Downsizing, To Move or Not to Move? That is the Question

@hraka13
So sorry to hear of your dilemna.
I was that granddaughter who was faced w disposing of family (maybe?) photo albums that my very mentally compent mother knew nothing about. They were precious enough to have been moved in 1906 from ND to OR when she moved west by rail w her parents, my grandparents. But what to do w photos when the only survivor recognizes nobody? I still wonder who those women in their long elegant dresses were? The photos were important enough to bring west when very little else was brought. I still remember the dusty rose velvet padded covering on the album. But no survivors in my mother's generation knew who they were. Sad that nothing in that album was labeled. And by the time I had to decide what to do w the album, it was in tatters. It felt like something that was important to someone at sometime, but who? and when?

@doccharlie Regarding George Eastman.....that is what my primary care doctor said he told his wife to do to him verses being put in a facility if he was in such a condition that that looked like it was necessary....facility care. Interesting what he wrote: "Why wait."
Barbara

@joanland You made me think of something I did with having lost my Mom and will ask that it be done for me with specific things.
My Mom had saved multiple letters from her 'baby brother' who went MIA in WWII. I decided to put them with her at her side before the final release of 'ashes to ashes dust to dust." That was in 1997 when she passed.
I am 83 and need to do what the Swedish call 'death cleaning." The problem I'm having is getting to it for various reasons.
I don't want to leave everything for my sister to do who has to come a good couple of thousand miles. I am thinking seriously of moving back near here when it looks necessary in order to make it easier for her....I'm single, she is single.
Barbara

Oh my, all these wonderful posts.

I worked for a company who helped families sort through their home's dresser, closets, kitchens, garage and everywhere. This happened when family did not want to step in an do it. We labeled items if the senior knew who wanted it and we specially made sure every piece of furniture and memento that they wanted to keep fit into their new place. I loved helping with that part. So many of those we moved had stayed in their homes as long as they could. Some were forced to move their parents as dementia removed the safety they had in be able to make daily choices. There were most of the scenarios that have been covered above in the posts.
Visiting the communities is so important. The cost on a per month basis needs to be looked at long term. I went to school for Gerontology in 2010. The city of Pomona and Claremont were creating a community with transportation and services that would be able to help seniors stay in their home with help within reach. You may know about the Clairmont colleges. Within that space part of the city there are 5 if not more senior living communities. Vastly different costs.
I reckon i move 600 or more families with that company in California.
We moved seniors into every kind of retirement home. So many high end communities and Sunrise and those in the more affordable range. What i want to add, is that all of you are part of the conversation with your parents. Parents ultimately will want to make the choice for their own life. Staying in their homes is what so many want. We saw prior seniors we moved often. We asked the community directors we checked in with how many seniors have visitors. I think you might now the answer. Never enough for most. In their own homes, they may still have neighbors and friends that will check on them.
Some communities who have activity directors that will keep the seniors busy if they choose. One community in Pasadena has a number of seniors who are on or were on the Rose Parade committee. Movers and shakers in that event. It was fun moving seniors into that space. We moved one good looking single lawyer in and reminded him as others had, that they ladies in this community will be knocking. He said he will be on the lookout.
As centre mentioned all those wonderful items from her family, I most loved the families who came over to Mom and Dad's house and put post it's on all the items they wanted. That will only happen if the parent will let go.
Thank you all for posting how it is for you right now. This is what makes Mayo Connect a place to learn that is safe andf abulous.

@katgob
One idea I haven't heard mentioned here that the family of friends used was: After the father had passed away and their elderly mother had moved to a senior living facility, the parents home was to be emptied and put on the market. The four adult children held a silent auction among themselves (with their spouses, I don't know if any adult grandchildren were present or not) and bid on all the items left that their mother hadn't taken with her. That way each adult child had a chance at getting whatever items held specific meaning for them, and the funds went to support their mother. From what I understood after this was completed, there were no hard feelings about "not being able to afford to get something I wanted," or "that you outbid me. " I found it a novel solution to how to divide up the family possessions.

@mrmj

You have gotten so many good things to review from the others who have posted. Mom staying in her home could be costly hiring a caregiver. Are you looking at someone you know or from an agency. That outside hiring option depletes savings. Right now, I have a friend who is the oldest of 2 siblings. She by circumstance in life was living with her parents for a decade, so when her mom notably began having issues, she was there to support. Luckily that last job that she had which was at the location 4 days a week ended. Getting support for her mom began last October with friends helping. We all picked up morning or evening shifts. My friend got help from the county and state as time has gone on, but the person to bath mom and do physical therapy has lessened. Her Mom was originally on hospice but recently moved off it. My friend being there and helping with drs to get moms meds in order showed the medication was a good reason why her mom is so much better now. The dementia is not gone, but she is alert and having to hoist Mom into bed is not needed.
My friend needs to work. She has been home a year. Had she have not been in this house, who knows what would have happened. There is a husband, but his own health issues prevent him from helping. That is a reason the mom ended up in such poor condition. Caregivers are used but my friend is there most of the time.
Whomever will decide to be there as Mom stays in the house will need to oversee Mom.

@joanland

We did that with my own family at the end with the most valuable possessions. My younger brother was the executor, and he would put a price on those items, and we paid for our loot deducted from the total we were getting. That gave him more as being the executor Mom gave him a 2nd share as if he was 2 kids. None of us said anything about that as it was our mother who divvied up her estate with 6 kids, but she had 5. Good ole Mom.
I got 2 rings of my mom's i had wanted. I also got her desktop, but sadly, my niece who had lived with her wiped it clean. I was downloaded files off Mom's computer like recipes, comics strips and crafts she loved to do. I did not finish.
My Mom let nothing go before she passed. It reminds me that whatever is in my house, I need to designate who gets what. Throw away those things that are not good, giveaway things I have not used in years. Have left only the items i love. If i collect umbrellas, my younger sister can sell or give them to someone else who loves them.
joanland- Your post is a smart idea.

@katgob I have trouble getting attached to "stuff" - I guess being raised possessing little, and watching my Dad literally give food and his own clothing to a passing stranger has always stayed with me. Many beautiful things reside in my home, or have passed through it on the way to other owners, and I am happy to have had them, but glad they are gone. When someone admires something in my home, they often leave with it. Our children and grandchildren don't give us things, they give us shared adventures and help when we need it. We try to do the same.

We live in 400 square feet for half of each year, and it holds everything we need and more. When we travel, we live for weeks at a time in 100 square feet. Many of my friends live permanently in 200-400 square feet, and swear they don't miss being tied to possessions.

When I come home in May to 1200 square feet, it seems enormous, and nearly every summer we spend time deleting possessions to make our eventual demise easier for our kids. When cleaning house, I offer things first to my kids and sister, then it either goes to charity, the local Buy Nothing site, or to people I know will use and appreciate it. My Mom and Dad did the same - all the way from the "big house" where they raised us 6 kids to an efficiency apartment at the end. Mom still had her small hutch, with her most prized pieces, but nearly everything else had already been given to kids, grandkids or charity. In the end, it took 4 of us less than 2 days to take care of everything. That is my goal.

@sueinmn: I just stumbled across this conversation and thought of the letsreimagine.org presentation I attended on behalf of an End of Life client some time ago; it's offered on a regular basis with another coming up later this month: https://letsreimagine.org/76768/personal-possessions-sorting-thinning-repurposing-6

I've downsized twice: once when moving from our family home in NJ to AZ and then 5 years ago when my husband and I wanted to move to a more "lock and leave" home so we could travel more. I condensed important memories and papers into a large plastic container labeled Sentimental Items, went through 40+ years of photo albums to remove duplicates, landmark scenes from trips, etc and digitized them giving a memory card to each of my kids and creating a large professional photo box of important memories of my dad when he died. I three items that had been passed down from my mother (two that had been her mother's) but that is it for sentimentality and design purposes. Every year I go through drawers and closets, disposing of items no longer used. It's part of the art of Swedish Death Cleaning which has simplified my life - and ultimately those of my kids in the future.