Adults On The Autism Spectrum

So you moved this discussion, but did you replace it? Sorry, I don’t mean to be obtuse.

It's still here, just now part of a larger new Autism group with multiple discussions on different topics related to autism.

Thank you

Hi, @windwalker - that truly is a big revelation that your boyfriend/husband is on the autism spectrum. If you are comfortable sharing, how did this come out?

@gingerw ....you touched my heart from across the miles with this song. I checked the mail box. No one has sent him a card in return. I'm so done. So over it I'm going to live my life with joy and purpose and be happy without rhem. It's their loss . Truly sad. But I think I have done everything I could.

True example of "we are better together. "

Thank you,

Mamacita Jane

@gingerw and @lisalucier I am so thrilled to see you both on the different Autism sites.
This particular one came about a little while back to meet and greet with Adults on the Autism Spectrum.

The latest additions go into a bit more detail as we learn together what the Autism experience feels like. Because if you've met one person with Autism, you've....met one person with Autism.

And then we have the mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, and uncles of children and teenagers who are or might possibly be on the Autism Spectrum. These are especially near and dear to our hearts because these young ones are presently growing up in a society that does not know quite what to do with them.
Their experiences run the gamut of somewhere between the young mother at a convenience store who tearfully shared with me that her child had been kicked out of school....to the proud mom of the teenager who has no clue that she has Aspergers. Straight A student, shy, keeps to herself, but has friends and a good life.

Many of us on the Spectrum believe that the best way to understand these children growing up is to talk with other Autistic people who have grown up. We have been where they are. In many ways we are still there. Our brain circuitry has not changed. We still think outside the box.

We still know that feeling of having been called to the principal's office and wondering what you're getting in trouble for today.

Pull up a seat. You are welcome here. We ask lots of questions. And sometimes we even have a few answers for you that ring true.

Love and light,
Mamacita Jane

My husband and I are 76 years old, and we just learned he is on the spectrum. We were high school sweethearts so many years ago, but his Spectrum related behaviors pushed me away from him. We were each each went on to haveCareers and marriages, but we met again at our 50th high school reunion. The spark was stronger than ever and I fell in love all over again with this highly intelligent, handsome, honest, love a man. But those are not his only traits. The same traits that pushed me away as a teenager, threatened to push me away again now.

I’m happy to say we found a wonderful marriage counselor with experience and helping adults on the spectrum. Now that she’s helped us understand that his behaviors I find so difficult are not willful but cannot be eliminated, I have learned to understand and respect them. I accept them, but I still do not like them. Challenges remain, But I have a new confidence that we can chart a pass together.

I have two examples of the behaviors I’m still struggling with. My husband does not want to celebrate any birthdays or holidays. He does not want to give or receive gifts of any type at any time. OK, but I like giving and receiving gifts. Knowing he doesn’t, leaves me sad and Lacking a pleasure that I thought was available to everyone. I just bought him a gift and I don’t care if he’s happy to receive a gift or not, I’m giving it!

The second example involves having a dog. When my beloved King Charles Cavalier spaniel died earlier this year, it didn’t take long for me to decide I wanted to get a dog. That’s when I learned how much he hates dogs. He’s totally against it, doesn’t want it, and if it’s a problem he says he’ll get rid of it no matter how I feel. What?! This from a man who says he loves me? But now I understand from our marriage counselor That he lacks empathy. He cannot sympathize what he cannot empathize. I have not figured out what to do. What I want matters, but a lot of the joy that would’ve come from bringing home a new pet has just evaporated. I’m pretty sure I’m going to get a dog, but this is an example of the difficulty that remains even after understanding arrives.

@marana1963 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I see you joined a few days ago, and this is your first post. I hope you have had a chance to read about others on the autism spectrum, and their journeys. You have a wonderful story of renewed love, several decades apart, that is for sure.

Finding a marriage counselor who can help you navigate the rough waters and caring enough about each others' best health to pursue counseling, reminds us it is so important for our partners to understand and accept the adult autism person. I was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult, but my husband doesn't "get it" like I would like him to.

Have you thought about the resistance to a dog as something your husband experienced as a younger person, perhaps? Is there a humane society near you that you could volunteer at, or perhaps a foster program you participate in? Helping a dog get a good start in a loving life can be very rewarding, and it would not be a permanent situation [at least to start]. Would your husband be open to you doing that, perhaps?

I can understand the idea of holidays/celebrations/gifts, as I am like that, too. My husband accepts it, usually as he forgets our anniversary, or birthdays, so it is an unintentional win-win for me. In my situation, we have a neighbor who insists on gifts/celebrations for everything, which flusters me, and really does put me on the defensive. You might want to explain to your husband that it pleases you to gift him, and you want to show in a tangible way your feelings for him. Or, you could give a gift to a group in both of your names.

Looking forward to your sharing as you see fit, and answering any questions you may have.
Ginger

I am trying to find a gentle way to say that you should ask your husband to talk about empathy, and sympathy. I am an adult on the spectrum, and although it is difficult for me to show or recognize these emotions in other. I carry the weight of others burdens and pain on my shoulders. In fact after some frank conversations about this with family, I think I feel those emotions more strongly than most. I am not saying your husband is the same but many of us on the spectrum are. My husband also said no more dogs after the loss of my beloved tinkerbell, she came to us after hurricane Katrina and we had her 10 years. It was a crushing blow to me and he said, it was to him as well and he just can’t go through it again. He finally told me that after I was more insistent about why I couldn’t adopt another dog. Now I understand, and will respect his wishes.
The gift giving thing? I don’t believe this is absolutely about the spectrum. I am like you but I have to work harder to show how much that gift means, I also get very disappointed if my gift isn’t well received, although the other person will probably never know it.
Do you have other friends or family you can exchange gifts with to fulfill this need?
Can you have a conversation with your husband about empathy and sympathy without it being heated and without conversation about a dog?

We have much in common. Reassuring to me. I have volunteer papers in hand for a dog shelter. I’ll move ahead eith that.

Here is our therapist info attached. Due to COVID, she does Zoom sessions. We love her. Perhaps she can help others, too.