Scary,strange,possibly"near death"symptoms:begging for some insight

It seems like a horrible nightmare to me. I just found out in March of this year that my back is full of cancer now. I keep thinking, I am only 54 and after finally divorcing my ******* husband, I found a man who genuinely cares about me and treats me like a queen. How can this be? What did I do to deserve this? But I know many of you are thinking the same thing. I have a 28-year-old son and a 26-year-old daughter. My daughter has a 6-year-old beautiful little girl. They all mean the world to me and I keep thinking that I hope they will be able to cope with life when I am not here to help them. I know they will, but I also know how nice it is to be able to call my mother and ask her opinion or her advice, or what went in that recipe. I just have to remember that I will be right beside them, even if they don't realize it. I am hoping I have a few years left to be with them. Deb

I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to anyone but fell into that depressive "Fine I didn't need to talk to anyone anyways" spot...BUT..as I read @alpacas' generous reply it was to identical to ignore. Now even my Dr. is saying "to many scans" "to much radiation" I am feeling there is no winning when it has anything to do with cancer.
I mentioned how at my Jan apt it was found in 4 new areas and expected that at the Feb. check-up I would be choosing treatment or not.INSTEAD I was granted another miracle. I was asked if I had seen my "chemo oncologist" and gone ahead with chemo...which I of course had NOT done.....my tumors have shrunk...still there but smaller....DR. has no explanation.....I can only think it is the most obvious answer....POWER OF PRAYER. Everyone is so astounded, but why do we pray if we do not think they can come true?
grand son wants lunch so I have to take a break but I will be back. I have a lot to share. I appreciate the sharing and caring SO MUCH !

Can't remember if I discussed this or not but after going in for scans every 3 months for a couple years now my new oncologist wants me to wait 6 months.. he is very concerned about the radiation levels I have been exposed to ( in my head I wonder if that really matters) kicker is I was told it was back ...metastasized to 4 areas but looked stable. I told him I didn't know if I could wait that long.... the mental aspect of waiting may be more than I can take especially since he wants to only do a MRI... NO PET/CT... not sure how they do a comparison to all previous PETs to just a MRI ????? Would welcome any informed info !!!!
The last time they switched me from 3 months to 6 month scans I had my recurrence. I had mentioned I had terrible back pain and was informed scans looked good AND PAIN WOULDN'T BE FROM CANCER ANYWAY (?????). So I had an MRI to see if I had an injury causing the pain and the result was no injury but what appeared to be a recurrence of cancer which had metastasized to my back...this was 10 days after getting an all clear from my oncologist. A biopsy was done and it was malignant went on to have chemo as a palliative treatment. Just mentioning this as a background to establish why I am so nervous about being backed off to 6 months.
P.S. my back is just killing me again (lets hope not literally 🙂 but they say would not be from tumor ??? I guess I just don't get why not? at least it hasn't been explained to me why their opinion is such....that cancer doesn't cause pain???? really????since when???especially involving my spine????
I waffle between wanting/needing more information and being on info overload, can't keep all the contradicting information/opinions straight.

People out there,
I am still alive and celebrated another birthday. Even the doctors are astonished that I am still alive, not just me. I still laugh and cry a lot. I laugh mostly at those who tell kindly me that they can get hit by a car at any moment and die before me. Mostly I try to look kind, sometimes I smile and say "yes, that is so so true but I could die the same way or wait and die because of my cancer"! Sometimes I am really bad and say "oh what a pity, I thought that we would have time for some coffee but now you are going to get hit by a car..".
I am receiving two different kind of treatments and it seems that I would live another year! But dearest @allisonsnow, insist on every 3 or Max 4 months. Please talk to your Oncologist and share your concerns. As I wrote you before, as I live in Sweden, don't meet the same problems as you but I have my Scans and MRI every 4 months and sometimes depending on how my health condition seems, my oncolog may order them after 3 months. Persuade your doctor because it is not that we are going to live another 20 years and worry about side effects of too much radiation. I have had my 4 different periods of radiation so a little more doesn't change that much. Good luck dear Allison and even you have every right to worry, please enjoy every second of your life. This is the only life we have, so enjoy❤️

@djankord1, I want to extend a sincere welcome to you on Connect. I am sorry to hear of your current nightmare situation. It is an unfortunate reality that age does not matter when it comes to the crisis situations in our lives. And neither does our current personal life situation.
We have other members who are managing to live and to cope with similar situations. I am certain that you will find some of the support that you are seeking through conversing with them. We are here to support you and to answer any questions that you have. I know that there are some discussions in out Cancer Group that might appeal to you, also.
In the meantime, try to focus your positive energy on your blessings: your loving husband, children, granddaughter, and mom's wisdom. And enjoy every minute of your time with them. Worry will not resolve anything. When I was critically, a friend sent me a refrigerator magnet. It read, "Worry Bad / Prayer Good".
Sending prayer and a hug,
Rosemary

@saltis, Happy Birthday to You!!!!! Thank you letting us celebrate with you:-)
You are very kind to offer your advice and your encouragement to all of us. Your message sends the clear message that we all need to advocate for our own health, no matter where we live. It does sound like you are on a remarkable journey.
I'm sending my prayers and a hug across the Atlantic to you.
Rosemary

@rosemarya, thank you. I think and feel that everybody is on it's own remarkable journey. Everytime that something bad happened to me, personally I never lost a minute on "why this happens to me?" I would rather that it happens to me rather to my child or someone dear to me or younger or someone whom I don't even know but has enough problems, like war, other atrocities, you know. I am not a very strong person but this is my life and I am forced to make the best of it. It is easy to lay down and let self pity take over but then I would lose such precious moments which I can make my life worth fighting for. Meeting loved ones and really enjoying their company. Work as a volonteer and help those less fortunate.
I feel sometime that cancer has made me egocentered but when I work with those less fortunate I feel alive and appreciate my own life. I am able to appreciate my life because I have been able to see my child grew to become a man and a wonderful father to a beautiful girl. My husband still loves me, with hair, without hair, with breasts and without breasts, with my chemo brain and more changes. So please be happy for the life you have, because believe me, we are lucky❤️

@saltis Thanks for those inspiring words! Teresa

@saltis Happy birthday! Your sense of humor is just great, keep it up. Teresa

@allisonsnow I can understand your concern and the information overload. It is difficult when you see different doctors and they have different opinions. Knowledge is important to those of us who are dealing with cancer. I hope that you are able to navigate the information highway and get some reassurance. Wishing you well, Teresa