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Severe Body Dysmorphia - Please Help
I am wondering if anyone can relate to this type of overwhelming body dysmorphia.
It's debilitating. Seeing a single photo of myself can trigger me into a spiral of suicidal thoughts. Some days I can't even stand the feeling of my fingers touching each other, my breathing, or heartbeat because it grosses me out that I am this person. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I just want to get out of this body. The weird thing is I don't even think I'm ugly, sometimes I'd even say I'm pretty, but I just think I'm disgusting and weird. Thinking of doing self care - doing my favourite things, it makes me feel bad, like anything I enjoy (tv shows, music, food) is stupid and gross.
It severely affects my life too. I don't date at all because the thought of anyone being close to me or choosing me seems so unbeliveable, and in a way to makes me feel gross too. I get scared that men would find me repulsive, and everything about me embarrassing. I desperately want to date but can't bring myself to.
Then I feel even worse because I'm so alone. All of my siblings and friends are in long term relationships except for me. It feels so humiliating knowing I'm 27 years old and have never even spoken to someone romantically. It feels like this huge weight over my head.
I only take good care of myself so I make good impressions at work, so I can pay my bills. That's the only thing keeping me here. I've spoken to therapists and counsellors about how I feel, but none of the work I do with them shakes the physical feeling of thinking I'm the most foul person on earth.
Every time I enjoy something it's a gut reaction to be disgusted by myself. Every interaction I have I can't stop thinking about how awkward and stupid I look and sound.
I don't know what made me this way. I think a part of it was the bullying I experienced when I was in my younger teens. I just wish it hadn't made such a mark and I could've turned out normal.
Does anyone else struggle with thoughts like this? How can I make it stop? I want to be normal.
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When we are bullied, we think it's our fault, that it's something about me that causes the bullying.
But bullying is really caused by things wrong in the bullying person and sometimes by a social sickness in the school or neighborhood.
It is really hard to get past this feeling that there is "something innately wrong with me."
I spent a lot of time trying different thoughts, noticing how my feelings followed my thoughts.
Eventually I began to have some ability to play with my feelings and thoughts and I got better at it.
Learning to just be here because we're all biological accidents can be very freeing.
My dog is just here, she doesn't have a reason or purpose beyond "now," and that can be a good way to be.
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2 Reactions@papersoup A lot of what @edsutton said is so true! When we are bullied, either overtly or by snide comments, no matter our age, it seems to plant a seed in our hearts and mind. And then it might grow into something seemingly out of our control. Nothing we seem to tell ourselves makes it better, makes us like ourselves better. Even on those "good days". We see ourselves through the eyes and comments of others, and it can be downright disheartening, right?!
I bet there are a lot of us here who have felt the same way you have expressed. While there is no magic pill to take, no magic words to say to make it better right away, here is what I have done. Think about those things you have accomplished that were what you wanted to do, and how happy you are to have done it. It doesn't have to be anything major. Did you plant a garden and things actually grew? Did you take a class you always wanted to study? Did you try a recipe that looked overwhelming and it turned out great? Did you train for a sporting event and then did it? Little things are still positive steps. Now, think of those who were bullying you. Maybe they were the popular kids in school; where are they now? Are they happy in their lives? You, by virtue of simply doing some things you wanted to do, and worked hard to do them, have triumphed. Yes, it takes repeatedly doing positive self-talk, but recognizing you have this dilemma, look at it as a challenge, and take it on! Do you think you could try this?
Ginger
I'm a 67 year old geezer who has never looked or felt "normal", whatever that is nowadays. I really don't like seeing myself in the bathroom mirrors, or in the reflection of a store window because I'm such a freak. Whenever my wife and I get back from running errands, or having a meal out and I use the bathroom it's just a reminder of how lucky I am to have a wife who isn't embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I've actually thanked her several times over the years for going out with a crazy old man like myself.
My avatar isn't Mr. Macabre for nothing, I've been a fan of anything Halloween, horror, Satanic, occult, evil, or dark my entire life. I've been a metal head since the late 70's, and listen to Death and/or Black metal music for several hours a day. I've worn a black concert or heathen T shirt everyday for more than 40 years, my collection of shirts fills up an entire closet by itself. I'm heavily tattooed in occult, pagan, Halloween, and Satanic artwork. I have longish hair and a long goatee, yet our 4 grandkids aren't afraid of me. I've also been told by family, friends, and coworkers that I look like a serial killer, which I've always taken as a compliment.
The point I'm trying, and failing to make is this, you are who you are, and nothing can change that(deep huh?). Just try and be your version of "normal", and don't worry about what other people's opinions are.