To move near family or stay put

I believed my adult son and his wife when they encouraged me to move near them, but when I got there, their tune changed. When I was told, the second time, that if I needed to go to the hospital they would take me, but they wouldn't come in with me, they would just let me out to go in by myself, that I realized it wasn't a good place for me to be. There were other suttle signals, my son promising to do some work on my house and then having him call me to tell me that he wouldn't be able to do it - until he had finished every task on the own home first. It was a very uncomfortable time, but I decided to move back to where I had started from. My friends welcomed me back with open arms, but my son and his wife no longer talk to me.

@celia16
It's not always possible for our kids to balance time with their family and us, and it is unfair in some ways to expect it. We have a responsibility to our children that is different than the responsibility we have to our parents. Similar to a work/life balance, there is also a child/parent balance. Not everyone is good at the balancing and the scales will always tip in favor of the child. We did everything we could for our children and they do everything they can for their children. Personally, I wouldn't want it any other way.

@kjoed53 , those are excellent points to consider. If I look at what has brought satisfaction to the seniors I see who have retired, I see those who are near amenities they can easily access such as medical facilities, grocery stores, pharmacy, restaurants, parks, etc. to be as positive factors. In some small communities transportation isn’t as available as larger cities, so being nearby services is crucial.

I work full time, but am also a caregiver for my mother, who is in a nursing home. Previously, I cared for her and my father in the home. Her current care still requires a lot of my time almost daily. I stay nearby to facilitate that. But based on what I have observed over the last 10 years, it’s not common for adult children to devote a significant amount of time in visiting or attending to their parents’ care or needs, even if they live close by. People think it’ll certainly happen, but it’s surprising how often it doesn’t. The visits are often infrequent and the parents end up disappointed and relying on friends and hired professionals. My parent’s friends often tell me they are shocked and dismayed.

So, I would talk to many of your peers to see what they are experiencing. Adult children pay caregiving, visiting, etc. their parents lip service, but in realty, it might not pan out. No judgment, no blame…..but it’s often the case even when living in the same city. You know your kids, but I’d really be cautious before moving from a place you love and that will meet your needs in the future.

I'm single, 82 years old and still getting-by okay, but I'm a long distance away from my nearest child. I make life changes easily and "travel light", so I'm planning to move close to my elder son eventually. I've already resolved that I won't expect them to change their way of life. I will let them initiate any "visits" that they might want with me. My mother was the same way. She used to tell me, "I don't want to be a burden to you kids". I'm that way also.

@hoppy43
My Mom used to say that to my brother and I as well. Didn't quite work out that way. I resent it. My own kids have already let me know they aren't going to be as attentive to me as I have been to my Mom. I don't want them to - I'd like them to have a chance to live their own lives. I'm still taking care of my 91 year old Mom at the age of 66. Husband's health is failing, mine is getting worse - by the time we have the chance to live our own lives, we won't have any life left to live.

@lylii Unfortunately, this is the most likely reality. I'm a bright and young 74, but we have no parents left, my wife and I, and we've learned a few things. First, thank God for aged adults who realize they shouldn't demand too much from, or impose upon, their children in their final two years of life. If those children are in their 70's there's little they can do except to offer transport now and then, sit with them in hospital ERs, pick up something at the store or at the post office, maybe install a stick vacuum bracket in a closet....that kind of thing. In my Dad's final days I was swapping toilet seats so that he could deal with his urinary catheter more easily. He kept wanting bigger ones so he could reach between his legs better. I offered to drive him every Thursday to his singing group because it was not a great imposition, he loved the experience and routine, and I wanted him happy. Oh, and I got to get a brisk 45 minute walk in while he sang with his group. That was gold to me because I couldn't spend much time away from my ailing wife. !!!!!!!

My Dad prized his autonomy. He passed his driver's license at 95, ten months before he passed via MAID. MAID as in, 'I'm going out when I want to, thanks very much.' He did most of his own grocery shopping, but he was frail and fell easily. The burden, because I was handy, became frequent and almost onerous. He would call at odd hours needing to be taken to the hospital, and I was it. He wouldn't dream of calling for an ambulance.

Think this through if your parent won't....or can't. There is a substantial cost, and one of them should NOT be resentment. Take it from me.

I am moving closer to my family for their sake not mine so they don’t have travel to check on me.

@janetexmsrrose That's what I'm thinking......I have lived in NYC my whole life (grew up, education, career, medical) but as my friends die off, family have all moved away, colleagues spread all over USA......I wonder what is best choice.....sister & family live in Calif and Colorado.