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purplewings
@yellowings

Posts: 12
Joined: Jun 28, 2017

Narcissism NPD is a personality disorder - codependency

Posted by @yellowings, Jun 28, 2017

I am only interested in sharing with victims of narcissism who understand that this is a medical condition that has no cure known. The goal is to share to cope with the remaining symptoms of abuse, which are traumatic and permanent.

REPLY

@yellowings Thank you for helping to get this topic going. I’m tagging Connect members @smilie, @tabi, @heatherf316, @blindeyepug, @janinehomewood and @amberpep who have talked about being victims of people who do (or may have) narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I think they’ll appreciate your having started this discussion group and have something to contribute.

YellowWings, would you mind getting the discussion started? What symptoms of abuse do you suffer from? How are you coping?

Greetings friends …. oh my, after a 40 year marriage to a man with NPD, I could write a book, but I’ve got so many I’ve purchased through those hellish years that I couldn’t add to them. I was married at 21 ….. way too young for a young woman who was raised an only child, in a family of alcoholics, abused in every form and spent my Fri. and Sat. nights in bars from the time I first remember. I won’t go into what happened there. Basically my life consisted of hiding out so I wouldn’t get hurt. Then I met my soon-to-be husband …… knew all the right words to make me feel good about myself. 5 years later we were married. When I worked and put him through school things were good ….. I loved my job. Then we began to have children after he graduated and got a job down near D.C. That changed everything. No question he was a good Dad, and still is (but always with a critical edge), but to me I was just a cook, housekeeper, sexual partner ….. sort of a French maid. I’d always hear things like “pinhead” when he didn’t like my hair cut, “don’t you think you should do your excerises?” (This was right after our babies were born); why were you out so late? I worked at our church on staff and oversaw the Weds. night Pioneer Club …. so when I came home it was about 10:30 …. the garage door opening “woke him up” ….. I went into therapy and my doctor told me, after a few years, that if I didn’t get out of that abusive home (kids all grown by this time) he would have to admit me to Brooklane …. a local private Psychiatric Hospital. That did it …… I was out in 2 days. He would not go to therapy, and when I finally convinced him to try it, the doctor asked us each to say several good qualities each of us had. I had no problems with that because despite all the “N” characteristics, he was a good Dad, good provider, hard worker, etc. When it came to his turn, he thought awhile and all he could say was, “she’s a good mother.” Nothing else. With that I got up and walked out and went to my lawyer the next day. I spent 40 years giving my all to him and raising our kids, and now here I am …… headed for a low-income apartment. I don’t really mind that at all. People are people everywhere you go and I make friends pretty easily. He’s still his old “N” self, busy every day to keep his face out there, and is just involved in everything he possibly could be. He’s running away from himself instead of facing himself honestly.
N’s are “tough nuts to crack” as my Psychiatrist told me (he Rx’s the meds.), and he rarely sees them change. I didn’t recognize the abuse when I was in it because that’s how I grew up …. I was prime for that.
Read, read, read everything you can about Narcissism ….. if you need suggestions, I’ve got plenty. You do not need to be treated like a low-class citizen …. you are worth more than that, even though I know you don’t believe that now. Get help and claw your way out of this mire of destruction.
abby

@amberpep Abby: Thanks for sharing your story! Teresa

@amberpep

Greetings friends …. oh my, after a 40 year marriage to a man with NPD, I could write a book, but I’ve got so many I’ve purchased through those hellish years that I couldn’t add to them. I was married at 21 ….. way too young for a young woman who was raised an only child, in a family of alcoholics, abused in every form and spent my Fri. and Sat. nights in bars from the time I first remember. I won’t go into what happened there. Basically my life consisted of hiding out so I wouldn’t get hurt. Then I met my soon-to-be husband …… knew all the right words to make me feel good about myself. 5 years later we were married. When I worked and put him through school things were good ….. I loved my job. Then we began to have children after he graduated and got a job down near D.C. That changed everything. No question he was a good Dad, and still is (but always with a critical edge), but to me I was just a cook, housekeeper, sexual partner ….. sort of a French maid. I’d always hear things like “pinhead” when he didn’t like my hair cut, “don’t you think you should do your excerises?” (This was right after our babies were born); why were you out so late? I worked at our church on staff and oversaw the Weds. night Pioneer Club …. so when I came home it was about 10:30 …. the garage door opening “woke him up” ….. I went into therapy and my doctor told me, after a few years, that if I didn’t get out of that abusive home (kids all grown by this time) he would have to admit me to Brooklane …. a local private Psychiatric Hospital. That did it …… I was out in 2 days. He would not go to therapy, and when I finally convinced him to try it, the doctor asked us each to say several good qualities each of us had. I had no problems with that because despite all the “N” characteristics, he was a good Dad, good provider, hard worker, etc. When it came to his turn, he thought awhile and all he could say was, “she’s a good mother.” Nothing else. With that I got up and walked out and went to my lawyer the next day. I spent 40 years giving my all to him and raising our kids, and now here I am …… headed for a low-income apartment. I don’t really mind that at all. People are people everywhere you go and I make friends pretty easily. He’s still his old “N” self, busy every day to keep his face out there, and is just involved in everything he possibly could be. He’s running away from himself instead of facing himself honestly.
N’s are “tough nuts to crack” as my Psychiatrist told me (he Rx’s the meds.), and he rarely sees them change. I didn’t recognize the abuse when I was in it because that’s how I grew up …. I was prime for that.
Read, read, read everything you can about Narcissism ….. if you need suggestions, I’ve got plenty. You do not need to be treated like a low-class citizen …. you are worth more than that, even though I know you don’t believe that now. Get help and claw your way out of this mire of destruction.
abby

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I, with all due respect, am looking to share with ppl who have already resolved their issues and don’t need to tell their stories. Otherwise it could transform in a hell of rapes, lies, manipulations, betrayals in the most profound sense. I have 40 yrs of professional therapy,, since 1974, when I started having the first symptoms of bipolar disorder, like optical illusions and dissociation. At 18 I was already divorced, since I’d been raped and forced to marry my rapist, whom I later abandoned.

Twenty year later, after my father suicide on the phone with me, I realized that my mother’s (divorced) reaction was not normal, but she had always been weird. I then started studying narcissism and attending a codependents group. It has taken me 5 years of grieving for losing the person I most loved, who doesn’t love me because she is not able to. She is a victim herself, as all narcissists are. I don’t like to hate anybody, but least of all, victims of child neglect/abuse. Narcissism is a natural, perhaps inexplicable, reaction to child abuse. I forgive my mom, and my other 5 relatives who are also affected by NPD, but I can’t contact with them. I still feel guilty for not doing more for her, but I have to save myself. I have had electroshock and a variety of therapies, and today I feel better, thanks to the support of my husband of 36 years, now in America. So… I understand the need to tell our stories…but to a degree, making an emphasis on the fortune we have had to save ourselves. We could have been them. Thanks for your input. I send you a big hug.

@hopeful33250

@amberpep Abby: Thanks for sharing your story! Teresa

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Thanks Teresa … contrary to what was implied before I am over the hump and healthy. Sure, I’ll always struggle with cyclothymia, but as far as the N stuff …. he’s out of my life and I’m happier for it.
abby

@amberpep Abby: I understand! Teresa

Liked by purplewings

@lisalucier

@yellowings Thank you for helping to get this topic going. I’m tagging Connect members @smilie, @tabi, @heatherf316, @blindeyepug, @janinehomewood and @amberpep who have talked about being victims of people who do (or may have) narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I think they’ll appreciate your having started this discussion group and have something to contribute.

YellowWings, would you mind getting the discussion started? What symptoms of abuse do you suffer from? How are you coping?

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Thank you, Lisa. As I said before, trauma caused by narcissistic abuse is pervasive, permanent, and can lead to a deep lack of self-esteem. As a victim, particularly in the case of a daughter being abused by the mother, the lack of personal value can and does result in a variety of addictions or even suicide. Untreated, narcissism will lead to family serious dysfunction and violence amongst generations, contributing to a vicious cycle of abuse and abusers that only grows with reproduction. Narcissism is not very well understood yet, but we know that it is a personality disorder, and as such, it has no cure or way to improve it. Patients themselves do not comprehend of their condition, with a very few exceptions. For worse, psychiatric/psychological organizations last year admitted their having abandoned the study of this illness due to the unsympathetic character of the patient. Again, narcissists don’t consult medical authorities, and the ones who are forced by their families to seek help are not ready to admit that there is something wrong with them. They feel differently and the enormous majority of narcissists are not self-aware. (more later)

There are at least a couple of ways to classify NPD patients, and one of the consists of 20 different kinds of them, producing an enormity of symptoms that produce zillions of family situations of abuse and dysfunction.

I would like to have a conversation with individuals who are at a stage of having already accepted the illness of their abusers, and forgiven them after knowing that we are talking of a disease. This doesn’t mean to sweep the secrets under the rug. It means to have become NC no contact with the abuser, with a few exceptions after choosing to save themselves.

It would be emotionally unbearable for me to hear and reheat the histories of violence/abuse/revenge, etc. because I would be reliving my situation, and I am not there yet. Besides, I will always be a codependent, the person who enables the narcissist to misbehave. I want to help everybody, even to my own detriment. I still adore my 90 yr old mother who lives alone in a very far country. But listening to her voice, just imagining it, makes me sick.

I am bipolar, probably as a consequence of the hellish childhood I had from my mother’s treatment and genetic predisposition from my dad’s bipolar condition. Therefore, I welcome all those who can practice containment of impulses, by relating to us their situation without major details, and we can see what we can form, as far as an online group goes.

Thank you very much for the interest to help people who are increasingly being affected by NPD.

Hello, your first encounter with a narcissist could be with anybody who talks without listening, who wants to “up” you all the time. Also, you may be talking with somebody who is supposed to be given you a compliment, but as a result of his/her words “you feel down.” A back-handed compliment. (i.e. “I love you as a blonde, the brassy color matches your skin”.)

Most of the time, ppl have “narcissistic” characteristics without being real narcissists. Only professionals, which I am not, can diagnose a narcissist. This usually cannot happen bc these individuals are not aware of their condition and do not seek treatment.

@yellowings

Most of the time, ppl have “narcissistic” characteristics without being real narcissists. Only professionals, which I am not, can diagnose a narcissist. This usually cannot happen bc these individuals are not aware of their condition and do not seek treatment.

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The very definition of mental illness, eh, @yellowings It is one of the toughest aspects of mental illness is the patient cannot see what other ‘normal’ folks see.

With the boss I had who was a narcissist thought WE all were the problem!

@amberpep

Greetings friends …. oh my, after a 40 year marriage to a man with NPD, I could write a book, but I’ve got so many I’ve purchased through those hellish years that I couldn’t add to them. I was married at 21 ….. way too young for a young woman who was raised an only child, in a family of alcoholics, abused in every form and spent my Fri. and Sat. nights in bars from the time I first remember. I won’t go into what happened there. Basically my life consisted of hiding out so I wouldn’t get hurt. Then I met my soon-to-be husband …… knew all the right words to make me feel good about myself. 5 years later we were married. When I worked and put him through school things were good ….. I loved my job. Then we began to have children after he graduated and got a job down near D.C. That changed everything. No question he was a good Dad, and still is (but always with a critical edge), but to me I was just a cook, housekeeper, sexual partner ….. sort of a French maid. I’d always hear things like “pinhead” when he didn’t like my hair cut, “don’t you think you should do your excerises?” (This was right after our babies were born); why were you out so late? I worked at our church on staff and oversaw the Weds. night Pioneer Club …. so when I came home it was about 10:30 …. the garage door opening “woke him up” ….. I went into therapy and my doctor told me, after a few years, that if I didn’t get out of that abusive home (kids all grown by this time) he would have to admit me to Brooklane …. a local private Psychiatric Hospital. That did it …… I was out in 2 days. He would not go to therapy, and when I finally convinced him to try it, the doctor asked us each to say several good qualities each of us had. I had no problems with that because despite all the “N” characteristics, he was a good Dad, good provider, hard worker, etc. When it came to his turn, he thought awhile and all he could say was, “she’s a good mother.” Nothing else. With that I got up and walked out and went to my lawyer the next day. I spent 40 years giving my all to him and raising our kids, and now here I am …… headed for a low-income apartment. I don’t really mind that at all. People are people everywhere you go and I make friends pretty easily. He’s still his old “N” self, busy every day to keep his face out there, and is just involved in everything he possibly could be. He’s running away from himself instead of facing himself honestly.
N’s are “tough nuts to crack” as my Psychiatrist told me (he Rx’s the meds.), and he rarely sees them change. I didn’t recognize the abuse when I was in it because that’s how I grew up …. I was prime for that.
Read, read, read everything you can about Narcissism ….. if you need suggestions, I’ve got plenty. You do not need to be treated like a low-class citizen …. you are worth more than that, even though I know you don’t believe that now. Get help and claw your way out of this mire of destruction.
abby

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@yellowings, Connect is an open and inclusive community built on respect. Our stories are what we share and help us heal. The community thrives on members mentoring members. Some members may be further along their healing journey than others. As such, we all learn and grow.

@amberpep, your experience is welcome here. I thank you for sharing it and for responding to my tag. Yellowings, your story is welcome, too. I hope your wings will envelope those who choose to contribute to this discussion according to their stage of healing.

@amberpep

Greetings friends …. oh my, after a 40 year marriage to a man with NPD, I could write a book, but I’ve got so many I’ve purchased through those hellish years that I couldn’t add to them. I was married at 21 ….. way too young for a young woman who was raised an only child, in a family of alcoholics, abused in every form and spent my Fri. and Sat. nights in bars from the time I first remember. I won’t go into what happened there. Basically my life consisted of hiding out so I wouldn’t get hurt. Then I met my soon-to-be husband …… knew all the right words to make me feel good about myself. 5 years later we were married. When I worked and put him through school things were good ….. I loved my job. Then we began to have children after he graduated and got a job down near D.C. That changed everything. No question he was a good Dad, and still is (but always with a critical edge), but to me I was just a cook, housekeeper, sexual partner ….. sort of a French maid. I’d always hear things like “pinhead” when he didn’t like my hair cut, “don’t you think you should do your excerises?” (This was right after our babies were born); why were you out so late? I worked at our church on staff and oversaw the Weds. night Pioneer Club …. so when I came home it was about 10:30 …. the garage door opening “woke him up” ….. I went into therapy and my doctor told me, after a few years, that if I didn’t get out of that abusive home (kids all grown by this time) he would have to admit me to Brooklane …. a local private Psychiatric Hospital. That did it …… I was out in 2 days. He would not go to therapy, and when I finally convinced him to try it, the doctor asked us each to say several good qualities each of us had. I had no problems with that because despite all the “N” characteristics, he was a good Dad, good provider, hard worker, etc. When it came to his turn, he thought awhile and all he could say was, “she’s a good mother.” Nothing else. With that I got up and walked out and went to my lawyer the next day. I spent 40 years giving my all to him and raising our kids, and now here I am …… headed for a low-income apartment. I don’t really mind that at all. People are people everywhere you go and I make friends pretty easily. He’s still his old “N” self, busy every day to keep his face out there, and is just involved in everything he possibly could be. He’s running away from himself instead of facing himself honestly.
N’s are “tough nuts to crack” as my Psychiatrist told me (he Rx’s the meds.), and he rarely sees them change. I didn’t recognize the abuse when I was in it because that’s how I grew up …. I was prime for that.
Read, read, read everything you can about Narcissism ….. if you need suggestions, I’ve got plenty. You do not need to be treated like a low-class citizen …. you are worth more than that, even though I know you don’t believe that now. Get help and claw your way out of this mire of destruction.
abby

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Thank you for yout comments and welcome.

As long as we are on a healing mode, i can attempt to share my insights. As i said, i am not supposed to participate in activities that increase my level of stress. Re-living extreme past exposure to narcissistic abuse is not recommended for me. Regretfully, i may not be the person to participate in this group discussion.

@yellowings

Most of the time, ppl have “narcissistic” characteristics without being real narcissists. Only professionals, which I am not, can diagnose a narcissist. This usually cannot happen bc these individuals are not aware of their condition and do not seek treatment.

Jump to this post

As a bopolar person, i knew immediately that there was something wrong with me AT TIMES. Ppl tend to DENY their different feelings but they usually make symptoms more obvious. Narcs are legitimally unaware of their obnoxiousness, their contradicted lies, their paranoia, etc. It is impossible to reason with them. We believe their maneuvers bc we love them or need them. We destroy our self-esteem when they discard us by betraying us fatally.

@amberpep

Greetings friends …. oh my, after a 40 year marriage to a man with NPD, I could write a book, but I’ve got so many I’ve purchased through those hellish years that I couldn’t add to them. I was married at 21 ….. way too young for a young woman who was raised an only child, in a family of alcoholics, abused in every form and spent my Fri. and Sat. nights in bars from the time I first remember. I won’t go into what happened there. Basically my life consisted of hiding out so I wouldn’t get hurt. Then I met my soon-to-be husband …… knew all the right words to make me feel good about myself. 5 years later we were married. When I worked and put him through school things were good ….. I loved my job. Then we began to have children after he graduated and got a job down near D.C. That changed everything. No question he was a good Dad, and still is (but always with a critical edge), but to me I was just a cook, housekeeper, sexual partner ….. sort of a French maid. I’d always hear things like “pinhead” when he didn’t like my hair cut, “don’t you think you should do your excerises?” (This was right after our babies were born); why were you out so late? I worked at our church on staff and oversaw the Weds. night Pioneer Club …. so when I came home it was about 10:30 …. the garage door opening “woke him up” ….. I went into therapy and my doctor told me, after a few years, that if I didn’t get out of that abusive home (kids all grown by this time) he would have to admit me to Brooklane …. a local private Psychiatric Hospital. That did it …… I was out in 2 days. He would not go to therapy, and when I finally convinced him to try it, the doctor asked us each to say several good qualities each of us had. I had no problems with that because despite all the “N” characteristics, he was a good Dad, good provider, hard worker, etc. When it came to his turn, he thought awhile and all he could say was, “she’s a good mother.” Nothing else. With that I got up and walked out and went to my lawyer the next day. I spent 40 years giving my all to him and raising our kids, and now here I am …… headed for a low-income apartment. I don’t really mind that at all. People are people everywhere you go and I make friends pretty easily. He’s still his old “N” self, busy every day to keep his face out there, and is just involved in everything he possibly could be. He’s running away from himself instead of facing himself honestly.
N’s are “tough nuts to crack” as my Psychiatrist told me (he Rx’s the meds.), and he rarely sees them change. I didn’t recognize the abuse when I was in it because that’s how I grew up …. I was prime for that.
Read, read, read everything you can about Narcissism ….. if you need suggestions, I’ve got plenty. You do not need to be treated like a low-class citizen …. you are worth more than that, even though I know you don’t believe that now. Get help and claw your way out of this mire of destruction.
abby

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I should have addressed the above to Lisa, since I am replying to her message. I am not familiar with this format.

Hi friends …. off subject here for a second ….. I signed all the papers today for my new apartment …. huge windows, faces the Shenandoah Mountains and Blue Ridge Parkway. I can’t wait to get in there. So, now I’ll pack and take boxes over to my new place in the back of my 4-Runner, so that when the men in my family move me on Aug. 13, all they’ll have to take is the furniture, and possibly a few really heavy boxes – like books.
I just feel like this is the beginning of my new life down here. Thanks for listening.
abby

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