Son estranged due to controlling spouse

Posted by pjane53 @pjane53, May 7, 2024

My son & I were always very close. I have two children, he’s the older one. The one that made me a mother & opened up my world to loving unconditionally and so deeply that at times I was completely awe struck. We remained close until he met a particular woman, married her & became completely enmeshed with her family. I’m leaving a lot out here but bottom line, he’s completely controlled by her and her mother. He lives with her parents, it’s very dysfunctional. If you told me this is the person he’d choose, I would have said you’re crazy, it would never happen. It did happen & now they have a daughter, she’s 3.
I am not allowed over their house, my son has cut me out of his life and he’s also estranged from his sister. His life is his wife’s family & he’s turned into a person that gaslight’s, blames my daughter & I for everything under the sun and plays the victim all while jumping through hoops of fire for his wife and her family. I’ve tried ever which way to approach this. I sought therapy for healthy guidance and nothing changes. I miss the person I used to know as my son. Does anyone have any experience/thoughts about how to remain in a healthy frame of mind as I navigate through life without my son or granddaughter (and they just live 10 minutes down the road from me)
Thank you 🙏

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seawiz33 | @seawiz33 | Feb 16 11:30am

I feel your pain, nevertheless, deep within my soul, I am at ease knowing that I have always been a great dad.
We cannot dictate, not demand who our children decide to share their lives with, however, we can, and must
make it abundantly clear, that we love them. I’ve prayed for serenity, and peace is now my comfort.

crabby55 | @crabby55 | Feb 16 10:37pm

In my case it's my oldest daughter that hasn't talked to me in years. I can't even recollect how many. My guess is over 13 years now. She and I had been real close at one time. She was always a bit difficult. I set boundaries that she didn't like. She moved out of state maybe 12 years ago. At first I would very occasionally get a note from her. Asking for a recipe or maybe thanking me for sending her a card or money. One or two lines, nothing more. I thought it would keep the door open. I came to my senses. I still think of her at times and wonder how she is doing. I am close with my younger daughter who lives an hour away. Even she doesn't hear from her sister anymore. When I did do some estate planning years back my attorney told me best to leave her 30%. When I redid my estate planning I had written in that if I still hadn't spoken to that daughter, she will receive nothing. It is very sad. I know she hasn't made good choices. I did all I could do . I think she just backed herself into a corner emotionally and can't get out....unable to reach out.

bob49 | @bob49 | Feb 24 10:18am

This is so familiar. My brother married a girl in 1978. Before she would marry him, she demanded he get a vasectomy. It was obvious right away that she wore the pants in the house. Within a short time the relationship with his family started changing. Visits became few and far between. They lived 15 minutes from mom and dad, and sometimes it would be 6 months before they would see him. He told his mom that Mother's Day was just a "Hallmark Day". He and I live 50 minutes apart. I've seen him 4 times in 40 years, 1 wedding and 3 funerals. I last saw him 10 years ago when mom passed. We had a good relationship for a little over a month. As soon as her estate was settled, I never heard from him again. She divided her estate equally with him. I guess this situation is more common than I realized.