I have been estranged from my daughter for almost 20 years. Recently

Posted by kartwk @kartwk, Feb 22 11:51am

we have done some contact and she blames me for so much that did not happen at all!

She claims that I beat her (never happened) and did nothing for. None of that is true. Her father and I divorced when she was about 6 and we went to live with my mother. This was only because my husband tried to burn down the house we lived in with us in it! We lived in the country then.

He wanted generous child visitation, which I gave him wanting her to have a relationship with her father, but he stood her up so many times. I recall one time in particular when after church she was sanding behind the car in the driveway waiting for her father to arive. Her friends wanted her to play, but she told them proudly she was waiting for him. He never showed. When I went out to bring her in for lunch she took it out on me (she was about 8 then). It was MY fault. I had nothing to do with it.

Anyway, I am the one that bought her a car, encouraged her to take courses to go to college. She had a savings account that I had control of and turned over to her on her 18th birthday. This she claims never happened and actually sued me about it when she graduated from college and was looking for $$ to pay off student loans. This DEVASTATED ME. Even my Father said she was rotten through and through.

I couldn't deal with that for years yet, eventhough she claimed to the lawyers that she was afraid of me (thus she refused to be in a room with me and I had to leave the courthouse before she did). One time she was in the lawyers office for a deposition (she refused to have me in the room while I was deposed, she couldn't even look at my husband! I think that says a lot. Once it was over she seemed to think things should go right back to normal.

Oh, she moved out of my house between her junior and senior year in college because: 1. I wouldn't pony up money for her to move out of the dorm and have her own apartment. 2. I came home one night to find her and her current boyfriend in a compromising position, if you get my drift. I called her on that and she told me she would do what she wanted. I said not in my house, and she moved out. I told her she didn't have to move, but to have respect for me....you understand.

Re this I also had a problem with her in high school, also in her Junior. She had a crush on a young music teacher and he encouraged it. While the spring play was being rehearsed she told me she was going to be late one night because of that. When it got to 10:30, which was late for her on a school night) and she still wasn't home I started calling around looking for her. I drove to the high school there were cars there but I could not get in. Anyway, I called the police and told them she wasn't home yet, etc. The police checked the school and found that she was still there with the TEACHER! This was around midnight!

The police brought her home and boy was she angry. The next day she came home and told me the music teacher said I got him in trouble! I told her he got himself in trouble, that she should never have been with him etc. A few weeks later he told her that the school was not renewing his contract and she was furious at me.

I had talked to the school about the situation but the school also had the report from the police department.

Anyway, she always tells me how great her father was and I wonder if it is time to tell her about the fire etc. There is a police report on that and she and I spend about 2 weeks at a women's shelter after that happened.

Please let me hear your remarks. This has bothered me for years. I have gotten blamed for so much I didn't do. As I once told her, if I was that bad she could have gone to live with her father. The truth there is that he didn't want her to cramp his life style.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Mental Health Support Group.

Oh, my Husband says that the fact that she couldn't face either me or him speaks volumes.

When her father got a live in girlfriend with kids, THEN he would start to pick her up for weekends, so she could babysit. My Father said she cried to them that she found out he help pay for their college even though he wouldn't help her out. But, he was still her idol and me the scape goat

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Any suggestions on reconcilling, letting her know about the fire, etc. and dealing with this would be greatly appreciated. I am in my late 70's and have health problems and would like a relationship with her before I am gone.

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@kartwk

Any suggestions on reconcilling, letting her know about the fire, etc. and dealing with this would be greatly appreciated. I am in my late 70's and have health problems and would like a relationship with her before I am gone.

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Basically, my younger son estranged himself almost 5 years ago with no explanation so I definitely empathize with you and your situation. I’m so sorry for the heartbreak and loss you’ve been experiencing. This has caused me deep anxiety and depression over the years and I went so far as to commit myself to a mental health facility. No rhyme or reason to it. He had a great life. Was a great, quiet kid. No drugs or alcohol. Just decided one day to cut the whole family and move away. And he keeps moving. I went to his house once in the beginning and he refused to open the door or talk to me. We hire a PI to find him for peace of mind whenever he moves and the last time called the police for a wellness check. It gives me comfort just knowing where he is. I pray one day he comes back. Maybe he’s dealing with his own mental health issues. I wish I had advice for you. Just a hug and pure understanding of what you’re enduring. Praying you get the peace you deserve. No parent should have to experience such devastation from a child they raised with love. 💕

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I wish I had answers for you. But I have and am going thro some of the same. My son after recently moving back home brought with him a drug addict girl friend ..who adding to our already exciting problems with my abusive ex , his father. Is best friends with him. She is toxic. I had to throw her out of my home after 2 months of living here, of course. The same it's my fault...This type of person doesn't change. Just because they are out children does not make them wonderful human beings.. It makes them people ..there core being is who they are. I am older too, the same have and given him money, savings...we have to realize They aren't go I g to change. We need to stop Our Guilt trips that's what we need to do...good luck , we need it.

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@cdesharn

Basically, my younger son estranged himself almost 5 years ago with no explanation so I definitely empathize with you and your situation. I’m so sorry for the heartbreak and loss you’ve been experiencing. This has caused me deep anxiety and depression over the years and I went so far as to commit myself to a mental health facility. No rhyme or reason to it. He had a great life. Was a great, quiet kid. No drugs or alcohol. Just decided one day to cut the whole family and move away. And he keeps moving. I went to his house once in the beginning and he refused to open the door or talk to me. We hire a PI to find him for peace of mind whenever he moves and the last time called the police for a wellness check. It gives me comfort just knowing where he is. I pray one day he comes back. Maybe he’s dealing with his own mental health issues. I wish I had advice for you. Just a hug and pure understanding of what you’re enduring. Praying you get the peace you deserve. No parent should have to experience such devastation from a child they raised with love. 💕

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I know where she is. It is in a big Midwest city. I know what you are going through. I am tired of crying most the night wondering why this is happening.

RE: the teacher. Even after he was thrown out of her school she kept in touch with him (this while she had a boyfriend her own age). After she graduated from high school and was out with her friends, I got a call that her car had broken down and would I come and get them. Guess what, there were 4 teenage girls (18) and this scumbag teacher with them. He was giving them alcoholic coolers so they would like to hang out with him!

You know what is funny.....years ago I bought a Saturn, when she got out of college she bought a Saturn. I bought a colonial style house, where we lived, her house is pretty much a copy of mine (I saw it in the realator listings.

One thing she got livid with me about when she was in college was that she wanted me to give her $10,000 (yep, you see the amount right) for a bow for her violin! Not the violin, just the bow. I don't have that kind of money, never did. Said her music teacher told her she needed this expensive bow if she was going to succeed in music (she has a degree in music/teaching and also her masters).

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@sally12345

I wish I had answers for you. But I have and am going thro some of the same. My son after recently moving back home brought with him a drug addict girl friend ..who adding to our already exciting problems with my abusive ex , his father. Is best friends with him. She is toxic. I had to throw her out of my home after 2 months of living here, of course. The same it's my fault...This type of person doesn't change. Just because they are out children does not make them wonderful human beings.. It makes them people ..there core being is who they are. I am older too, the same have and given him money, savings...we have to realize They aren't go I g to change. We need to stop Our Guilt trips that's what we need to do...good luck , we need it.

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How terrible and I truly understand. The last time I heard from her she was looking for things of hers that she wanted me to send her. I told her I would, but she would have to pay for the shipping as that is so expensive these days and we are on a fixed income. She went into her usual snit against me, how terrible I treated her, am, etc. and that was the end of that.

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Mine asks for nothing. I sometimes wish he would so at least I would hear from him. A friend of mine complains about her 2 toxic daughters but I would trade with her in a heartbeat to just be able to see him again. Praying there’s hope down the road for us all.

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@cdesharn

Mine asks for nothing. I sometimes wish he would so at least I would hear from him. A friend of mine complains about her 2 toxic daughters but I would trade with her in a heartbeat to just be able to see him again. Praying there’s hope down the road for us all.

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She only contacted me to tell me to stop trying to contact her through the e-mail address I got. At the same time she asked me about her things etc. I told her sure, I would send them but she would have to pay for the shipping. We are not talking about small packages, but like moving boxes. Never heard from her after that.

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@kartwk

How terrible and I truly understand. The last time I heard from her she was looking for things of hers that she wanted me to send her. I told her I would, but she would have to pay for the shipping as that is so expensive these days and we are on a fixed income. She went into her usual snit against me, how terrible I treated her, am, etc. and that was the end of that.

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You have no control over your daughter only yourself Try to forgive and let go So that it doesn't continue to eat at you Just tell her you'll always love her and move on without hurt and anger ruining the time you have left. It is right to set limits for yourself - but if you want to send her stuff, if thats better for you just go ahead and do it . Don't try to malign her father because it will only hurt her and deepen your own regrets You sound as if Alanon would help you separate yourself from the grief and heartbreak So many of us suffer from torn relationships I believe focusing on the things you are grateful for and reaching out to help others gives peace and healing
If you believe in God, ask for help and to learn forgiveness.

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STRONGLY recommend two books, same author . . . Done With the Crying (1) and Beyond Done With The Crying (2) both written by Sheri McGregor M.A. First book published in 2016, second in 2021. She is a social worker and parent of a child with whom she is estranged. I ordered them from Amazon, paperback editions, and they were not expensive. In addition to giving you a lot of information, there are also activities you can do that will help you better "see" what family patterns were and are for her generation, your generation, her dad's etc.

Also, lots of supportive discussion of next steps, what ifs and ...

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