My wife suddenly died next to me after 40 WONDERFUL years of marriage

Posted by dennismm @dennismm, 4 days ago

I was married for 40 spectacular years. She died next to me in bed almost instantly having an MI ( heart attack) in bd next to me. I still cry every single day. My two sons said that their mm and I were closer that they have ever known. Needless to say, it was like a ton to f bricks hitting me in the head!! Psychiatrist prescribed four anti-depressants to take at bedtime. My medication list looks like an old inventory of Walgreens. I tried dating 3x but none of them worked out. I paid for three expensive dinners and it was a waste of money. Yup , heart my SS. My sone who is an Alzheimer’s and Dementia expert told me I should have gone to three coffee shops, but it felt cheap doing it that way. After dinner two of them just got up and went to their cars, and the third at least said thank you and good bye. Hey, I am no Brad Pitt but I am no Quasimodo either. So now I don’t know where to turn. I hardly ever see or talk to my sons since they are both very busy! I told one of my daughters-in-laws that I was upset about losing my wife. Her immediate response was “You know your son lost a mother and you forget that!” What, anyway just needed to talk to someone and let it out. Yes, had a therapist but it was a waste of time! Both my sons said I am too trusting and too giving. Is that a fault ? Not to me.
Anyway, that is my story and I’m tired of taking all those meds. Physician said don’t stop taking them. I’ll see how it goes from here on. No more dating for me. It wasn’t the money I spent, it was the hurt of hate three women just walk away from me. So now, time will tell!!

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gently | @gently | 4 days ago

dennismm,
you might be dating too soon.
They may have walked from your grief.
I agree with you that giving and trusting isn't a fault.
I doesn't seem fair to yourself to see the three as walking away from you.
It's great that you ventured out.
Someone is going to be so lucky to find you.
I don't appreciate your DILs comment.
You might try to go off the medications, but be careful and withdraw gradually.
I don't find therapy helpful.
It might be good to have some activities where you are just around people. Take a class in photography or art, join a travel club, volunteer at a hospital.
Don't think about dating, now that you've sworn it off. Later it will be easier.
Bless your struggle. Keep posting.

rashida | @rashida | 4 days ago

@dennismm so sorry for your loss! Do give yourself time to grieve. Loss of a loved one after being together forty years will take time to get over. Have you tried a grief support group? Perhaps you could join in some activities at a community centre …?

celia16 | @celia16 | 3 days ago

I’m sorry for your loss. I have heard that people grieve in different ways and it can’t be rushed. Perhaps just spending time with supportive friends would help and just pause the dating until you feel ready. Could you try a different therapist? I used an online therapist and found it extremely helpful. I do think it requires the right fit.

dlydailyhope | @dlydailyhope | 3 days ago

@dennismm
I’m sorry for your loss and the pain you have experienced.

How long has it been since your wife passed? Have you given yourself time to grieve and space to heal?

jc76 | @jc76 | 3 days ago

@dennismm
I read some good advice from other posters.

I did not loose a wife from death but divorce. I did go through therapy. I had to go through a couple until you find the right mixed for you. Please consider that.

On dating, therapist will advise to wait until you go through the grieving process. If not you are no in a frame of mind for dating or adding anohter person to your life. This is something a therapist can guide you though. Sometimes a therpaist will advise something and you don't like it. But remeber you are grieving and what you are experiencing in this stage of your life is from extreme stress.

I saw one poster mention trying to find a hobby. I belong to prostate support group on MCC also. We have all gone through high stress and anxiety. I post so often to try and exercise you like doing (after clearing with doctor) and/or a hobby you like doing. Then do those and enjoy that activity. You will usually meet others doing same activity and interaction of doing something you all like.

Mental health greatly affects physical health and vice versa. Give yourself time to grieve. It is normal to feel it and go through it. Time does and will affect how you feel. Please consider another therapist and one that can prescribed medications that are best for you.

Do you have a favorite exercise? Do you have a hobby? When FDR was dealing with the extreme stress of WWII he made time almost every day to work on his stamp collection. It help him mentally do something that he liked. I read this in every book I read about FDR.

bgator | @bgator | 3 days ago

Sorry for your loss, I too lost my wife after 30 years. It is very hard to carry on but we no other choice.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring a better day.
Good Luck

Laurie, Volunteer Mentor | @roch | 3 days ago

@dennismm

It must be tough after 40 years of marriage. As someone else asked, how long since she died? Just wondering if you have given yourself enough time to grief before trying to starting a new relationship. As your son suggested, meet for coffee or lunch instead of trying to impress with expensive meal.

Many communities have grief support groups, have you checked them out?

seapen | @seapen | 3 days ago

Posting on this site was a very smart thing to do. There are a lot of caring people here. Keep posting because support is here. I think the suggestions of doing a hobby is a good one. If it involves other people, that is even better. Take some time outside every day. Listen to the singing birds. Nature can be very healing.

shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | 3 days ago

Not a day goes by that I don't think about if what happened to you happens to me. We are going on 52 years with many challenges in growing up ourselves and raising kids. Now, it is heaven. If she passes, I must stay with gratitude for the amazing gift I was given.
My, and your, measure of grief, is the pain you have allowed her to avoid. It certainly was not purposeful, but I wouldn't want her to suffer what I (you) are suffering now. We are each other's life, and I wouldn't want her going day to day in this kind of anxiety and grief if I passed first.
Dating? It's useless and hurtful in most circumstances. No one will ever "get" me like she does. No one will ever tolerate my cornyness or philosophizing like she does. My kids and grands will be devastated and supportive, but I will try and comfort them. I won't give them an extra burden of "What are we gonna do about Dad?"
Once someone is hete, they are never gone. Only their body, which dutifully contained their spirit and soul has worn out. You can still be with her spirit and soul every day. In parts of every day, keep doing what you did with her on tribute.
Many on these conversations talk about years and years of suffering and financial destruction with illness. It is said that a person who goes suddenly is spared illness because they lived a good and spiritual life.
This is a difficult one: Look inside yourself for who you are and genuinely always were. Who was it that she loved? You. Lucky you. Looking outside will wear you out and at the end, no one can really save you, although authentic religious devotion may come close, or even succeed.
I feel your loss. I hope I can take my own advice when the future is now.

esmaielkazemi | @esmaielkazemi | 3 days ago

Hello,

I hope you are well. The fact that you lost your husband is an event that can happen to anyone, and certainly, many people experience this in the world. Ultimately, it is we who choose how to live despite all these events. Viktor Frankl said: "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." It is we who decide whether to live joyfully or in sorrow.

Viktor Frankl lost all his family members in the war—his father, mother, brothers, sisters, and even his wife and children, and he himself was sent to the Auschwitz camps. Yet, right there in that camp, he managed to live with a sense of happiness and even wrote the book "Man's Search for Meaning" while imprisoned.