Caring for someone w/ obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD)

Posted by rpg @rpg, Dec 10, 2019

I am overwhelmed. My husband has had one psychologist diagnose him with OCPD. His raging has been increasing in intensity and duration. After months of trying, he has finally agreed to give the psychiatry team at Mayo a try. 1.5 years ago he agreed and was accepted to schedule but changed his mind-not unusual. He trusts Mayo as that is where many family members have been treated for nonpsychological conditions with success. “They probably don’t hire quacks.”
I call to get an appointment and was informed he would need to be accepted again. After waiting 2.5 weeks, and surprisingly hubby asked often if we had heard back, we were informed today that Mayo will not see him and we should ask his gp for a referral to a local-which hubby refuses to do because they are “all quacks.”
I’m at a loss. Him being open to help was huge. I am tired of being verbally abused and having a bag packed to leave when he rages. I worked so hard to get him to agree to Mayo and now that seems unavailable.
Where do I turn?

Maybe your GP could reach out to them? I would think doctors would be more understanding when it comes to physchiatric patients.

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Welcome to Connect, @rpg. I can certainly sense your frustration. Finally your husband is willing to seek help, and the help appears to be unavailable in the way your husband wants it. I agree with @sears. Have you asked your husband's GP or the psychologist who diagnosed him with obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) to make the referral to Mayo Clinic? Can you return to the psychologist he already saw?

Some other members on Connect have mentioned OCPD and may have some input for you on how to help with your husband's condition, especially the raging behavior, like @wellandhappy @angelinaprinzivalli @usernameca @dorisena @brdwybaby. @gingerw also may have some input for you.

Your husband opening up is huge. It would appear that he is beginning to recognize that he needs help. That's good. You mention that his raging has been increasing in intensity and duration. What has you most concerned about his behavior? This must have a big impact on you, too. Do you see a therapist to help you manage?

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@lisalucier

Welcome to Connect, @rpg. I can certainly sense your frustration. Finally your husband is willing to seek help, and the help appears to be unavailable in the way your husband wants it. I agree with @sears. Have you asked your husband's GP or the psychologist who diagnosed him with obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) to make the referral to Mayo Clinic? Can you return to the psychologist he already saw?

Some other members on Connect have mentioned OCPD and may have some input for you on how to help with your husband's condition, especially the raging behavior, like @wellandhappy @angelinaprinzivalli @usernameca @dorisena @brdwybaby. @gingerw also may have some input for you.

Your husband opening up is huge. It would appear that he is beginning to recognize that he needs help. That's good. You mention that his raging has been increasing in intensity and duration. What has you most concerned about his behavior? This must have a big impact on you, too. Do you see a therapist to help you manage?

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@rpg Have you developed an escape plan if it is needed [people to contact/place to go to]? If you are concerned for your physical safety, express that to your husband. The next time he becomes abusive, pick up your packed bag and leave. Immediately. Your safety has to come first. The things that @lisalucier mention are very valuable, and I hope that one of your husband's drs are able to refer him. If not, perhaps you know someone in your area who has had similar experiences and can give you a few names of professionals who helped them?
Ginger

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@lisalucier

Welcome to Connect, @rpg. I can certainly sense your frustration. Finally your husband is willing to seek help, and the help appears to be unavailable in the way your husband wants it. I agree with @sears. Have you asked your husband's GP or the psychologist who diagnosed him with obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) to make the referral to Mayo Clinic? Can you return to the psychologist he already saw?

Some other members on Connect have mentioned OCPD and may have some input for you on how to help with your husband's condition, especially the raging behavior, like @wellandhappy @angelinaprinzivalli @usernameca @dorisena @brdwybaby. @gingerw also may have some input for you.

Your husband opening up is huge. It would appear that he is beginning to recognize that he needs help. That's good. You mention that his raging has been increasing in intensity and duration. What has you most concerned about his behavior? This must have a big impact on you, too. Do you see a therapist to help you manage?

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Thanks for reaching out. Previous psychologist has retired and left the area. GP is old school-which is why hubby likes him-and believes it’s a “rough patch.”
Thanks for the connections. I’ll check those out.
I guess I find myself spending too much time weighing my future. Do I stay with a husband of 30 years who is indifferent (his best attempt at kindness) or honor my in sickness and in health vow. He is 66 and I am 61. But it is to the point I wake up, think about what day it is, and then think about whether we are in the silent-treatment stage, the raging stage, or the pleasant stage.
As far as his rages, what worries me is the potential for him to cross into physical violence.
I do have a therapist. Thanks

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@gingerw

@rpg Have you developed an escape plan if it is needed [people to contact/place to go to]? If you are concerned for your physical safety, express that to your husband. The next time he becomes abusive, pick up your packed bag and leave. Immediately. Your safety has to come first. The things that @lisalucier mention are very valuable, and I hope that one of your husband's drs are able to refer him. If not, perhaps you know someone in your area who has had similar experiences and can give you a few names of professionals who helped them?
Ginger

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Thanks for the words of wisdom. Yes. I have had an escape plan for years. I keep essentials in my car and do leave when he starts.
Right now, I guess I am feeling lost because it takes so much to get to willingness to get help and I am unsure of how to have that help available. He sees Mayo not taking us as them agreeing with him that there is no problem.

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I wrote a long reply and lost it and will write another one later. There is probably no cure for an unwilling person, which I have experienced several times in my life. Medication will help if the patient can be trusted to take it regularly. OCD patients can come from families with a genetic disorder. Look at the big picture and decide one way or the other. I am not sorry I stayed, but I don't recommend it because of the risk. Now I spend the rest of my life recovering. There is no "help" for OCD, only medication to ease the bad symptoms, if they stay on the medication. Find someone to "take you in." Some things do not have a cure in the sense that we would hope. If the patient wants help, he will cooperate fully. It is his choice, really. Doris

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@rpg

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Yes. I have had an escape plan for years. I keep essentials in my car and do leave when he starts.
Right now, I guess I am feeling lost because it takes so much to get to willingness to get help and I am unsure of how to have that help available. He sees Mayo not taking us as them agreeing with him that there is no problem.

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The reason I did not leave for fifty years is that there would be no one left to care for the man, and I couldn't put that responsibility on my oldest son. I couldn't put him out with the trash. The doctors believed his lies. It is difficult to keep a person with OCD on their meds.
He could change if he wants to, with medical help. It is his choice, not yours at this point. If you leave, he could become homeless or in the streets, as I saw that happen with a neighbor. I stayed with the same feelings I would have if I were helping a neighbor, as a volunteer for helping society a little. I quit loving him as a husband because my husband was gone. He died because he would not cooperate with the doctors about his diabetes, his alcoholism, and his cancer. It was his choice. Dorisena

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@rpg

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Yes. I have had an escape plan for years. I keep essentials in my car and do leave when he starts.
Right now, I guess I am feeling lost because it takes so much to get to willingness to get help and I am unsure of how to have that help available. He sees Mayo not taking us as them agreeing with him that there is no problem.

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Do you not have any physchiatrists in your area? His problems sound like too much for a GP or physchologist to handle.

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@dorisena

The reason I did not leave for fifty years is that there would be no one left to care for the man, and I couldn't put that responsibility on my oldest son. I couldn't put him out with the trash. The doctors believed his lies. It is difficult to keep a person with OCD on their meds.
He could change if he wants to, with medical help. It is his choice, not yours at this point. If you leave, he could become homeless or in the streets, as I saw that happen with a neighbor. I stayed with the same feelings I would have if I were helping a neighbor, as a volunteer for helping society a little. I quit loving him as a husband because my husband was gone. He died because he would not cooperate with the doctors about his diabetes, his alcoholism, and his cancer. It was his choice. Dorisena

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Thanks,Dorisena. Sorry to hear you have also been in this forest

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@sears

Do you not have any physchiatrists in your area? His problems sound like too much for a GP or physchologist to handle.

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Very small area. Lack of trust is the issue. He has trust in Mayo rep because of other family members opinion

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I hate being so blunt and harsh with my experiences as I really want to be on the helpful team here. I care so much and have experienced so much and actually studied research in order to help my sister's family as well as my own. The Hippa Law allows patients to refuse care, to refuse medicines and to literally drive their families nuts with limited cooperation or no cooperation and going to court is not a suitable approach for helping troubled families.
We do not realize how much our loved ones are suffering inside and are not ready to face their torments and get better, especially those who have been raised by old school thinkers who believe that any illness is a sign of moral weakness and must be overcome with a swig of strong alcohol. This was my situation, and alcohol was involved in my sister's family members with OCD. Some of them were really bad, with oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis, and had committees supervise their public school attendance. One burned down the bedroom. Genetic OCD can be a huge family destroyer. Dorisena

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@dorisena

I hate being so blunt and harsh with my experiences as I really want to be on the helpful team here. I care so much and have experienced so much and actually studied research in order to help my sister's family as well as my own. The Hippa Law allows patients to refuse care, to refuse medicines and to literally drive their families nuts with limited cooperation or no cooperation and going to court is not a suitable approach for helping troubled families.
We do not realize how much our loved ones are suffering inside and are not ready to face their torments and get better, especially those who have been raised by old school thinkers who believe that any illness is a sign of moral weakness and must be overcome with a swig of strong alcohol. This was my situation, and alcohol was involved in my sister's family members with OCD. Some of them were really bad, with oppositional defiant disorder diagnosis, and had committees supervise their public school attendance. One burned down the bedroom. Genetic OCD can be a huge family destroyer. Dorisena

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@dorisena Your experiences may have helped someone else feel like they are not alone in the difficulty of living with family and family members dealing with mental issues. You're right. We cannot push someone into help/treatment, it has to be their decision. And our decision what we do in the face of non-treatment.
Ginger

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What will always be a puzzle to me is how a supposedly hard working, industrious, church going young man that I married can suddenly turn into a stranger who lives in another world at times, and believes unreal stories that I can prove are bogus. He was the greatest believer in success and was a terrific, natural salesman. But success made him insecure, and then he became a bragger, a user, and a fake to make up for his shortcomings, and didn't want to learn the economics to successful management of our businesses. And then the lies, lies, lies. In the psychology world this is called a personality disorder, not a mental illness. I recognized the OCD early on, but he believed he had no problems at all. I will never understand his reality. Dorisena

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On a positive note, I have known people who thrive on the proper medication to control their OCD, so long as they yield to their spouse or partner who guides them when they overdo a compulsive episode. That is the true meaning of getting help. A person goes to the doctor to get treatment for a broken leg. It is wise for a person to go to the doctor for a misaligned thinking disorder. Both illnesses need assistance and support to overcome the problems and no one should think they are able or are required to go it alone. We need to teach this concept at a very young age. The ingrained thinking of an older person seldom changes, because he or she relies on what has worked in the past or what is the custom of the time. Dorisena

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@dorisena

On a positive note, I have known people who thrive on the proper medication to control their OCD, so long as they yield to their spouse or partner who guides them when they overdo a compulsive episode. That is the true meaning of getting help. A person goes to the doctor to get treatment for a broken leg. It is wise for a person to go to the doctor for a misaligned thinking disorder. Both illnesses need assistance and support to overcome the problems and no one should think they are able or are required to go it alone. We need to teach this concept at a very young age. The ingrained thinking of an older person seldom changes, because he or she relies on what has worked in the past or what is the custom of the time. Dorisena

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Thanks for all the insight. It helps to know I am not alone as a caregiver

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