My 20-yr-old son is self-harming, cutting. How can I help?

Posted by mamallama @twinboyzma, Apr 13 2:26pm

I've known for over a year that my son's first relationship turned toxic, but he has not been open with me about the situation. He will insist things are over forever, only to have another incident blow up. His ex GF recently contacted us to say that he has started cutting himself, although she says he is not suicidal. She is also afraid that if he realizes she texted us, he will direct his anger at her.

I called 988 for advice, and they were especially alarmed that my son had reportedly texted a picture of his cutting to a friend of the GF. They said "that might be enough for a 72-hr hold," if the GF or friend had reported it. But the incident had been a couple of days ago.

I don't know what to do. I don't think I want him put in the psych lock-up, but I cannot imagine that he's going to be receptive to seeking intensive intervention. I'm sure he will deny everything.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Mental Health Support Group.

Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Apr 13 5:03pm

Hello @twinboyzma and welcome to Mayo Connect. I can understand how concerned you must be about your son's cutting. It sounds as if you need to talk with a counselor to help you deal with this problem.

Do you have a pastor or other trusted counselor that you can talk with? If not, seek help from your community mental health agency and talk with someone as soon as possible. This is undoubtedly something that will require professional intervention and guidance.

As your son is 20 years of age, I'm wondering if he is in school or working? Does he have friendships or hobbies outside of the girlfriend?

Cheryl, Volunteer Mentor | @cehunt57 | Apr 13 5:52pm

I also want to add my welcome to you. I would encourage the ex - GF &/or friend to report this. If they don’t or won’t, you should. As a parent, you naturally want to keep your kids safe (no matter their age). Does the twin know anything about this? This is serious stuff. I would err on the side of caution and seek some professional intervention. Your family could benefit from the help.

Laurie, Volunteer Mentor | @roch | Apr 14 6:37am

@twinboyzma
Any form of self-injury is a sign of bigger stressors that need attention. In your son case, maybe the ex-relationship, or may other things going on in his life.

You did night thing to call 988, and now you need to do the next step and make sure he gets help. As uncomfortable as it might be, you might have to approach him about it and let him know you know. Gently express your concern and encourage him to seek professional help. He may open up to you about what he is happening.

The other comments had good suggestions of people who could help. Offer to help him find the right person to talk to and make appointment. At 20 years old, he might not know who to turn to for help.

Do not worry about him blaming the ex-girlfriend for letting you know. Everyone is trying to do what is best for him.

Mayo has some more info on self-harm:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/self-injury/symptoms-causes/syc-20350950

Is your son living at home with you?

mamallama | @twinboyzma | Apr 15 8:25am

Thank you Teresa, Cheryl & Laurie for your generous replies. Things seem stable right now so we are breathing and trying to plan best ways to address this directly with him, and to help him get help. He lives a couple of hours from dad, and I am a day's drive away. The ex GF has agreed to report any further incident "in real time" so we can respond ... but the fact she didn't repeat fears about enraging him doesn't make me believe that she really intends to follow through.
One thing -- for the sake of anonymity I am changing my username. It is now mamallama. Sorry if that causes confusion.
I am so grateful for the support and feedback. I will post again.
Deep thanks.

femalepersuasion | @femalepersuasion | Apr 16 7:34am

Harbinger has a series of books that are very helpful for cutting. It gives verbiage to address it and an idea to help address it. One of the ideas was to have him keep a tally when he cuts to try and slow it down and be more mindful.

But I agree with others that professional help is the way to go. They're going to be able to stabilize him faster.

jenatsky | @jenatsky | Apr 19 7:40pm

Mamallhama your son needs professional help sooner than later. Now that things have “cooled down” is the best time to sensibly speak with him about therapy. Maybe involving his girlfriend/ex since she’s involved in supporting his need for therapy. Therapists are hard to find and better to find one you like instead of a forced one due to an emergency inpatient admission or 72 hour hold. He’s clearly showing everyone he’s hurting and the cutting is a temporary bandaid so be watchful and good luck.