What to say to the family member who takes on most of the caregiving?

@finnegan1, great question. I pulled it into its own discussion. It can fall on one person or few people in the family to take on most of the caregiving. Often this is because of geography because one family member lives closer.

How do you support the family member who is doing most of the caregiving?

Acknowledging that the person is doing all the work. Call or try to visit if possible. See if there is anything you can do to assist.

I am the only caregiver (in my husband and I’s home), for my 93 year old father. Until three weeks ago, I had a sibling who lived out of state (tragically, he died unexpectedly). My brother offered amazing support. Although he was not present to do the “heavy lifting” of daily care, doctor/med care coordination and follow through, etc etc etc!—he called dad every single day and chatted for almost an hour. He would call at pretty much the same time every day, giving dad something enjoyable to expect and social connection daily. If there was something that I needed dad to cooperate with but didn’t know how to approach it, or he was resistant, my brother had a great way of encouraging cooperation. He did so much even though he was not physically present! When “big things” were happening (hospitalizations, etc), he would say “sorry you have to do this alone”. That made me feel thought of and appreciated.

He also was a safe place to vent any feelings/frustrations I had in this caregiving role. I was able to tell him things that I would be uncomfortable telling friends—feeling like I was violating my dad’s privacy, etc. Because he was so close to dad, he could offer perspective that no one else could. I will really miss him!

You should say to a family member who is doing most of the caregiving to stop being selfish and being a martyr. Sometimes one person takes over and guess what? They are usually not competent and bossy. Do not stand by and let this person hijack the final days you have with your loved one.

@finnegan1
"THANK YOU, Thank you, thank you!"
"I know taking care of [Mom] is a lot - if you get frustrated and need to let off steam, call me any time to vent." (Then let them vent without interruption, criticism or suggestions until they are done, then calmly ask how to help and listen again.)
"If it gets to the point where this is too much, let me know so we can figure out what to do."

Then:
If the person can talk on the phone, call them regularly and spend a little time - even if they repeat the same thing every time. Their caregiver can use that regular little break to take a breath or get a cup of coffee.
What can I do that will be the most helpful to you?
Can I come for a weekend and give you some time to get away?
Can I arrange to give you a break on a regular basis? (If you can't be there, YOU arrange a substitute caregiver and pay for them if needed.)
Can I take over managing the bills, ordering/organizing the meds, taking [Mom] to appointments or to the hairdresser or ?
Can I hire someone to clean or do laundry for you?
If you are not nearby, offer to find the local resources to help.

Yes, it might be a stretch for you financially to offer these services, but remember your family member is giving up life as you know it - their life is governed by the needs of the person they care for - no running out for coffee with a friend, spontaneous trips to the store, taking a weekend at the lake, watching their kids or grandkids baseball games.

Thank you for asking this question. I don't know how I would have managed caring for Mom (in her own place) if I wasn't able to share the duties with my sister and pull in my brothers as needed. And vent with my sister when it got to be too much.

I'm the only caregiver for my mom (I was the caregiver for Dad also; he died last February). I moved in with them in Sept 2023. Three of my siblings are out of state, and two live nearby. One visits once a week with his dog, which Mom loves. However, she calls them popcorn visits because he is in and out in under 30 minutes. If the weather is good, I take the dog outside so he and Mom can talk. He also helps with some home maintenance when needed. The other local brother doesn't visit very often.

My sister calls every night and talks for about 1/2 to 1 hour. Mom doesn't hear everything, but she would miss it if she didn't call. One other brother visits about every two months and stays for a long weekend. He fixes things around the house, makes Mom happy and I also get a little respite. My sister also comes to visit several times a year.

My sister and I vent to each other; her husband has Parkinson's, and her daughter has many autoimmune issues.
My brothers and sister appreciate what I am doing for our mother but sometimes, appreciation is not enough.

Yes, sometimes I miss having a spontaneous life like I did before, and sometimes I feel constrained and have cabin fever.

I will also add to my previous comment:
Communication between my out-of-state brother and I was so key. Mutual respect a necessity. He had health issues himself, precluding travel. But I would keep him apprised of dad’s major health issues, doctor opinions, scan results, etc. Dad knew that I kept my brother up on the major things. I invited him to FaceTime big appointments, which he declined to do for a variety of reasonable reasons. But because he was removed from the moment to moment daily of life, he offered a place to dad where he could be “his old self”. Since my brother was not physically here to see the indignities of age decline, I know my dad felt like he could relate to him (and my brother could still “see” him) as his younger self. I know my brother would ask him how to do things that he (my brother) probably already knew how to take care of. But that gave my dad a sense of purpose and usefulness.

But when dad wanted a rolater to use instead of his walker, my brother respectfully asked why I was opposed to it, privately (and with the knowledge that he wasn’t here to see everything). He understood when I explained that it would be a danger for dad given his current mobility challenges (and this confirmed by the PT—not just me being too protective/controlling). Things like that come up and if everyone can come from a place of wanting the best for the care recipient, and there is mutual respect, everyone can be so helpful even if they play different roles in the care…..

Don't ask what you can do but just do something.!!!
Drop off food.
Saying I have time next week to give you
a break ask what day is best for you.
I cared for my dad for 7 1/2years he passed in Oct 2024
Not one time did my brother or sister offer to give us a break

My father could see how tired I was and he was saddened that they never stepped up to the plate.
That bothered me he was hurt. Everyone needs to understand even though they are old and or sick they still have feelings.

And after a loved one passes tell them how much you appreciate that your loved one was so well taken care of and loved. I never heard anything positive from my sister.
I never had a chance to greive because as soon as my father passed I had to plan his funeral and take care of his estate.

This is a truly excellent response. Some of those things would have been of great help to me. I was exhausted by people that asked, "How are you doing?" but really did not even care to hear the answer. I was also exhausted by people that would spend all their time telling me excuses for why I should do everything and they should do nothing. I hope some people will take your suggestions seriously.

I agree, don't need to say anything to caregiver about what they are doing......but offer to come for a week every three months to give caregiver a break....frequent phone calls to let caregiver vent is also a good idea.