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Need to talk about the real reason(s) for my depression
Hi guys. I haven't told anyone here, I don't think, the real reason(s) for my depression. Yeah, I was molested by my dad, one brother doesn't believe me. Why would I lie? No benefit to it. Anyway, I was married for 22 years to a man whom I loved very much. I fell in love with him because he treated me so well. I had never felt that before, especially from my first husband. However, I should have fallen in love with him because he treated my kids well. I didn't see it at first. (Blind?) But he was short with my kids, impatient, and rigid. His kids were good as gold, of course, not. Over the years he became mocking, silent, sullen, and harsh with them. I stood in the middle and played referee as long as I could until one night when my daughter became afraid that he was going to hit her. I was awakened by her loud, terrified, crying and yelling. She had hidden in my bathroom with the phone ready to call 911. It seems he had gotten so angry because my daughter and I had gone out earlier in the day shopping and spent too much money. No, we didn't, but he exploded nevertheless. That was 2005. In 2006 we divorced. I still loved him. We tried for 8 more years to get back together, my moving in and back out with him. It was painful and tiresome. His grandson seemed always to be around. Finally, in 2012, his grandson got a job with a security company under contract with the Department of Homeland Security. Yay, I was hoping he would move out. But, no. At some point he came home upset and was talking to my ex. I found out later that his grandson had told him there had been a fire fight in a building somewhere, I forget where, and a few people had been killed, including his immediate supervisor, who was his mentor. Over several months, I was told I couldn't talk about it, but I needed to talk about it. This kind of thing didn't happen to real people. But I was told, yes it does, it happens more than you think. Military or FBI, CIA, go into people's homes and they just disappear, they're never heard from again. I rebelled. I talked about it all the time, to them and my kids. I was told, shhh, they're listening, they had our houses bugged. They wanted me dead because I was talking too much. This all happened over many months, with his grandson constantly running to the windows to check the surroundings. One night I was standing in the dining room and heard someone whisper from the carport, a derogatory remark. Heard it plain as day. It only added to my fear. I was terrified. So I finally moved out in the latter part of 2012. I was staying with my kids. My ex dropped all of my belongings, minus any furniture, on my front porch. We had decided that he would take them to a storage area. I was so angry, frustrated, and hurt that he did this that I slapped him on the face and broke down crying. An hour later I was being arrested, and handcuffed by the police. He had called and initiated a restraining order. I had no contact whatsoever with him for an entire year, all the while being in fear for my family's lives. I still couldn't talk about it because I was convinced it was all real. I waited for some people to break down my sliding glass door, or for a knock on our front door. That's where my Harley comes in. If I hadn't had him I sincerely believe I would have lost my mind, all of it, not just the part I'm missing now. I still haven't been able to talk to a therapist about it. Of course, now I know it was all a lie, an elaborate, heinous, lie, for my benefit. There is the fact that my ex's grandson was bipolar, and possibly schizophrenic. But I did hear a voice on the carport. And, if my ex wanted me to leave all he had to do is ask. Did he believe his grandson? I don't know and never will. I was hurt so much by him by such a cruel lie.. But, I still ask myself, what if it was real?
Dany
Any thoughts
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@danybegood1
Your courage to relate this frightening experience to Connect members is to be commended! Thank you for sharing your story, I know that this must have been difficult for you.
I don't think any of us can interpret this experience for you, though. This experience needs to be discussed with your therapist in order to be able to sort it out and put it behind you. As soon as you can do that, in a therapeutic environment, the easier it will be for you to move on.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing,
Teresa
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2 Reactions@hopeful33250 , yeah, my first visit with a mental health guy told me I had psychomotor retardation, and was casually dressed and poorly groomed. What a great thing to say to a woman who actually took a shower, and dressed nicely, or so I thought, and put on my makeup. He was such a great Dr. that I will never go back to him. I have no energy, so when I do take a shower it leaves me so tired. It's really hard for me to go anywhere. If he only knew what he did to me with that evaluation. Thanks for your response. Dany
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1 ReactionI'm so sorry about your experience. I've been seeing mental help Doctors and Therapists for 45 years. There are some really good and some really bad mental health professionals I suggest you talk with your primary Doctor and give the Doctor your experience and ask your Doctor for help locating another
mental health professional. I understand your being tired after taking a shower. I've had the same experience. I hope the best for you.
Hello @danybegood1
I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience, that counselor was so unkind and unprofessional. However, you still need help to work through these experiences that you described in your post above. As @charlie75 mentioned, keep looking for another mental health professional. Ask your primary care doctor for another referral or your county mental health association. Considering all you have experienced you deserve some good quality care. It is there you, but you will just need to persist until you find it.
Will you develop a plan for seeking professional help this week? Let us know how you are doing.
Teresa
@hopeful33250 , @charlie75 Thanks guys, I've been looking for a therapist now for at least 2 months. This was just my first visit. What a start.... I get my phone numbers directly from my insurance company. When I call the clinics i am told they aren't accepting new patients, they don't accept Medicare, or they are being funded by Medicaid. I know, intellectually, that there is someone out there for me. I just hope it isn't my first encounter. Dany
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3 Reactions@danybegood1
I reinforce what others have said, that good care is out there, somehow under wraps. It's a terrible thing that good mental health professionals aren't accessible to everyone. For your own sake, do please keep looking.
Jim
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2 Reactions@jimhd , hi Jim, I just had to laugh when you mentioned about Toby barking. I know it's not funny, but the first thing I thought is he might be jealous. Toby may think your daughter should be spending all her time with him. I can barely go to the bathroom without Harley barking. We are together all the time. I talk to him constantly, when I have something to say that is. I tell him when I'm leaving, when I'll be back, when he's getting fed, etc. He can be jealous, obnoxious, stubborn, loud, and so lovable, and charming. I ask his opinion on what to watch on tv..... I'm just nuts about him. And more often than not he is right by my side on the couch. He is 8 years old. What ever would I do without him? I'm sorry about what happened to Sadie. You must have been furious, and so worried. I would want to kill those bully dogs. If a person can't control their dog, they shouldn't take them out in public. God forbid they get out on their own and attack a person. I will continue to look for a therapist. It appears I won't get better on my own. Take care, Dany
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2 ReactionsYou describe a history of being abused and treated poorly by others. I believe this may result in you being hesitant (consciously or subconsciously) to treat yourself with all of the goodness you deserve.
One thought only - if your daughter were the one telling this difficult story to you - if the events happened to her, what would you tell her?
Would you say, “Try one therapist, and if that doesn’t work, assume others will be the same, and live with this deep discontent?”
I would simply say, treat your soul as you would the soul of a daughter or best friend. We are all human. We are all deserving of finding goodness amidst difficult times.
Best wishes!!
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5 Reactions@resolve
I like what you have to say!
Jim
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2 Reactions@resolve, thank you. I will keep looking for a therapist that seems right. Thank you for your kind words. Dany
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