Longterm care of elderly parents and the toll on personal health

I understand! I am caring for my Mom. My only sibling passed away from cancer in 1998 at age of 30 and my Dad was murdered in 1992. I have two children who are grown, however they don't really help. My Daughter does help me with my Mom's doctors appointments when she can. I understand she has a family of her own and they are always busy. It is difficult. I sold my home and moved in with my Mom to help care for her. I unfortunately am not married now and am the only one that could do this for her. So at the age of 54, I don't have a life. I work and take Mom and myself to doctors appointments and that is it. I would go nuts if I didn't have my two dogs. I have two Australian Shepherds that are like kids to me. My Mom just spent Thanksgiving inpatient with diverticulitis near the opening of her colostomy. She also has polycythemia vera with JAK2 mutation. So, it was just me and Mom for Thanksgiving so we just didn't have it. I too feel we are in for a sad state of affairs with our youth not having the same empathy and sense of responsibility to care for their elders.

@sueborfl I am so sorry that your post totally got past me. Your situation sounds so difficult. I, too wish there was a better way to help the average person find and afford caregivers. You and @sherriusher have described reality that so many members are dealing with.
Have either of you come up with any ideas?

I was a caregiver for my parents for the last 12 years of their lives (4 for my dad and 12 for my mom). My mom died at 96 two years ago, when I was 73. The best thing I did early on was to learn to take care of myself first (this is the opposite of selfishness). I realized if I didn't do that, I could not adequately care for my declining parents. It worked and I was able to go thru that time with my health intact. Everyone's circumstances are different and I judge no one. I am now 75 and am soon to begin my own declining years. I try to be realistic ( the golden mean between black pessimism and unfounded optimism) Sometimes, when I face the music, I find that I can dance to it. And yes, you hit the nail on the head; the state of eldercare in our country is sad.

I’m taking care of my 84 year old mother who has Stage 4 breast cancer, diagnosed in August 2019. I’m finding now I get sick very frequently. I’m sure this is the result of stress, caring for her. I’m not sure what I can do to improve that. Advice?

You can startby giving your immune system a good jump. I have some autoimmune things going on so I have to stay on top of it. Elderberry is excellent to jump up the immune system. You can also do a online search for all natural products that help build up the immune system. I hope this helps some. I have to stay on top because my Mom has some Dementia and I need to take care of her. You should also take a good prebiotics/prebiotics that is made for women. Good health in the gut and other areas is very important. I even have my Mom on them. Blessings to you and your Mom.

Thanks for that! I do take some Elderberry but often forget my prebiotics. I take a good product by Dr Guidry called Total Restore. It just seems like my health improves when I get away for a time but falls apart when I “return to duty”

So you are on the right track and remember to get a good night's sleep.
Bless you for taking care of your Mom. I refuse to put my Mom in a home. She deserves better also.

None. My parents passed within 3 mos of each other and my sister in law who fought cancer passed a month before them. There was no one to help in any constructive way. It was all about what they got or how they managed not to help. We strove to bring up good and responsible children only to have non responsive adults.
In 2018 our apt bldg burned to its foundation and along with it, we lost our entire apartment including everything we owned. Again we received no help from family except temporary housing from our daughter and that was curtailed because her husband was not in agreement of how we wanted to return to our familiar neighborhood in NY.
I’ve stopped bemoaning how we do not have societal standards as we did years ago, but these are the new norms. We are relocated to Florida. I grew up in Miami but we chose to settle on the west coast. I’ve read your situation and I think life throws us unbearable situations that we have to resolve and do the best we are able.

As the reply above stated: try to take care of yourself and get as much rest as possible. Even if you stay at their place.
I paid companions and day nurses to come in while I took care of one in a nursing home and one at home not wanting to eat or bathe or move. I went thru almost all their savings.

I recently hired someone to come in to help. Sadly, my mother wants me to continue doing her laundry, shopping and errands, and just wants to have lunch and tea parties with the hired help! I think I need to set stricter boundaries. I’ve supported my mother financially for decades, so she doesn’t have any assets.