Mistake to move near adult child?

Hi,
What a sad situation for you! It's hard when things don't turn out the way you would prefer. However, perhaps you should just let your daughter do what she wishes since she is an adult. It's too bad that she couldn't be more considerate of you buying a house and all. Can you sell your new home and move back to where your mother is? Your 82 year old mother might need you more than your adult daughter does. I'm 79 and I have noticed that at this age, your body starts to change and sometimes you need help. It doesn't sound like your brother would be much help to her. That's too bad that he seems to be taking advantage of her.

I would suggest that you give up all your problems to God. He'll direct you in the right direction. I'll say a prayer for you also.

I wish you the best.
PML

I hope you don't find my comments to be callous, unsympathetic, unhelpful, rude...I don't know you, and I can only try to make magic out of my own life's experience and what you have shared by mixing them up in a pillow case and hoping something useful falls out when I dump the case.

It seems you and your daughter are both 'changing horses in mid-stream'. It's very rarely a good idea, and virtually never a great one. You both are in upheaval, or at least she clearly is and is seeking some kind of respite, refuge, safe space....whatever you want to use as a descriptor for comfort and security. And it seems it is not going to be where you are about to close on a property....if I understand correctly.

Your daughter is mission-oriented to find a man. She needs a man, has gotten used to one for whatever reason (beyond me, and I'm a grandpa of four boys and a girl), but what do I know? My dad went looking for a wife when my mum died of cancer. They had been snowbirds traveling to FL each winter from Canada, and his new squeeze, with whom he has shared a life since 2003, was just down the street. My mum and he knew them well, and he fancied her. He emailed when he learned the was widowed about the same week that my mum passed, asked if she wanted to come out to British Columbia, and the rest is history. So, it's not like that chapter has never appeared in the Book of Life.

You have every right to be disappointed, even to say so to her. Should you? I'm gonna say no. She's young still and needs to claw back some security and love. You'll just make her feel bad doing it. I think you understand that, from your expressions above. Meanwhile, houses are only increasing in value, so if you decide in six months that it's not for you, and she says she misses you.....

My daughter also moved to the other coast 3000 miles from me after selling her home that was next to us. She was our neighbor for 30 years and we had a close relationship. When I asked her why she wanted to move she answered that she wanted a change of scenery. Well she has been gone for 8 mos. and her life has not changed much. I advised her that moving never changes the problems that you have that you just bring them with you. I was hurt and angry that she left and felt the need to be so far away and that she could have a change of scenery just moving a couple of driving hours away but she had made up her mind and nothing would change it. I am 77 yrs. old and have some health issues. We are still emotionally close and talk on the phone almost every week. I don't know I think that today's children don't really feel any particular need to help out their aging parents. Not sure why but it is what it is. If I were you I would try to make a life for yourself in your new home. Regarding your mother and brother, I think that trying to make changes to a bad situation (in your eyes anyway) us next to impossible. Unless he is inflicting bodily harm to your mom, I think that you have to allow her to come to her own mind about this. It is almost impossible to change the behavior in a situation unless that person wants to change. Why dont you give it 6 mos. to a year where you are before making any moving changes? I don't count on my daughter and I think that you should do the same. Get involved with people that share a common love whether it is volunteering or a hobby. I think that if we are going to give our children advice about things then we have to show them that we can make necessary changes in our own lives. Be the example if living your best life where you are, let your mom and brother figure it out on their own and allow your daughter to do what she thinks is best for her. Good luck and don't blame yourself if you need time to mourn the loss of a good mother daughter relationship. It's hard but necessary.

@pml

Thank you, that is so kind of you to say that you will pray for me. I also take my petitions to God and leave it in his hands. I didn't mention that she was going to move with me, but then changed her mind. She just couldn't leave my brother she said. We will never know what tomorrow brings, we can just live for today. Thanks for your help! It may be that I do move back at some point. Who knows. Best of luck to you!

@gloaming

Thank you for your frankness. I think you are right to say that she is on a mission. I have had many talks about taking the time to grieve her marriage before searching for another companion, however, the need to be wanted is too strong or her. Therapy would be helpful here, though she hasn't made the appointment. Her dad all of the men in her life have not been of any solid support or good role models for her. She's a good person, smart and driven when she wants to be, but very misguided and a bit naive. I didn't mention how deeply disappointed I feel, only to say that I wonder if she's making a good decision for herself. As you say she is seeking comfort/security, something she has never had. In my opinion she needs to find that within herself. Your story about your Dad is so telling of people who must be connected to others for survival. We all yearn to be connected to others, however your Dad jumped at that chance for whatever reason. Maybe he felt his time was running out.
Thanks for your insight, hope you're having fun with those grandbabies!

@scain

Such sound advice. I feel for you too. I long for the days when family was close by, united and could support each other. We have gotten so far away from that. Forcing people or being bitter or angry for their decisions rarely makes things better for either party. I am pretty resourceful and quickly plug myself into activities or meeting people. I will be alright. I will just miss her and thought I could support her during her divorce. But I guess she needs something different. I will still be there for her in any capacity she will have me. Best of luck to you!

@plowey You have described situations that are very common...meaning son living with Mother and not the best situation....and the moving to be near a child and then the child moving.
When my brother lived with my Mother I was concerned and then another older person than I who had the same family situation (son living with Mother) asked me "Is his help sufficient." That helped me because it was sufficient compared to her having to be in a nursing home etc. Mother had emphysema and could hardly get out of bed. As long as a child who is living with a parent is not being abuse to their parent (physically, mentally and financially) and their help is sufficient....and as well keeps the parent from being alone in their home.....that is better than many other possible situations.
You did what you thought would be best for yourself with moving close to your daughter. Sometimes things we think are best for our children or ourselves backfire...it happens. Are you living in an area that has more positive aspects than where you were living. That is one of the questions you will probably have to answer. If you have lightened any aspect to your life's load with the move, that is positive. Personally I would make a two column list with the positives and negatives of the move or whatever you are thinking for yourself. But...we always have to give time to whatever we do. Getting over things and understanding all takes time, as we know.
Barbara

Totally agree. Yes, my daughter and I speak each week and more often than not, she makes the call not me. I want her to succeed in life both personally and professionally so I am more often than not in her corner. I think that she needed to move across the country (landing with her brother in CA to figure it all out. I was just glad that she had a safe place, her remote job, and her young niece and nephew there when she landed. She loves to travel and has always done at least one big trip each year with her girlfriend to ride horses and discover a new place. I support her by encouragement all the time. She is a responsible adult who just has not found a certain person to actually share her life with. I also will always love her and let her know that. If your daughter is making okay decisions for herself, all we can do is let them know we will always be supportive. Hope that all goes well for you.

@scain
My daughter supports herself, but seems to think she "needs" a man to be okay. I'm a psychology undergrad student, so I do some coaching, but only if she asks for my advice. She is an adult, so I won't stop her, but I do worry that she might get entangled with the wrong person. Your daughter seems to have her support system set up with friends and a brother. All so great! My daughter has that support here! so it's a bit unnerving to see this playout. Who knows, maybe it won't even happen. Moving is expensive and time consuming. I can just love her wherever she is. Close or far away.

Hello,my name is Peggy.
I moved 3000 miles to help raise my grand.
I never had a grandma, they both died before I was born so I was very ready to be a grandma.
My partner died three years before I moved.
I was greeted nicely but was later told I had not been invited to come.
This drove me into therapy.
I've been in therapy for over 15 years and it has helped my greatly with my family dynamics and the struggles of aging.
For me aging has brought up many challenges .
Therapy takes a lot of perseverance and work but it's been a great asset for me.
Medicare contributes to therapy payment.
This is my contribution to your situation and I hope it is helpful.
May you find comfort in your life.
Peggy