and I'm afraid one we'll just have to endure.

Hi @harleyshaw, it sounds like you have your hands full trying to keep your wife safe.
Is your wife on any medications?
The neurologist prescribed an anti-depressant for my husband because he was engaging in obsessive behaviors. He does that less now, and he's still alert. He's tolerated the medication well for a few years.
Recently our HMO referred us to a geriatrician, which was helpful.
Is referral to a specialist a possibility for you or one you can pursue?

I deeply appreciate your comments. My wife is conscious of and missing the freedom to just get in the car and go. Her family home is about 6 hours away, and she'd like to visit there as in the past. Truth is that she can no longer manipulate a gas pump or use a credit card. She tries to talk to everyone and is a perfect candidate to be a victim if alone. She simply rejects the idea that they wouldn't renew her license. We do have people who will drive her, but she feels insulted when they offer. She loves to tell them how to drive, when a turn is coming, and how fast they should be going. Its a difficult time, and I'm afraid one we'll just have to endure.