Downsizing, To Move or Not to Move? That is the Question

At the age of seventy, my now deceased husband and I moved from our large 4500 sq ft home in MA to a small two bedroom two bath 1000 sq ft coop overlooking the Hudson River in NY. We wanted to live close to our children and grandkids so we could spend more time with them. But what to do with all those “things” after our two daughters chose what they wished to have? I decided “where” to put them is not the issue. Instead, I decided that if any one item did not bring me joy I would part with it. There’s always a home for no longer needed treasures. Also, if I presently buy something new for my home, it is an upgrade requiring that I need to simultaneously part with an item to make room for it. That concept works for me. I hope it works for others too. Bela Ruth

Due to violent circumstance & the bone burning cold of Lake Erie winters, I packed the barest things I could put in an extra long duffle bag & got on a train to WA. I knew no one there. Was invited to come stay til I could find a place, so I ran for my life. I took my 12 yr old son, but the 4 grown children stayed there. They had their own lives. I was healthy then, but didn't know a thing of the world, & it ate me. That was 97. It was also the last time my 5 children spoke to me. They were angry I left. But there is much they don't know I had to do to make sure they didn't do without. They will never know. I've been here in WA, had to move to ever smaller places, then I was accepted to Section 8 just as it closed. Otherwise I'd still be sleeping in a Camry with my service dog on Post where the MPs would pass by to check on us as we were parked in front of the laundrette, because the landlord of the cottage I was in he would enter while I slept or was gone to work. It was not safe. But I knew we'd be safe on Post. It was Feb. It took 3 legal aid lawyers to get free of the contractof that person that sent pictures of inside my cottage while I was gone to work. I felt violated. I lost all my deposit, give things away to soldiers families, but a friend I worked for paid for a truck, got help to move, & a deposit to get out of there as soon as the voyeur who demanded I obey him, agreed to the terms of the lawyers. I had already had everything I had left packed. With their help I was gone in 4hrs to where I safely am now. But still, only 1 daughter would talk with me, & one day she died. 25 yrs old in another state & I had no funds to go there. There was no point. My children's dad is very well off. My son that came with me left me because his dad had no ey & I didn't. The other 4 still would not speak to me. I have never understood the reason. I would try at birthdays to send at least an I love you message. silence. It finally shattered me when I read what someone wrote in a book, "Are you thinking more of them than they are if you?" I remember my hands falling from the book & staring at nothing. Then I thought of the boxes of memory things I still had from 97 that I brought with me of my children & took less clothes to make space for them. It was very painful, but with a friend's help, I slowly began going thru every box, giving so much to her to give to anyone who was in need, that she made trips. I asked the now 3 remaining children if they at least wanted the box if photos. no. So I put some on walls, but the rest is in the last box. I live bareboned as I can. Physically it is easier for me now at 68 & dealing with so many health things from being a laborer all the yrs I've been here. SS & a small L&I pension, a different service pup, thank you Lord for the Section 8 still, but I have more space here without the memory boxes, & with Time, less heartache. Was easier giving away kitchen & other things than things they had given me when they were small children. But I kept telling myself it will help or give a smile to a child somewhere. Many of the things have did. I am greatly blessed. God has watched over me & just when I thought at times I was going to have to live in the 96 Ford Explorer with my service pup on Post somewhere again, He made a way we could stay here. & we are safe. My retired military friend I worked all this yrs for, he & his family are still here for me. There not much here now, enough though. I am content. My oldest daughter started sending me msgs one day & I abide by the rule I can write back when she writes first & no talking Past things. I can do that gladly if it means hearing her. So pup & I are doing well, we are safe, we go to Base or Post so she can run while snail walk with my hiking pole. Two days ago I walked the whole perimeter of the hidden pond! Yesterday only half, but I still did it! Be grateful for every blessing no matter if it's just a few steps. I get to watch the C-17s every day & the CH-47s. My blood is ARMY green. Thank you Dad who served in N. Africa & Italy, thank you my brother who came back in body from Nam then vanished, & I pray for every soldiers & their fa6i see every day. I stop for VETS & welcome them home. I will NEVER forget. All I've been thru, nothing compared to my soldiers, The Boots. They kept me safe as my pup & I slept cold in a car on Post. I have the honor of watching them every day & watch in awe as another C-17 lifts off. My Boots have been my encouragement to "keep movin". I have fought with fear & tears, but I'm still standing. I have a 1 bedroom apt with a washer/dryer, my truck is still working, my retired 1st Sergeant & his family still help, the other friend still hauls off more I downsize though there's not much left. But I enjoy the open space. & my last memory box of photos. I was welcomed to volunteer to help my VETS as an honorary RANGERS VET, (even though the recruiter wouldn't accept me when I was 18), at a VA golf course. HOOYAH! My heart near breaks with pride & honor for each one I'm getting to know. & I'm learning to truly smile & laugh. So the bottom line of all this? downsizing has been a blessing though at times a painful one, I keep asking 'Is this a need or a want & will I use it this week?' If the answer it's a want & no it won't get used, it goes into the Give Box. I enjoy filling those kinds of boxes. I'm free.💜🐕‍🦺

Please forgive my PS.

PS: I hear our Lord ask me what have I learned from the fraction of my 24 loooong yrs here starting new? To be thankful, to give grace, to look people in the eyes & see their silent hurting & loneliness & reach out my hand, to NEVER walk passed a VET with a Vietnam cap or any military cap on without stopping to say Welcome Home, I will NEVER forget.
To not judge the homeless or anyone with a sign, I give if I can. What they do with it is between them & God. It's none of my business. To pray that those in tents are warm, safe & that the Lord would bless them with their needs, for but for Him, I too might have had a cart with my downsized needs & a box of photos. He watches over me. He make a way for me to give back even if it is but a thank you & a smile. My heart means every word. & He has taught me what it truly means to be humbled. To see what is truly important. Things aren't. People are. I love you Boots.

Just finished reading all the interesting feedbacks on this subject. I am 88 years old. At this point I am alone. My husband passed away. We were married for 59 years. Shortly after that I had to have a full hip replacement. So I had to go through this alone. 2022 for me will be the year that goes down in infamy. Have no idea what 2023 will bring. I am not a year out of surgery and almost healed. Have an appointment with my surgeon next month. My husband and I have been (and I still am) living in a 55 plus community so we do not have a large home. So far in spite of my advanced age I am doing okay. With the help of a cleaning person I do everything myself. But the big question is for how long? I decided to look at some assisted living options while I still can. What I found is that while the people are friendly, the accommodations are small and the rents go up every year. Very little about them appeals to me. Next I will have to explore the cost of having someone come in to care for me. But the biggest problem is that no one can predict what will happen next. Will I even need assisted living? If so what kind will I need? The questions are endless and there are no answers until something actually happens.

@thisismarilynb You're absolutely correct, there is no way to forecast what we might need in the future. Good for you for thinking about it now, when you have less pressure to make decisions. Looking at all your options, writing down the pros and cons if you need to, may help make things even clearer.

Do you have access to a senior services office that might help you with critical questions you have?
Ginger

Marilyn, my Mom was able to choose a residence with a "continuum of care" from independent to minimal assistance to full assistance. They had a related full care skilled nursing home, but she never needed that. We were able to add services as she needed (she wouldn't live with either my sister or me.) It was the best solution for our family. She started in a 2br apartment, and when she no longer cooked or did her own laundry, moved to a 1br. (This was after she and my Dad gradually downsized from 2story to 1story to an accessible mobile home, shedding stuff at every step. ) My in-laws stayed in their own home until they each needed skilled care - 7 years apart. There is a different path for each of us.
Sue

Yes, that is true - there is a different path for each of us. I did not like the smallness of the rooms. I have mild claustrophobia and am afraid I will feel too closed in. I enjoy being quiet. I like to read and work on jigsaw puzzles. My guess is that they want the residents not to stay in their small rooms, but to be out playing their games. This is not for me at this time. I am still having a very difficult time with my husband's death, especially at night. Sometimes the anguish is so severe I can't even cry - just scream. I can do this in my own home, but not there. I am still cooking and doing laundry. In fact I went grocery shopping today as I am having a couple of friends over for dinner on Wednesday. I will be making everything myself. My fervent hope is that I can continue this way until the one morning I don't wake up.
Happy New Year to you all.

No I don't. In fact I am not sure I even know what a senior services office is. I am so used to do things on my own and not asking questions. Just google. I find that most of those facilities are for people who have very low incomes. In addition to my Social Security I have a small income from my husband's employer. The two combined means I can manage on my own if I am careful.

This is Bela. I can identify with you, Marilyn! We’re similar in age, and both widows in a long marriage.
I am 85 years of age and my dear husband died eight years ago from an accident in elective surgery. I was devastated for three years. After having been happily married for 51 1/2 years, I decided that living alone in a rambling house was not my cup of tea. I now live in a coop that I own with 100 other resident unit owners, and I have downsized from owning a big house to a two bedroom two bath 1000 sq. foot dwelling. I gave away anything that did not bring me joy, or did not fit into my new space. As you already mentioned, we cannot predict our health conditions over time. But what I can say is that I enjoy my smaller space, and it’s river view, and if the time comes that I need assistance, my plan is to have a caretaker sleep in the other bedroom, and finally make use of my long-term care for payment. That’s the plan for my future health care. That’s the best plan that I can come up with at this time. Our future health is a big question mark, so we can only plan up to a point.
I would go by your instincts, and not move to an assisted living space if your heart is not happy with that choice.

You certainly brought up some eye opening points about assistant living lifestyle. While volunteering in Florida working at a shelter assisting the Hurricane Ian survivors my husband and I did crisis management and many of the older people straight out refused to consider Assistant Living.

At first we were confused why they turned down what seemed to be the idea option but after finding out how assistant living worked we understood.

It’s a very expensive option and similar to nursing home arrangements. Basically, all your money goes to the faculty with a small amount allocated to you.

Those who turned down the offer stated they can find an apartment cheaper and still budget to live within their income. Lastly, they wanted to live their lives independently as best they could and as long as their health allowed.

That experience certainly gave us more to reflect on as we age regarding our co-dependent care. Hopefully, our children will be able to help.

Thanks for sharing and wishing you a healthier New Year.