Unable to leave alcoholic boyfriend. Need advice.

Posted by tiredcat @tiredcat, Jan 20 8:25am

About3y ago, I met a guy that belonged to a social/mental health club that I belong too. I just spoke to him during the activities we had at club. Once a month the club also went out dinner together . One particular evening I mentioned that I was looking for a place to live, needed to move from my Sons home. He offered to rent me a mobile home, next to his house, he mother had lived there 6 y prior, before she passed. I moved there, seemed perfect for me. We both have a love for animals. So we both being single, we started dating. It was almost 2 months, before I realized he was a severe alcoholic. Had been for 30y. never had a girlfriend. As time went on, things we ok. I cooked dinner at my house. I enjoyed company, but we both liked having our own space. He was 54y, I’m 9y older. He said he drinks due to childhood trauma and it makes him feel good. I researched everything I could find regarding alcohol addiction. I started noticing things like: he acts childish, wants to watch and talk about same movies over and over. answers my questions inappropriately. Can’t remember day to day our plans. He drank during night, I didn’t see him until 4p next day. Started sending me hateful texts around 3a, calling me awful names. then not remembering them. I quit being intimate as much. He gets angry when I change things around my house, he wants to leave it like his mother had it, with all of her things. He stopped charging me rent, with agreement I would pay for any repairs needed. No problem there. But the symptoms of his alcoholism have become very difficult for me to handle. As I posted before, he had been diagnosed with several blood clots. He was told to stop drinking alcohol or he would die. Per Drs orders, and in front of him. I was instructed to remove all alcohol from his house before he was discharged from hospital. I did. Been 8d now with no alcohol. Luckily he’s hasn’t mentioned it. Now he’s more angry, harder to get along with. I’m a retired nurse, but he says I don’t know anything. He’s under Drs care. It has become totally awful to live here! I try to ignore him. I still cook, I monitor his vital signs. A part of me hates him. But the nurse in me , feels I need to care for medical needs. I’m afraid a blood clot is going to come loose and go to his heart! I would move . But my problem, I can’t afford too. Since being here, I’ve rescued a Chihuahua and 2 cats, I already have 2 other Chihuahuas. Even if I could afford to move, no place would allow to me to have my pets. So , I make myself have sex with him, trying my best to get through each day of his alcohol /now withdraws behavior. He forgot my birthday. Christmas I gave him a gift, he says, the month went by too fast. I forgot to get you a present. I get it next week. It was a back sit up pillow I wanted. Next week will never get here. We have same income. He has No bills, property left to him by parents. I love living in country, We both feed several feral cats. So I’m stuck here. His behavior last couple days , has me wondering if he has sneaked in alcohol. If I could live here, not have to be intimate, it would be better. I have no friends, no one’s allowed out here. He doesn’t trust anyone. I’m bipolar, depressed, lonely but love caring for animals. If he should die from the medical conditions he has, I would be kick out immediately, he had 1 relative, who has nothing to do with him, but has voiced her interest in his property, he refused to sell to her. So I asked him if he would make a will or statement that would allow me to live here if anything happens to him. He refused, keeps saying, if he does, I would kill him , so I could have his property! Calls me a murderer. Thinks I am going to poison him! It’s gotten Crazy out of control out here.! We need a third neutral person to talk too. Is this something a therapist would do? I’m wondering if I should have even posted this? This is too weird for anyone .

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mikekennedy759 | @mikekennedy759 | Jan 20 9:12am

Honestly, I really do not think I can provide advice. I can provide a hug.

My father was an alcoholic, but he was a mean alcoholic before I was born. So I never saw the bad stuff. I once asked my mother why she had upper dentures; she said my father knocked out her front teeth and she had the rest removed to have the dentures put in.

My mother made an ultimatum to my father to sober up or she was leaving. It apparently made a difference in his life. However, he continued to drink out with his co-workers. The only good thing he did not come home the mean alcoholic. Being able to draw the line might help. But you will have to be ready for the response you may not want. Again, I just do not have an answer on that.

I deeply admire your strength and compassion. Thank you sharing. I know it took courage to do so.

celia16 | @celia16 | Jan 20 10:10am

I’m so sorry you are going through this. We start out with an open heart and sometimes don’t anticipate what might be lying underneath the surface. I’m no professional, but I would take the situation very seriously. People who have serious alcohol addictions and exhibit controlling behavior can be unpredictable and unstable. I might would go into awareness mode while you gain information on how to best protect yourself. There should be a number to call for information for women in need of protection, possibly your doctor or therapist. AND, I’d contact an attorney to get your legal rights without delay. I would get information to help you analyze the situation and make decisions. I would get professional advice on leaving, if that is what you decide to do. That can be a very precarious time. I wish you all the best. Please explore professional advice on your situation.

Goaway | @nemo1 | Jan 20 10:16am

Not too weird at all. You are a strong woman with a big heart who seems to be tangled up with a very sick person. On different levels. I am no doctor or therapist but him being so deeply entrenched in his alcoholism he won’t change if he does not want to. I think a therapist could help you tease out things. You may be faced with things you are not prepared for. I am sorry to say this and maybe sound cold, but I think you need to focus on your life. You need to open up your options. That could empower you. Time passes by quickly. I know how hard it is to leave a hard, unhealthy situation. If I were you I would apply for state/federal help. It might help open up options for you. I’m sorry to say, you need an exit plan. You don’t want to be out of your home because someone else wants it. He is not willing to care or support you. Healthy needs are replaced with unhealthy needs. I’ve had experiences that called for change. I had to change my life to have one. Love yourself. Deep down you know what you need to do. It is okay. Side note. Not everyone is a planner. But sometimes life throws curveballs making it necessary. You already have heartbreak. Address the insecurities with a therapist. They will help you be good to and for yourself and assist with introspection that could make you more confident. Life is too short. We have our problems that are overwhelming enough. I am sorry this is so long. I care.

Laurie, Volunteer Mentor | @roch | Jan 21 5:52am

tiredcat @tiredcat

Have you checked out Al-Anon? It is a group for people affected by another person’s addiction.
https://al-anon.org/newcomers/

Is he seeking treatment, or doing AA or other support groups? If not, I doubt he will change.

Ask yourself, do you want to be in same situation next week, next month, etc.... If not, you need to make a change now!

From someone who has struggled with additions and a daughter of alcoholic.
Laurie

Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Jan 21 6:19am

In reply to @roch "tiredcat @tiredcat Have you checked out Al-Anon? It is a group for people affected by another..." + (show)

@tiredcat I agree 100% with @roch AlAnon was a life saver for me while I was coping with an alcoholic father. They helped me, helped me work to not damage my young family, and how to establish boundaries. I attended meetings for decades. My two sisters chose not to do this and they paid a heavy price for it in their lives and the lives of their family members.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Arlo | @equanimous | Jan 21 10:30am

In reply to @IndianaScott "@tiredcat I agree 100% with @roch AlAnon was a life saver for me while I was..." + (show)

I agree with Scott. Get over to AlAnon asap. Start networking with those who are or who have walked in your shoes. You will find your way, one step at a time. Be kind to yourself. Blessings to you.

sueb4bs | @sueb4bs | Jan 22 8:25am

ATTEND BOTH ALANON AND AA MEETINGS STARTING TODAY!!

tiredcat | @tiredcat | Jan 22 11:54am

I have 3 dogs 2 cats. All rescues!
Abandoning them, getting rid of them in anyway is not a option.

Helen, Volunteer Mentor | @naturegirl5 | Jan 22 12:46pm

@tiredcat I don’t think anyone here is suggesting that you give up your rescue animals. There is support for that.

Contact a Domestic Violence Women’s Center and ask to talk with an advocate who can also help you and your animals. If you are in Georgia, contact Ahimsa House or call ask them for suggestions for other states. Ahimsa House has networks and connections all over the U.S.

Ahimsa House

— https://ahimsahouse.org/

barscr2 | @barscr2 | Jan 23 9:08am

Hi, I’m concerned for you, your safety, your future. He’s not only a severe alcoholic, he’s showing signs of being a narcissist.I doubt he’ll change, the abuse will continue. You’re a nurse and you like to take care of people. Time to take care of only yourself. Get a plan in place to get out. He’s not providing you a safe place. You deserve better, take care!