My wife is furious at me 3 weeks post RARP

@jeffmarc As do I! 🙂

@michaelcharles You are speaking the truth!!!! Believe them/him/her!!!

Something tells me you had more than a few rough patches and bumps in the road throughout your 30 year marriage. Have you posed the reverse scenario question to her: "Darling...what if you had breast, uterine or ovarian cancer, and had at least a three month recovery following surgery to remove your cancerous breasts, uterus, and ovaries...would you prefer that I be mean and focused on 'me' and what 'you' CAN'T do for 'me' ever again, or would you want me to be there for 'you'...supportive of 'your' physical and emotional recovery, and a life-changing new reality? If she doesn't gain a new perspective...look for a new wife...seriously. No man or woman should go through a serious, life-changing cancer and surgery, and be married to a spouse who blames YOU for having a cancer that changed "THEIR" life for what they perceive is the worse. Sounds like you are married to a Narcissist. Sorry...brutal reality, but true. When you die someday before she does, will she be mad because it upsets her that she had to cancel her trip to the mall to shop, but instead had to arrange and attend your funeral?

You and your wife would probably benefit from couples counseling. I suggest reading the book “The Connected Couple” by Dr Gloria Lee together. As far as the sex goes, pills like Sildenafil or Tadalafil work for many people and Trimix will give you a good erection for hours. If those don’t work, an IPP (inflatable penile prosthesis) implant will for sure work. The IPP will give you an erection that lasts as long as you want. Also, you don’t need an erection to have an orgasm and there are many ways to pleasure a woman without penetration. It may be time to get creative with your sex life and deepen your connection, mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually. Above all, get your relationship with your wife together because you are just at the beginning of your cancer journey. It may be the end of your cancer as well, but you need stability at home for wherever this takes you. Both you and your wife can become closer and more loving from working together through this. I wish you and your wife the ability to use this for personal growth and relational growth and a happier, healthier future.

Hey
I've been quiet on here for the last few months, but back in February my husband got diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer and pet scan showed it all over his body too! (no side effects other than peeing often and a bit in the bedroom, but we had a lots of stress last year) So here's my perspective as a wife in this!
Once we got the terrible news and that treatment for my husband was chemical castration (ADT and chemo) he refused! that was his manhood!! I pleaded with him to do it, that I don't care about the sex life (married almost 27yrs) that I'd rather have a husband and no sex life vs a dead husband and still no sex life! That if I got aggressive breast cancer and the treatment would be to cut them off, I'd do it!! For the family!! Take the ADT, we can have hot flashed and night sweats and mood swings together! LOL (I'm 47)
He finally came around to the ADT but it was quite a struggle and no fun, we were both angry! it took a while to come around to chemo as well, but he did it this summer!
About a month ago we TRIED it, he took two "happy pills" and it DID work, but he said there was no feeling, no lust in it, it was very mechanical, because he has no testosterone! It was kinda sad, but I just wanted to see if we could do it.
There's other ways to be close, snuggling on the couch watching sappy movies, going for a walk with the dog and talking.
But it sure is such a strange feeling, knowing my husband has terminal cancer, that I'll be a widow sooner than later... I know we all die some day, but to have a date closer than you think! Will it be 3 years, 5, 10??? we don't know.
I'm happy he's alive and now honestly I'll be happy if he makes it 10 more..... We still have kids at home, the youngest just turned 10, so if they were all adults by that time, it would be so much easier for us/me.
But God only knows! We could die tomorrow in a car accident!
I'm just saying that she's not angry at you, she's angry at the cancer, angry at the situation, because she loves you!
Hang in there! and give it time..... maybe in a few months a happy pill or two could work?? I don't know. it's just a lot to process for everyone.

@beaquilter ADT = castration. Most men feel totally emasculated by castration and/or ED. I don’t think most women understand the psychological impact. Women understand the hot flashes and emotional lability as well as the crying, weight gain and muscle and bone loss if they have experienced menopause, but feeling deep in your core that you have lost your manhood is difficult for men. It isn’t just losing your manhood. It is also losing your youth and your vitality. For me, lots of exercise, meditation, keeping mentally active, spending lots of time with my grandkids, playing music with my wife, cooking, eating well and having a loving partner have made this difficult time an opportunity for growth (not the cancerous kind I hope). My wife and I are working on ourselves and our relationship daily. It gives us purpose. Go for it! What are you waiting for?

@jimgaudette Since we are aware that we have limited time left now, we should probably make ever moment count. Make the remaining time as full of love and kindness as possible. Love and kindness to ourselves too.

I'm not sure what the OP wants, but I will warn against any of the (well-intentioned) suggestions to give clever logical arguments, flip the scenario around, etc. In my experience, those will probably just make things worse.

If he wants to save the relationship, proving he's right isn't the way to do it. I suggest working with a professional if possible; if that's not possible for financial reasons or personal preference, then there are some good self-help books about effective communication in a relationship, including this short one from David Burns, one of the pioneers of CBT and now (in his 80s) adjunct professor emeritus in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5680626-feeling-good-together
This helped me resolve a rough period with a family member (not my spouse) a couple of decades ago, so I can vouch for it from personal experience.

@beaquilter: "I'd rather have a husband and no sex life vs a dead husband and still no sex life!"

This is where the rubber meets the road!

When I was diagnosed with prostate cancer & RARP, the surgeon told me that there was some biopsy evidence that the cancer had reached the surface of the prostate. He asked me if I wanted nerve-sparing surgery.

It took me THREE SECONDS to decide, using the metric above. I also asked myself, what would be my regrets if I made the wrong decision.

I have no regrets.

For some people, the possibility/probability of dying before one plans to, comes as a rude shock, particularly for younger people. It's best to have a realistic view of life & health that plans for the unplanned. That's probably as much as I should say in this discussion.

In sickness and in health