Son estranged due to controlling spouse

@beatrice20, you're right. This is a support group. I moved your other discussion to this related discussion, so that you can connect with others who have had similar experiences navigating changes as our children choose their partners and build their families.
- Son estranged due to controlling spouse https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/son-estranged-due-to-controlling-spouse/

On this forum, we only have text to communicate without the benefit of enhancing our messages with tone of voice or body language. I encourage you to re-read @newrochelle1131's post. I'm confident that her intent was to be supportive and offer a different perspective as does @IndianaScott and others.

For all.
Friendly reminder of the Community Guidelines (https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/about-connect/tab/community-guidelines/), especially guidelines number 2

2. Remain respectful at all times.
- Exercise tolerance and respect toward other participants whose views may differ from your own. Disagreements are fine, but mutual respect is a must.
- Realize that sarcasm and joking will often be misunderstood.
- Be inclusive. Not everyone shares the same religious or political beliefs. Don't impose your beliefs on others.
- Avoid comments (even when said in jest) that single out a specific group of people.
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As I’m reading these posts my heart certainly goes out to you all. I’m going on 63 years old and have been married to my wonderful wife for nearly 39 years. I have always tried to balance her parents and my parents while keeping her my first priority. Though our son was never kept from being with any grandparents he did favor mine and my wife was ok with that.
He’s now a married man and his wife is a very emotionless person and shows no signs of thankfulness at times of gift giving (we are far from being cheap!) anyway, this bothers my wife very much plus the fact they don’t have children. I just try to overlook things though sometimes I feel hurt as well.
Anyway, when I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer 8 1/2 years ago, the first thing my wife asked for was for my parents to make the 1850 mile trip to stay with us during my treatments. My mom, being a retired nurse gave her all taking care of me. Now my wife wants them to come live with us as they are needing help; we are working on it!
When I was visiting them last fall my mom had some heart problems and was hospitalized. My brother, who has been married a couple times and has lived with a couple different women didn’t even go see her while she was in the hospital. This bothers me yet still. My parents have given him and his children so much and he wasn’t there for her; was it because of the woman he is with? I found out that he didn’t go see my mom on his day off because he did a bbq for his girlfriend’s parents, YUP!!!
When my parents need help they rely on a cousin because my brother can never make it there! One time she was cutting down a tree for them and my brother stopped by and asked what she was doing; she told him, thinking he would help her but NOPE, he was heading to the river to go fishing, fishing!!!
Growing up I had an aunt that kept their children from seeing our grandparents, why, we never knew? My uncle would stop on his way home from work to visit his parents but his children were kept away. I saw the hurt this caused and then years later she kept all of them from associating with any of us. This really hurt my dad as he only had one sibling. As years went by things did change but we never forgot.
Sorry for venting but I just want you all to know that it does happen. I am so thankful that my wife and I never let this happen to us.
Hang in there and keep hope of change, if you’re a Christian allowing God to be in control over your family will someday show change. Sometimes we only see our own picture and are unaware of the whole picture.
Best wishes
MOJO

This is so sad and he should be ashamed of himself. He will regret this some day. He's a Dad now and will eventually feel the pain of not having you in his and his daughter's life.

Yes, once married certainly your wife comes first - as it should be.
But the Moms here are talking about something else. What about the middle way?
To become completely estranged from one's family simply because you are now married, is that right? Of course not. I could write a book about my late brother and his wife...she never, ever even wanted him around my parents or his only sibling - me. The rudeness, unkind and insulting behaviors she displayed towards my dear parents was beyond comprehension. My parents treated her like gold - because they/me knew we would lose my brother if we didn't - DESPITE all the terrible, uncalled for things she did to us. Certainly my brother was aware of her behaviors and to avoid turmoil in his marriage, just let it all happen. He never addressed it and my parents nor myself did either We simply ignored it all. Why? To keep the peace. He was an alcoholic and she put up with him...& he didn't want to lose her - so he said nothing to her to try to change her ways towards my family. And in the end, she "won out" in a sense. My brother got sober, our mother left us an unexpected large inheritance and my poor brother never got to enjoy a cent of it. He died shortly after my Mom. So, my sister in law - who wouldn't give my Dad or Mom the time of day - ended up with a ton of money from my parents. Of course, one would say "well, it's his wife, it's only right!" My brother left everything to her & ignored his only nephew (my son) because she would get "mad" if he gave my son a dollar. And he could have gifted him something - there was plenty to go around. No surprise, she hated children and they never had any. As per their instructions, there was no service of any kind for him. But I did organize a "remembrance luncheon" for our remaining family and his close friends. My brother deserved that. Everyone came, he was a great & funny guy. But she got mad at me and was a no show. But she didn't really care. As fully expected by me, she literally took the $$ and cut what little, mean ties she had with me. I haven't heard a word from her in 8 years & I never will. I would have keep in contact with her, because she reminded me of my brother but again, no surprise, she wanted nothing to do with me while my brother was living - why would she now when he's dead? Is it fair she gets to enjoy my parent's hard earn money and the entire time she was in our family (40 years) treated my parents so incredibly mean? I don't care about myself but my poor parents, what they put up with not to lose my brother. Such is life, right? I more than sympathize with the good Moms, now completely ignored, by what was a good son to them before they got married. It's very sad, the power of a wife who is jealous of her husband's family and wants her husband only to herself. There is always the middle way. Hang in there, Moms. Take care of your own physical and emotional health. You are worth it!!

@beatrice20 She DOES come first.

A mother is not a sexual partner nor the mother of a man’s children. If their marriage is happy you’re no longer his primary confidant nor primary support.

Your relationship is now completely different. He no longer revolves around your sun. He’s got a new sun.

To understand that major change in your son’s life is to start a fresh understanding of the boundaries between you and your son and his wife and your role in their lives.

I don’t mean to be hurtful but helpful.

It should be a time of wonderful freedom for you to pursue your own interests, while being a loving but more distanced presence in their lives.

It will be so helpful to you to focus on living and developing your own life. Supporting others in your position to do the same.

To try and tug at your son is a no win situation. It pushes him further away. He’ll be happy to see you when that stress is gone.

I wish you joy in your new life and your freedom to be the best version of you and not a restricted primary care giver 🙏❤️‍🩹