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Should I tell his estranged parents that he is in hospital behavioral?
Should I tell his estranged parents that he is in the hospital for mental health problems?
My 35 year old son is high school pals with P. I know P and his parents. P got angry with his parents and stopped talking with them about a year ago.
Yesterday, a local hospital left a vague message on my son's phone. He thought it was about me (his mom) or my husband (his dad), so he called us to check that we were OK. We were OK but the phone message got all of us worried.
It turns out that his friend P uses our son as his emergency contact person. And P was in the behavioral health unit of the hospital. Our son told us that the message was about P.
Our son is really stressed about being the contact person. He wants to do the right thing but doesn't know what to do. The hospital hasn't even called back to explain what is going on with P, what will happen, what P needs now and when he gets out, etc. Nothing. Frankly, I have no experience in this area and my husband and I have no ideas.
Except one.
We think that maybe we should let P's parents know that P is in the hospital. Our son thinks that we should not tell them because P has been angry with them.
I think that maybe P's anger with his parents is part of his mental health illness, like a symptom. P has ended a lot of relationships with friends, other relatives (sibling and aunt) and co-workers in the last few years. Our son is one of the last people in his life.
My husband and I only know P's parents socially and from the time our children hung out together all the time-- like all the time, so we heard a lot about P and his family. They seem like really nice normal folk. They were really supportive of P all through high school, college, and his brief marriage and divorce. We don't think that they caused the problem. P is adopted and so is his sibling. Their estrangement seemed to be caused by sibling rivalry, at least in part, from what P told our son. Since I have known P since he was a kid, I did try once to suggest gently that he try again with his parents, but P was not interested. I realize that no one really knows what goes on in a family...But I saw his parents go toe to toe with HS administrators in defense of P when he had an issue in HS one time.
We don't know anything about the hospital except that P is there in the behavioral health unit. We don't know how he got there, when, diagnosis, nothing.
Please, everyone, if you can, take a minute to weigh in here. We want to do the best for P, but we don't know what "the best thing" is.
Should we tell his parents that he is in the hospital or not?
Thank you so much for sharing from your hard-earned experience.
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@annewoodmayo You asked, so I will answer.
My 46 yo niece has repeatedly been in and out of contact with my brother and his wife throughout adolescence and adulthood, even though they ended up completely raising on of her kids, and did/do interact a lot with the 20yo. They have also provided unwavering financial support for her, even when she was ghosting them. There are years of unpleasant history (nobody is innocent here.)
My sister and I have often been her safety valve, until we too say something she doesn't want to hear, then she will ghost us as well until the next crisis.
But, every time she has been hospitalized, whether for mental or physical health, my sister or I have made sure her parents know where she is. The last time was literally this past week, when she called my sister for a ride home after minor surgery.
We take no action beyond that, figuring it is up to each of them what to do next.
Just my 2 cents worth.
Sue
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5 ReactionsThanks, Sue, and thanks, John!
Is anyone else out there? 🙂
Tell his parents. They need to know.
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1 Reaction@annewoodmayo It's a difficult position to be placed in. Unless your son has power of attorney and health care advocate position for his friend, his parents will be the ones to field decisions in the event they are needed. And for them to have no knowledge of what is going on, could be pretty danged upsetting to them.
I think they need to be made aware of the situation. Your son can gently tell his friend that he'll be there for him, but cannot make decisions. Sometimes in throes of instability, we make our mind up to exclude those who are on our side. It sounds like P may have done this.
Bless you for thinking of him, and how to help. Please let me know how it all works out?
Ginger
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3 ReactionsYou can ask anything about him but the hospital is under no obligation to answer your question. We have HIPPA laws. This law prevents any doctor or hospital from providing health information to the parents or any friend about the patient that is under their care.
In the United States a hospital or doctor can be sued for giving this information to anybody unless the patient gives the ok by a letter saying that his parents or anyone else can get his confidential information.
Even a doctor needs to get a subpoena to be allowed access to confidential medical or mental information.
This is why doctors or hospitals make you sign a permission slip allowing his/her information to be given to whoever they feel needs to know.
A person’s health records are protected from being disclosed to anyone. If for some unknown reason you need the patient’s medical information as a parent or friend. The patient must approve it by signing a form.
By telling his parents you are giving the patient’s confidential information. The hospital or doctor must have consent from the patient. Only law enforcement can request the information for whatever reason and possibly get it. It’s a slippery slope. Health charts belong to the patient unless the doctor is given consent to give someone or another doctor your information. Doing so is against federal law.
I suggest you have him tell his parents not you. What would be the reason for divulging this information to his parents. If he is a minor the parents need a court order to get his information.
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2 Reactions@annewoomayo - I think Andy is worried about you disclosing confidential medical information.
HIPAA disclosure provisions do not extend to a friend telling his parents WHERE he is. Your son legitimately got the information about hospitalization because he was listed by his friend as his emergency contact. He should avoid sharing any information about the friend that he gets from staff regarding diagnosis or treatment.
Sue
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5 ReactionsThank you, all!
I can't convince my son that telling P's parents is the correct course of action. I'm very disappointed, but I don't want my son to cut me off, too. This is a very unhappy situation.
Anne
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3 ReactionsSince they have been friends for a long time, does your son have contact with any siblings he might be willing to notify? Or can he convince his friend to let someone In his extended family know he is OK?
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2 ReactionsThanks for the hugs, everyone. It seems a little strange to me, but your hug reactions do make me feel better.
Sue, thanks for the suggestion. There's one sibling, and she's been cut off, too. I don't know the other relatives. My son said that P cut off his aunt because she was spying for his parents. So sad.
It's been 7 days since the hospital first called my son. He has called back the number everyday, and NO ONE has called him with an update. In 7 days! I offered to call, but my son says "no."
This seems like it might turn out to be a disaster for his friend P. I feel like I'm watching a train wreck in slow motion.
Thanks for your support, folks!!
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2 ReactionsHello, kind people,
Update from my son- My son was able to speak with a person at the number from which the hospital called him the first day. The person said, "I don't have that name," and then hung up the phone. Son's friend P is not responding to text messages.
Son does not want my help in this matter, even though I am available during business hours when son is working. My son's refusal of my offer to help was pretty hurtful. I try to keep in mind that he is very stressed about the situation.
So, we know nothing. I don't know what my son plans to do next, if anything.
You all have been so kind. I will post another update if I ever find out more information. Thank you for all of your support.