Not sure where I fit in here but this is my story...

Prior to my CABG x4 open-heart surgery on December 21, 2023, I was given a tour of the ICU/PACU by two nurses, one of whom I believe was the charge nurse. They explained that after surgery I would be intubated and restrained, so I was prepared for those aspects of recovery. However, I do not recall any discussions about the level of pain I might experience, and its intensity came as a shock. I also expected someone to be in the room when I regained consciousness.
When I woke up following the surgery, I was still intubated and restrained, just as I had been told to expect. The first thing I noticed was a large analog clock over the door, showing 3:00 a.m. I immediately became aware of the pain, which I recall rating as 8 out of 10. If I had to use one word to describe the pain, it would be primal.
I tried to find the call-light remote, feeling around both sides of the bed and along the inside of the rails, but I couldn’t find it. I attempted to knock on the bed rail with my knuckles, but it made very little sound. Eventually, I moved my restrained arm as close to my body as possible and hit the rail twice, as hard as I could, to make more noise. I paused, listened for any sign that someone was coming, and after hearing nothing, struck the rail twice again. In those moments, I felt extremely alone and forgotten, aware that I was helpless and in pain, and I didn’t know if anyone knew where I was. It was after this second set of bangs that a nurse entered the room. I believe her first words were, “I thought the bed had fallen over.”

Once that nurse arrived, I never felt alone again. I believe another nurse remained in the room with me most of the time until the breathing tube was removed around 8 a.m.

At one point, the nurses turned off the ventilator to see if I could breathe on my own. I remember them encouraging me to breathe, and I was trying, but I couldn’t. I heard someone say my oxygen level had dropped to 40 percent, and they turned the ventilator back on. I was terrified, convinced I was going to die. I heard the nurses discussing my condition.

The breathing tube was finally removed around 8am.

In the two years since my surgery, I would say that my physical recovery has been great. I have lost 60 pounds and am now a regular at the gym.

Emotionally, that is another story. I have experienced a flashback of the fear that I experienced during the ventilator test recently. I know that there are more issues lurking around the memory of waking up alone. Over the last couple of months I have experienced a couple of anger outbursts and the stress is affecting my marriage.

The thing that has probably helped me the most is the time I spend at the gym. I call it treadmill therapy. I have shed a lot of tears on the treadmill.

Posting this on the 2 year anniversary of my surgery.

Not sure what I hope to achieve with this post but that is my story.