Weary of Caregiving

Hello @susan2018 I am sorry to read how heavy a burden you are carrying. My name is Scott and I was just the caregiver for my wife and I know how overwhelming that was for me at times. I cannot imagine the burden you are trying to carry.

I know every situation is unique in families and caregiving, but my initial reaction is there is no way one person can do what you are trying to do. As I often say -- the only place you find superheros is in the comics and not in caregiving!

I am wondering if you have looked into the visiting nurse program in your community or any local church-based groups that can offer actual help for you. Also might any of your family be Veterans and therefore eligible for some assistance via the VA?

I know first hand caregiving is a very tough, demanding, and unrelenting role. Might there be the possibility of some paid assistance for a couple hours a week for you?

Strength, courage, and peace!

You're past year sounds like mine. I just do one day at a time, and I'm praying that this coming year will be better.

First off, thank you for your reply this afternoon. Just finding this place where I know I can say what I feel is enough, I’m not looking for sympathy or praise or advice, just a listening ear which you so kindly provided me. I look around at the burden other caregivers carry and I feel guilty because I know I am capable of doing what needs to be done. I was feeling sorry for myself this afternoon when I wrote this. We have accessed local resources for my mother. I have a home health nurse that comes every two weeks to set up my mother’s meds and check her vitals as well as a housekeeper that cleans her apartment twice a month. On her own when she got out of the hospital Mother decided she wanted Meals on Wheels and also an aid for her bath. Mother is nearly blind, getting somewhat hard of hearing, has heart failure and arthritis which make her every day chores more difficult for her. She had been ordering groceries on her own for delivery but I just took that over because it is getting too difficult for her to read her list to the order taker. And of course I take care of all her paperwork and bills and shopping and checking on her. We are a small family, and as I said, we are all scattered across the U.S. including my brother and Mother’s younger sister in other states with no close relatives nearby. When I retired we moved to be close to my mother in order to make it easier to help out. We are fortunate in so many respects but my gas tank wS running on fumes this afternoon. Again...thanks, Scott. Take good care.

Good morning @susan2018 I hear you I hear you! 'Running on fume', 'no close family nearby', and the never ending 'paperwork'!

It all truly is exhausting! No other word for it!

I actually found Mayo Connect by accident when I, too, was running on fumes. My wife has a large family (5 siblings) and I have two sisters. But as opposed to when I grew up in Ohio and had every grandparent, aunt, uncle and cousin within walking distance, now none of these folks even live in the same state. Closest relatives were my sisters, who over my wife's entire 14+ year war never once set foot in our home, called, wrote, or offered any assistance other than one time telling me "well, if you're so (explicative deleted) tired leave her home and go check into the ER". Once, when I actually answered honestly when one of her siblings asked me 'how are you doing Scott' immediately dialed his cell phone and told the other siblings within my earshot, 'Scott is whining and looking for sympathy'. No question caregiving can be brutal and no one should ever feel guilty when they cannot do it all or for how they truly feel!

I never did figure out the paperwork maze! It was never ending and still crops up from someone who decides I still owe them something which I had overlooked, sometimes from years earlier and some doctor or test I can no longer even recall.

I remember, when I was a kid, there was a product on the market and they advertised on TV all the time. It was called STP and was some kind of gasoline additive to make your car run better. I often said to my wife, on those days I was in 'fumes mode' that I needed some STP! I never found anything to put into my gastank to refuel other than whatever sleep I could manage! Plus I learned to let a whole lot of things go to save energy. Dust bunnies happily populated our home, my shirts never saw an iron, I had to buy a second laundry basket for dirty clothes, and I am embarrased to say an entrie room became a junk room where things got stored I didn't have the energy or time to deal with.

Fellow caregivers, no matter how tired, beat, or exhausted, always have big shoulders and willing ears! Speak up, speak often, and never worry that it will be taken as anything other that venting! We all need that safe place to be our caregiving selves!

The only tip I have for reenergizing is that I did learn how to nap sitting up 🙂 Have you found any ways to help bounce back when on empty?

Strength, courage, and peace!

It’s helpful to hear how things are for you now, sometimes when a person feels overwhelmed it is easy to think it is going to be like that forever. Last night my husband seemed to be getting weaker so I took him into ER and he was admittedly the hospital. He’s so dehydrated that it has affected his kidney function. None of the tests have revealed a cause of his GI symptoms so right now he’s just getting IV fluids and electrolyte replacement. I didn’t get much sleep last night but came home now to eat and relax a bit. I know his needs are being taken care of there.

Good morning @susan2018 I hear you I hear you! 'Running on fume', 'no close family nearby', and the never ending 'paperwork'!

It all truly is exhausting! No other word for it!

I actually found Mayo Connect by accident when I, too, was running on fumes. My wife has a large family (5 siblings) and I have two sisters. But as opposed to when I grew up in Ohio and had every grandparent, aunt, uncle and cousin within walking distance, now none of these folks even live in the same state. Closest relatives were my sisters, who over my wife's entire 14+ year war never once set foot in our home, called, wrote, or offered any assistance other than one time telling me "well, if you're so (explicative deleted) tired leave her home and go check into the ER". Once, when I actually answered honestly when one of her siblings asked me 'how are you doing Scott' immediately dialed his cell phone and told the other siblings within my earshot, 'Scott is whining and looking for sympathy'. No question caregiving can be brutal and no one should ever feel guilty when they cannot do it all or for how they truly feel!

I never did figure out the paperwork maze! It was never ending and still crops up from someone who decides I still owe them something which I had overlooked, sometimes from years earlier and some doctor or test I can no longer even recall.

I remember, when I was a kid, there was a product on the market and they advertised on TV all the time. It was called STP and was some kind of gasoline additive to make your car run better. I often said to my wife, on those days I was in 'fumes mode' that I needed some STP! I never found anything to put into my gastank to refuel other than whatever sleep I could manage! Plus I learned to let a whole lot of things go to save energy. Dust bunnies happily populated our home, my shirts never saw an iron, I had to buy a second laundry basket for dirty clothes, and I am embarrased to say an entrie room became a junk room where things got stored I didn't have the energy or time to deal with.

Fellow caregivers, no matter how tired, beat, or exhausted, always have big shoulders and willing ears! Speak up, speak often, and never worry that it will be taken as anything other that venting! We all need that safe place to be our caregiving selves!

The only tip I have for reenergizing is that I did learn how to nap sitting up 🙂 Have you found any ways to help bounce back when on empty?

Strength, courage, and peace!