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“After all, tomorrow is another day.” I was in high school when my boyfriend gave me the book Gone With the Wind. I wasn’t much of a reader. Dyslexia makes reading slow. I spent my time reading textbooks, not fiction. The 1000 pages of Gone with the Wind represented a huge challenge, but it was Christmas break, so I opened the book and was immediately drawn in.
I want to set aside modern political criticism of romanticizing the Antebellum South and just focus on Scarlett O’Hara. She was raised in privilege. She lived on a beautiful plantation with people waiting on her. Her biggest worries were what parties she would attend and what man would court her. Then all that changes with the war. People around her die, the plantation was pillaged and burned. The crops were destroyed and there is Scarlett digging in the dirt with her hands foraging for food. Her vow “As God is my witness, They’m not going to get me. I’m going to live through this…” Those words are so powerful. They will live in my brain forever.
So what does that have to do with being resilient? Everything. Scarlett is trying to cheat her circumstances. She could have just shrunk in despair of losing everything, but she chooses to fight for her life. She was willing to lie, cheat or kill to get back what was once hers. Throughout the remainder of the story, we see Scarlett making both good and bad decisions. Decisions that may seem to the observer as ones that didn’t contribute to the well-being of anyone, but she had a plan and she did her best to make things right as she once knew them.
Everyone lives in the world of uncertainty. Not just those of us who have cancer in our medical charts. Everyone lives in the world of uncertainty. We make decisions every day based on what we know today and based on what we value. When we decide to do something, we don’t know how it will turn out. Only in time will the outcome be revealed to us. Personally, I can kick myself over and over again for the decisions I made about caring for myself before I got sick. But that will not do me any good. Just like the fact we can’t see the future we can’t change the past. I have to remember that I made the best decisions that I could based on the circumstances I was in and the with knowledge I had atthe time. I think that is called forgiveness.
There is not one thing that makes up resilience. It’s a cluster of things that when put together keep us upright and moving forward and hopefully that tomorrow is another day. I’m moving forward as though I have all the time in the world. I’m choosing to do that because it helps me feel “normal.” It helps to get involved with things that take up a great deal of my time. It keeps me moving forward. It is helping me cheat my circumstances. If tomorrow I get the news that my health is failing once again and that time is limited, I will not regret the decisions I’m making. I will always believe I can cheat my circumstances.
Denise
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It's great that you have a literary model that helps you stay strong. I'm so not a Scarlett, not from privilege and also not a warrior-type. I've followed my true north throughout life, blessed to have amazing experiences with the most common people all over the world.
When recently diagnosed with clear cell endometrial carcoma, my husband and I were days away from a 5-month adventure. We had rented our house out so we were beholden to a legal contract. My surgery is in 2 weeks. We are staying with friends who don't yet know about this latest development. They're hosting us thinking we're just having fun until our flight to Spain.
Physically and emotionally, we're in free fall. The present is all I have. And, like you, I'm doing all the normal things to keep me sane.
We're trying to hold out, until all my appts for pre-op are set up, before we share our news with family and friends. Telling those close to me is the hardest...I loath the idea. Everything depends on the surgical pathology. Did we catch it before the lymph nodes are impacted? That is the line in the sand.
My desire is to listen deeply to my inner voice, not allow those around me to persuade me to "fight" if letting go is my soul's truth. I hate second guesses...
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4 ReactionsThese are just my thoughts. I wanted to post how I have changed over time
@sabwal You are having a very complicated start to your medical journey. I can't comprehend how difficult it is to be staying with friends and not feel comfortable talking about your situation. I had the advantage of retreating until I figured out how I wanted to deal with my diagnosis.
I'm 2 years into this thing. My views have evolved over time. 2 years ago I was writing a much different sentiment. Time and experiences will change how you process this. Keep looking within yourself.
I write. That's not a natural talent but I find it helps me organize chaos and feel less anxious.
BTW I'm not from a wealthy family and I'm not wealthy now. The story was something I read and romanticized as a young woman of 17.
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2 Reactions@sabwal Hello Sabwal, we’re here for you. Most of us have also had cancer ruin our plans, if not our lives. I had to retire from practice.
This is a great platform to keep in touch with people in the same boat as you. Let us know how your surgery goes and how you adapt your plans. I hope you get to go on your world adventure, even if you have to postpone it. Best of luck.
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8 Reactions@denisestlouie Thank you. Yes, I certainly wasn't implying that you were privileged or whatever. I was referring to Scarlett 😉
We don't even know where we will be living 2 weeks from now. It's so crazy. I don't want to burden friends or family - most don't have the extra space and/or have so many hard things to handle in their own worlds. For now, acting as visitors is fun & a major distraction...kinda pretending that this discomfort I can feel in my body is no big deal. Just get me to the surgery.
So step by step. I'm going to keep it to myself for a bit longer. You know, once you tell one person, news spreads faster than the cancer.
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1 Reaction@sabwal I told a handful of people. I think when you add their spouses it was 50 people. I haven't told my clients, business partners, neighbors or anyone I met since cancer. I just won't talk about to anyone but those on this forum and Cancercare.
If you want you can private message me.
Denise
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2 ReactionsI told my mom today. She lives 3,000 miles away. She has survived breast cancer & cared for her sister who died of a sarcoma. It was HARD! But I felt relieved after. We having a standing call every day now.
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3 ReactionsA major diagnosis like ours can definitely reshuffle priorities. There’s a lot to think about. For me, the joys are close to home and heart, and it is just right. The journey has its ups and downs, fears and wins. One day at a time!
Denise, once again your writing inspires me ! I love your attitude and share you feelings about living my life filled with the things that keep me busy and happy. I try to keep cancer in the background and I am pretty successsful at doing so. Keep on enjoying your life and posting your wonderful words !
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1 Reaction@sabwal It's good that you told your mom. How did you mom take the news? How did you feel when you told your mom? Had my mom still been alive when I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer she would have been the first I called.
Like @denisestlouie I told very few people. My original diagnosis was in 2019 and I had a recurrence in 2021. There are still many people I encounter in my work and social lives that do not know and I won't tell them. Like @ffr my priorities have certainly changed. I have become more introspective and I place priority on my close relationships with my family and very close friends in a way that I did not do before my diagnosis.
I read "Gone with the Wind" when I was about 15 years old. I loved the resilience of Scarlett. That's an excellent description of Scarlett. Prior to the war she was completely unprepared for life. That's also the story of Ada in Cold Mountain. At one point in the book (and film) Ada says this: "I can talk about farming in Latin. I can read French. I can lace up a corset. I can name the principal rivers in Europe, just don't ask me to name one stream in this county! I can embroider but I can't darn! I can arrange cut flowers but I can't grow them!"
I hope you keep posting your essays here, Denise. I find wisdom in your words that I can use and apply in my own life.