What is the funniest thing a doctor has ever said to you?

Posted by scottbeammeup @scottbeammeup, Jun 24, 2025

I had a good rapport with my (now retired) General Practitioner. Once, I went to see him for food poisoning. It was campylobacter and he gave me antibiotics. They worked but I got clostridium dificil from the antibiotics and he said I had to take Vancomycin, the antibiotic of last resort.

I asked what happens if it doesn't work? "Well, Scott, then I'm going to have to take you out back and shoot you." He said it so calmly and dryly that I couldn't stop laughing.

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shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | May 14 12:21pm

In reply to @robin1618 "My doctor told me I had no butt! I told him the boys have known that..." + (show)

@robin1618
Do you have any ifs or ands?

Susan, Volunteer Mentor | @grammato3 | May 15 12:38pm

This exchange was relayed to me by my son: he was with his wife in pre-op before she was going in for a procedure when the anesthesiologist came in for a brief chat. Right before the doctor took her back, he said, "OK, ready to go. Time for a little kiss". My son looked directly at him and said, "Alright, but we just met"!

elizadolittle | @elizadolittle | May 17 7:43pm

Love it!

ellu | @ellu | May 21 12:48am

In reply to @hdwoman "That Musinex has Robitussin in it." + (show)

When my twins were born, the pediatrician checked them over and said of the smaller twin "He will probably always be a small boy". Well he is 36 now, 6'3" and built like a bouncer! Despite his size he is a gentle person, and works as a psychiatric nurse...
@ellu

dunksmom1207 | @dunksmom1207 | May 21 11:40am

"BE GONE and SIN NO MORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!! "
I changed Dr's after that.

radinski | @radinski | May 22 8:24am

We’re going to use a scope to look in your stomach and colon. “Don’t worry, we’re not going to use the same scope “

jmhwmt51 | @jmhwmt51 | May 22 12:02pm

This was not said to me, as I don't use chewing tobacco, but it is a story that a nurse told me when she retired. A gentleman came to see the doctor for an annual checkup. This gentleman was a regular chewing tobacco user. Using the tongue depressor, he asked the gentleman to open his mouth. He did but the doctor hesitated and asked him to close his mouth. Once again, he asked the gentleman to open his mouth and again, hesitated and asked him to close his mouth. He repeated the same direction one more time. The gentleman asked the doctor what he was doing. The doctor said, "I wanted to make sure I was looking into the right end". Unfortunately, that doctor is no longer with us but that story from that nurse has always made me laugh.

jemimapuddled | @jemimapuddled | May 22 12:15pm

"We are just going to whip out your old brain shunt and replace it with a new one". 😂 Didn't inspire confidence as I didn't have a shunt put in at all yet!! It was my first op to have a VP shunt installed. I should have known it wouldn't go well if they didn't even know my basic information and sure enough five years later I'm still in chronic severe abdominal pain from the botched surgery. Life altering and so far has robbed me ( and my sons) of five years of "normal" life. Guess not so funny after all.... whoops