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Strategies for spouses of hearing impaired

Posted by gmhigbee @gmhigbee, Jun 5, 2024

Looking for some strategies to help when living with a hearing impact spouse. My husband has hearing loss due to many years in industrial construction. He’s got hearing aides but wears them very little complaining I wore earplugs my entire working career.

One of my frustration is when I say something to him, he might say what? Then I repeat the question and he’ll respond. I’ve learned that most of the time he hears it the first time, processes what I’ve said and then answers. So many times I only ask once and pause for him to respond.

Another frustrating moment comes as we’re talking and he’ll act like he’s hearing, but I believe my tone is hard for him to hear, then he tunes out. When I say did you hear what I said, he’ll say yes, then I ask him to repeat what I said and I realize he did not. Many times he hears bits and pieces and creates a story because he doesn’t want to acknowledge he simply cannot hear.

We do have one strategy that works well for us and that is I get his attention and say “focus” and that works but just casual conversations are challenging.

Any strategies appreciated.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Hearing Loss Support Group.

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judysmayo | @judysmayo | Jun 9, 2024

I have had Hearing Loss for about 20 years but now my husband also has HL and I am having trouble adjusting because I still think he will hear me no matter what’s going on. I usually call out “hello” to see if he is on the same floor and then I ask him what room he’s in. His hearing loss isn’t that bad so he can usually localize where I am. I still think I can talk to him from the other room and he’ll hear me, but I won’t hear his answer. I heard that it’s the person’s responsibility that wants to talk to go to the other person. That could work except when I have a question and I’m working on the computer and I need him to look at it.

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tmelin | @tmelin | Jun 9, 2024
In reply to @julieo4 "I encourage you to look into starting an HLAA chapter in Rochester. That way you will..." + (show)
Profile picture for Julie, Volunteer Mentor @julieo4

I encourage you to look into starting an HLAA chapter in Rochester. That way you will get some support from an established organization. Support groups can be so helpful. Not just to the person with hearing loss, but to their family members and friends who are willing to sit back and listen to their stories with an open mind. Learning about auditory fatigue, assistive technology, speech processing, etc. is priceless. There's no cost to develop an HLAA chapter, but there is a great deal of support that can be gained through HLAA. http://www.hearingloss.org for information.

I did this myself many years ago. I can't begin to explain how much I've learned from other people with hearing loss. I've had wonderful audiologists and ENT specialists through my 50 years living with poor hearing but can honestly say I have learned more about living well with it, and being able to explain it to others from the PEOPLE I've met through HLAA than from any of the professionals. Good luck to you.
Here's a thought to ponder. Do you know that it takes a person with hearing loss an average of 5 seconds to respond to a basic question they are asked (especially in a setting with background noise)? 5 seconds feels like 10 minutes to someone waiting for an answer. What do others think when that happens? Why does it happen?

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Thanks Julie.

I previously contacted HLAA in Minneapolis (the closest chapter) and found that if I wanted to connect with them in person I would have to drive 80miles each way. I think there is a need for face to face discussion of our Hearing Loss issues. So your idea of starting a chapter in Rochester is a good one. I will look into it. Thanks.

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Julie, Volunteer Mentor | @julieo4 | Jun 9, 2024
In reply to @tmelin "Thanks Julie. I previously contacted HLAA in Minneapolis (the closest chapter) and found that if I..." + (show)
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Thanks Julie.

I previously contacted HLAA in Minneapolis (the closest chapter) and found that if I wanted to connect with them in person I would have to drive 80miles each way. I think there is a need for face to face discussion of our Hearing Loss issues. So your idea of starting a chapter in Rochester is a good one. I will look into it. Thanks.

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If you can gather 4 or 5 people who experience hearing loss it will grow from there. Back in the day (1983) when I started the chapter in Appleton WI, I arranged for a room at our local library and went to our local newspaper and asked them to publicize a special meeting for people with hearing loss. That drew over 50 people to that meeting. A group of 11 offered to work together to make a chapter happen. HLAA Fox Valley Chapter grew from there. It's a bit different today with Facebook and other forms of communication, but the local news can still be of help if they are willing.

The medical professionals can also be helpful if you can get printed information to them to share with patients. They can't give you names. National HLAA might be able to help you by providing the list of members/donors in the Rochester area. Carla Bayer-Smolin is the staff member in charge of chapter development. cbeyersmolin@hearingloss.org is her e-mail address.

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choloid | @choloid | Jun 29 10:39pm

I'm very hard of hearing but do use hearing aids. Still, I have trouble with consonants, higher pitched voices, the telephone. Louder isn't always clearer. I also feel somewhat isolated. At a friend's place sitting on an open deck with 8 or 9 people talking and laughing, I couldn't process quickly enough to keep up. I told them I was HOH but I still got left out. Wisecracks, jokes, spontaneous out-of-context comments go unheard and the moment is lost. Having to repeat the punch line kills the laugh. It is really isolating when something said isn't understood by me and they say "oh, nevermind. It's not important." But it is to me! I ask them to say it again, they yell which distorts the sound and everyone gets really frustrated. Grrrr

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Julie, Volunteer Mentor | @julieo4 | Jul 1 1:57pm
In reply to @choloid "I'm very hard of hearing but do use hearing aids. Still, I have trouble with consonants,..." + (show)
Profile picture for choloid @choloid

I'm very hard of hearing but do use hearing aids. Still, I have trouble with consonants, higher pitched voices, the telephone. Louder isn't always clearer. I also feel somewhat isolated. At a friend's place sitting on an open deck with 8 or 9 people talking and laughing, I couldn't process quickly enough to keep up. I told them I was HOH but I still got left out. Wisecracks, jokes, spontaneous out-of-context comments go unheard and the moment is lost. Having to repeat the punch line kills the laugh. It is really isolating when something said isn't understood by me and they say "oh, nevermind. It's not important." But it is to me! I ask them to say it again, they yell which distorts the sound and everyone gets really frustrated. Grrrr

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@choloid Your experience is typical. It really helps to find a group of people who understand what you're going through so you can talk about it openly. HLAA chapters are the absolute best for that. However, they have to exist. Check out chapters at http://www.hearingloss.org If there isn't a chapter in your area, consider starting one.

I realize that sounds a bit crazy. It means going public with an invisible disability. There are 50 million people in the USA who experience hearing loss. There are millions more who 'live with it' because someone they live with has it. Some things we who have it have to accept as our reality. But we do not have to be insulted or treated like lesser human beings!

Are you using hearing assistive technology that goes beyond your hearing aids? It doesn't change everything, but it can help a great deal. Small hand held microphones that can be used in what we call 'the cocktail party environment' can make a difference in those noisy setting conversations. Still, it is far easier to listen to one person that to try to understand all that is being said in a group across the room. We have to accept this. It helps to have a significant other who can be your helper in situations like you explained. And sometimes you just have to smile and be there.

Too many hard of hearing people (HOHP) decide to stop being social. Some quit doing things they once enjoyed. Many become depressed due to isolation. It's so important to find ways to cope. There are many strategies that others can use to help you, but they have to learn what they are. It's not easy to teach them as you've pointed out. They forget what you need. They don't realize that saying 'Never mind it wasn't important' makes you feel unimportant.

My granddaughter and I published a book called Can She Hear this Cat's Meow? a few years ago. She shared how she learned to use strategies from childhood on to adulthood to include her HOH grandmother (me) in family gatherings. This story tells of living with Grandma's hearing loss from a kids perspective. It is a 'family book' rather than a children's book. It's available on Amazon. I am not self promoting this. I mention it because it shares more coping skills than can be included here.

Good information can be found at http://www.hearingloss.org and on technology at: https://centerforhearingaccess.org/

Don't let hearing loss get you down. I wish you the best. Sometimes Grrr helps! Seriously. Shouting doesn't help clarity. Reality.

Julieo4

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