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Mother resists in-home care but expects us to do it

Posted by elsea134 @elsea134, Feb 16, 2023

Hi. My sister and I love my mother and she has been very appreciative of us helping her with grocery shopping, making and taking her to appointments and ER visits, picking up her Rx's, etc. spending the night there when she returns from ER, BUT when we bring up the idea of getting someone to help us with all this she says she doesn't need it. My sister and I each live 30 minutes away. Can you suggest a better way to approach the topic with her? She is also a little senile.

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Mentor
Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Feb 16, 2023

Hi, @elsea134 I know everyone is different, but in the case of my wife, I used a bit of subterfuge when she balked at having anyone from the outside help her. I explained the helper was a new cleaning person when she was actually an aide. Slowly my wife took to her helping with all kinds of things!

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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1 reply
mell | @mell | Feb 16, 2023
In reply to @IndianaScott "Hi, @elsea134 I know everyone is different, but in the case of my wife, I used..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

Hi, @elsea134 I know everyone is different, but in the case of my wife, I used a bit of subterfuge when she balked at having anyone from the outside help her. I explained the helper was a new cleaning person when she was actually an aide. Slowly my wife took to her helping with all kinds of things!

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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That was a great idea, i am so happy for you that she accepted that. I am putting it on my list because that same issue is coming with spouse and i have wondered how to deal with it. THANK YOU.

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Feb 17, 2023

@elsea134 my sisters and I found ourselves in the exact same situation as you. Our mom was 98 yrs and lived in independent living. She totally took care of herself. She would even use her walker and go to the dining room and pick up her meals! When we suggested that someone should come in to help her bathe and dress in the mornings and get ready for bed at night, she was adamant that she didn’t need help. We finally got her to agree with a short trial. The 3 women who shared the job were wonderful and my mother liked them so much. When it was decided that mom had to move to assisted living. (She was now 99), she asked that the same 3 be allowed to come also and continue to help her. Unfortunately, she died 1 month after her birthday.
Making decisions for our mother was very difficult but eventually she relaxed and totally enjoyed the attention.
I know you’ll do what’s best for your mom and I wish you the best as you make decisions.

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1 reply
cgs | @cgs | Feb 18, 2023
In reply to @becsbuddy "@elsea134 my sisters and I found ourselves in the exact same situation as you. Our mom..." + (show)
@becsbuddy

@elsea134 my sisters and I found ourselves in the exact same situation as you. Our mom was 98 yrs and lived in independent living. She totally took care of herself. She would even use her walker and go to the dining room and pick up her meals! When we suggested that someone should come in to help her bathe and dress in the mornings and get ready for bed at night, she was adamant that she didn’t need help. We finally got her to agree with a short trial. The 3 women who shared the job were wonderful and my mother liked them so much. When it was decided that mom had to move to assisted living. (She was now 99), she asked that the same 3 be allowed to come also and continue to help her. Unfortunately, she died 1 month after her birthday.
Making decisions for our mother was very difficult but eventually she relaxed and totally enjoyed the attention.
I know you’ll do what’s best for your mom and I wish you the best as you make decisions.

Jump to this post

God bless you for taking being to the faithful to take care of your mother and a lot of people don't have that kind of love in their heart and and won't do it today God bless you

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Leonard | @jakedduck1 | Feb 18, 2023

@elsea134
I found caring for my parents, the most rewarding experience of my life and would do it all over in a heartbeat. My mom did have one lady come in once or twice a week, I can’t remember but most of the time all they did was visit which was fine with me.
My mom and I took care of my dad and I remember the insurance company tried to put my dad into a nursing home, the cost was less which we fought in court.
The judge said, if the family wants to take care of him, you’ll pay for it, if he wants to be moved to a care facility, you’ll pay for that, if they want to hire professional care you’ll pay for that. I loved seeing the insurance company getting the shaft.
Jake

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