I have been estranged from my daughter for almost 20 years

WOW! I guess I never realized others were dealing with this problem. I thought it was just me.
Thank you for the information. I just ordered it.

I read the reviews and want to post part of one that I can so relate to because the time I talked to my daughter she brought up this matter of unconditional love, that no matter what she did as a mother, if I was normal, I would have unconditional love for her.

"“mothers should love unconditionally”, I would suggest that all of these mothers continue to love their children unconditionally, but this doesn’t mean they should tolerate unconditional abuse by their adult children. In most cases, the adult children were disrespectful, even cruel, leading to discard. It is a mother’s nature to react to the cruelty, it is a mother’s nature to tolerate way too much from her adult children, I would suggest that mothers are martyring themselves way too much. "

You will amazed when you read these books. Do the exercises and you will realize patterns in your own families you never saw before. These books are masterful. JMHO

Re sending her stuff. Do you know that I have hauled it through 2 moves to different states. The boxes are currently up in the garage attic.

I don't know why I kept it, perhaps hope just like I saved my wedding veil and the handmade (and hand quilted) baby quilt her Great Grandmother made for her. I am thinking abut getting rid of all but my Grandmother's quilt because I think it will help me let go.....garage sale as most items are in very good condition. Hubby and I are retired and on fixed income and we all know what inflation has done to everyone the past few years.

I know that she may want some of the items, but as I say, she is going to have to pay for the shipping which is quite pricey these days. That she won't do so the h*ll with her. She wouldn't appreciate the effort or expense any way and I know she wouldn't even let me know she received the items.

I am going to have Hubby get them out and start sorting things out. Time to let go of the past.

Sadly, she is my only child. When she moved out she left a pornographic picture on her bed so I would find it. Read beginning so you know why she moved out. Later she would sneak back in the house and steal things. It wasn't until she graduated (never got invite) that I changed the locks on the doors. She left a note telling me how terrible I was for doing that. Hey, too bad.

One more thing, if I may. I find that I am so embarrassed by this estrangement that I have not told any one down here that I have a living daughter. People tend to think that if your child doesn't like you there must be something wrong with you.

When she was going to college she wanted me to take out a second mortgage on my home to pay for it! Heck, I didn't have that much equity in it. I was a secretary and made about $25,000 annually back then (1980-90/s).

Her Father had her so brainwashed that she believed that child support was suppose to be put away for her college! We divorced in 1982 and I never bother to try to get an increase, plus when she turned 18 he was 4 years behind.

In fact, one of my neighbors, when we moved here, asked if I had any children. Without thinking I said one daughter. She asked where she lived etc. I was so embarrassed I actually said she had died!

During one of the estrangement books, there’s a part where self reflection is required. After I completed this section, it brought up so much negativity about myself from my past that it through me into a tailspin. Sometimes these self help books cause harm at the same time they offer support and insight. I learned a lot about estrangement but I also had more feelings of self loathing and sadness afterwards. I forgive him and believe he’s dealing with his own issues and may return in his own time. Estrangement support groups are very enlightening and was a wonderful experience for me.

Have you noticed that it seems EVERY ONE has issues with their parents these days? And they are responsible for everything.

I have a friend who's teenage daughter got angry at her and called the police claiming abuse! This was back about 25 years ago. Because the kid made the claim they charged my friend. She went through hell with the system. Even though her husband knew the claim was false it eventually led to divorce as he wanted to keep a relationship with the daughter.

Through the court system and witnesses etc. the daughter was shown to be a liar on the matter and the case dismissed.

My friend was, and is today, devastated by what that child did to her. To this day she will have nothing to do with the girl. The child ruined her life, she lost her job, her husband, her house, reputation (people seem to only remember the original charges in the news, not the outcome years later).

On that I can understand after having my daughter sue me regarding something she already received. Mine was so greedy she even wanted the court to make me give her "her" bedroom set! That got stopped quickly when my attorney asked her if she paid for it. Of course she hadn't. She was then told it wasn't hers. My problem was that after 5 years I couldn't find the records about when I transferred things to her, and she sure wasn't going to disclose them. The bank wanted a HUGE amount of money to look back in the records. She started out wanting over $10,000 and my attorney managed to negotiate it down to $1,500 just to get rid of her. FWIW, when we moved after the suit was over I found paperwork proving my case. I have it in an envelope addressed to her, but never send it. Why, I don't know.

It was during that time that, when she was to be disposed, she insisted that I not be in the room because she was so afraid of me (which was BS). She could not look me or my husband in the face which IMHO speaks volumes. She actually would insist that I leave the courtroom before her because she was so afraid of me. Heck, I had to be led out by my Hubby as I was so devastated and in tears I couldn't see.

I can remember that day vividly, I was totally upset. It never got before a judge but was settled out of court. Seeing as she only got 15% of what she wanted and no lawyer fees it must have cost her a pretty penny....it did me.

Anyway, I recall her glaring at me with such hatred it was shocking. There was no way she was afraid of me. That was for the lawyer and to try to get her way.

It’s always the parents fault and you are expected to apologize. Mostly it feels like a millennial thing but I realize this has been happening for a lot longer. Even when I had problems with my parents, it never crossed my mind to totally estrange or take them to court and ruin their lives. Where did such evilness come from? Mine is total radio silent and wants nothing to do with anyone but sometimes I would prefer a little bit of evil so I would at least see or hear from him. Wish there were an expiration date on estrangement. Health wise it’s damaged me almost beyond repair. Wish he knew what this has done to me and would he even care. Then again, what might he be thinking about or suffering with.

I am reading book on adult child estrangement and have made a realization already.It seems that on all holidays, birthdays, etc. I would always send a card or drop a message. I see that doing that means that she always knows about me but doesn't recipicate etc.I have decided to stop reaching out since it hurts me too much. March 16th will be her 48th birthday. I'm tired. I feel I have tried and tried and it is time to let it go because every time I send something I am reminded and it hurts, and on my birthday, mothers day, christmas, etc., not hearing from her also hurts.Hubby and I are going to plan to do something on that day to keep my mind off of it.....casino, movie & dinner, something.Hubby and I talked and he confirms that it is only hurting me, and after discussion about some of what I read in book, I am being masochistic to myself. As he pointed out, when he let her know that I was in the hospital she never responded to him.I can love her but I don't need to be abused by this. I am also changing my will. No reason she should benefit from someone she evidently wants nothing to do with. Lawyer said to leave her a "token" so she can't claim she was accidentally left out, along with a clause that says anyone who contests my will will get nothing.Evidently he has seen this estrangement by adult children before and they usually come out of the woodwork when they know there is $$$ involved. He did say that the estranged adults, while glad of their inheritance, really didn't seem to care about the person who passed.Well, will see how her birthday and Easter go for me and keep on going. Life at 78 is too short to continue the pain of dealing with this though I know I will have up and down days