Morbid question: I'm really afraid of finding my husband dead

@denise96: I have thought the same thoughts during the last few months of my late husband’s life. Have you had a candid conversation with him telling him you watch him getting sicker and perhaps hospital would keep him out of pain (access to morphine, etc.)? I would also tell his doc you want him to receive needed pain relief and you fear he is near death now- tell doc you just can’t be caregiver anymore. The doc can make things happen to change the scenario.
Denise, everyone has their limits and the doc has option to put him in a facility. I hope this helps. Bette

@denise96. With the amount of narcotics your husband is taking, he most likely doesn’t need the Claritin we’ve talked about over the past few days. He shouldn’t be feeling the bone pain with that level of meds. So that’s one you can take off the table.

You’re carrying a heavy load of emotions, my dear. Goodness, it’s ok to have morbid thoughts and in no way are you being selfish! Having your husband being in this precarious health has you both on edge.
Quite frankly, having ‘end of life’ discussions is one of the most stressful things families can go through. @dbamos1945 (Bette) touched on some good points about possible things you can do right now to help face the potential reality of the current situation. Talking to your husband frankly and husband’s doctor is an excellent idea.

Your husband is undergoing treatment and it hasn’t had time to fully work yet. He may come out on the other side of this with many more years. However, right now he has risk levels with his COPD, meds and, resistance to wearing the mask that could help him avoid the respiratory distress, a trip to the ER or possibly having your worst fears realized.

I was my mother’s caregiver and often wondered what I’d do if she passed away at home. What do I do first? Well, she ended up in a care facility where she eventually passed away. I was with her at the time. Being in the nursing home helped make her final days so much more easy being with people who could give her the care she needed when I could no longer lift her out of a bed. Your husband may benefit from a care facility right now until he gets stronger.
In the meantime your concerns are certainly valid and creating unimaginable stress. You know me, I’m always here with the articles. Here are a couple for you. First one is:
~What to do if someone passes away at home
https://www.usatoday.com/story/community-hub/funeral-planning/2020/03/24/what-do-if-someone-dies-home/4933853002/
~ Checklist. What to do when a loved one dies
https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2020/when-loved-one-dies-checklist.html
Maybe in some small way these will help you at least form a plan of action ‘just in case’. Let’s hope and pray that you won’t need them any time soon.

Thank you so much for your understanding and the helpful articles. He has already told me what his funeral wishes are. Talking about this makes it seem so unreal, but I know that it is real. Something we will all face at some point in our lives. Thank you again for your kind words.

Thank you for your concern. I don't know if they could give him any more pain medications that they already are. If you want my honest answer, I think he plays up the pain just so he can stay on his narcotic meds. He was rushed by ambulance last sunday night due to being in respiratory distress and was unresponsive. On Wednesday he signed an AMA form signing himself out. I went to get him and the first thing he wanted was his oxycodone. They were only giving him 20 mg a day. He is used to 100mg. But the funny thing was when the drs asked him if he was in any pain, he told them no. He takes xtampa which is a form of morphine 20 mg and the oxycodone is 20 mg 4 times a day. I suggested hospice and he said he would not go anywhere except home. Well, I will honor his wishes until the time comes that I can't handle it anymore by myself.

Is there any reason Hospice can’t come to the home? They could provide morphine to keep him comfortable. Their focus is keeping him pain free. They easily recognize when the time is near and could assist with the process.

That is something i will look into after I talk to the oncology doctor. If I can reach him. I usually have to talk to the nurse. I have no idea if he is close to the end time yet, but it would not hurt to ask. He gets angry that he is in this position and he gets so frustrated. I don't blame him. I feel so sorry that he or anyone has to go through this battle. the difference with Joe, he does not want to do the things they tell him he could to do ease his suffering. He says he wants to live so I am afraid if I bring up hospice care, he would really be upset. I dont see him getting anyworse but I see no improvement, either.
but that is definitely something that I will look into. Perhaps I will ask some questions without him knowing.
this cancer stuff is such a horrible situation to anyone to be in.

If his doctor will discuss it with you, that’s a good idea. Perhaps they could explain Hospice options to him. I’m not familiar with Stage IV lung cancer. Perhaps those who are will chime in here. Best wishes in your journey ahead.

Thank you. This is proving to be quite a journey. One that I would rather not travel. But when it comes to pain, cancer, etc., who does?

It might be a good idea to get a legal consult as well. Just so you know your rights and obligations. It’s difficult to care for someone who is resistant to care.

Denise, does your husband’s oncology team or hospital have an Oncology Social worker? They can be a really good source of support and information.