Post cancer anger issues and distancing from family and friends

Posted by icso785 @icso785, Nov 21 10:50am

I'm post tonsillary for eight years now. Its been a struggle since treatment was over. I read a post on here prior to joining the forum and it described the same issues I'm having.
Anger issues, judgemental, high expectations of everyone, negative Prior to treatment I didn't have of the problems. Its put a huge strain on my marriage, my children and grandchildren
Has anyone else spouse or family member had problems post cancer.
I'm at a loss, any information would be greatly appreciate d

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Esophageal Cancer Support Group.

cromme50 | @cromme50 | Nov 21 5:07pm

I was like that in the first year post transplant, while on Prednisone. After tapering out and eliminating the steroid, I went back to a more normal behavior. My husband experienced your symptoms too, with esophageal cancer. While his cancer is in remission and he is no longer taking the heavy medications, there has been a lingering depression that he just cannot shake off. I traveled the cancer road also, with 3 years of post surgery non stop complications. That is finally over. The road down the depths of facing death is a lonely road, no one can understand the mental trip we have taken. The world of family went on, without us. They survived. We have seen the shadows. It is up to us to really work on re-integrating into their world because they will never comprehend what we have gone through. Please accept a hug of empathy. Unfortunately, no words of wisdom.
It is important that the negative health trip does not define the person we are today. We are better than that.

biga282 | @biga282 | Nov 22 8:01am

I’m a Vietnam era veteran and have lost several friends that have returned home due to cancer. My son a Marine returned from Iraq with severe PTSD. He was a mess. On medication for a while now but he has his days which aren’t good. I tell him, like my friends with cancer you need to take it day by day and think positive! Blessings to you all and God.

cromme50 | @cromme50 | Nov 22 11:44am

There is a condition called "medical PTSD" or "medical trauma stress". Google it, there is good information available. It is my belief that anybody going through cancer treatment does not come out the same person after treatment, regardless of the outcome good or bad. It is up to us to work it out and re-integrate in society/family. They move on, we either sort through it or we are left behind. Change is upon us, not upon them - because they truly do not know how to bring us back into the fold.

Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | 4 days ago

@icso785, hi. I hope you saw the helpful posts from @cromme50 and @biga282. I think you might be referring to this discussion:
- Esophageal Cancer stage 4: How do you deal with their anger?https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/esophageal-cancer-stage-4-1/

Also see these discussions:
- Anger and Counseling https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/anger-and-counseling/
- My Anger is overwhelming https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/my-anger-is-overwhelming/

As you can see, what you are experiencing is not uncommon. I can share my own experience in our family. While my dad was in treatment and afterwards, he pushed everyone away except my mom. He only wanted her around. It was hurtful and confusing. I could also understand. He wanted to just be himself and only felt comfortable with my mom. It was understandable but didn't consider my mom's need for help and support. That was hard. Hard for my mom. Hard for family and friends. Prior to cancer, my dad was known for being the outgoing, help anybody type.

I'm not sure if sharing my story helps in any way. There wasn't really a resolution to the situation. My mom supported my dad. We supported my mom.

Unlike my father, it sounds like you would like to change this attitude. You recognize it and don't particularly like this unfamiliar version of you. That's the first step.

Have you considered talking to an oncology social worker? Social workers who have experience in cancer are familiar with this situation and can work with you or help find support that can help.

@icso785, what are the high expectations you have about the people around you? Are the expectations reasonable?

azsunshine7 | @azsunshine7 | 3 days ago

Hello,

By documenting the positive things in your life, you can shift your focus away from negativity. Spend quality time with your family and ask them what good qualities they see in you. Write those down and express your heartfelt appreciation for them too.

Take the time to create a clear plan for your future and read it every day. It’s not just about having a positive outlook; it’s about nurturing hope. Find hope in what lies ahead, but also take actionable steps to turn that hope into reality.

Include your spouse and family in that plan. Do some fun activities.

Above all, take the time to love yourself and embrace who you are. You've faced so many challenges, and you truly deserve to find happiness.

💖